Monday, December 12, 2005
Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Mind of the Sixth-Grader . . .
Why does everyone talk about the "terrible two's?" Have these people not come across a terrible sixth grader? In a battle of who can be more piss poor and brutal, I will tell you the sixth grader is far more brutal nine times out of ten. How is a two-year-old brutal? Maybe you tell him no, and he throws a fit. Maybe he cries incessantly from an earache. Maybe he dumps kool-aid on your new couch for the sole purpose of being a prick. You can learn the motives and methods of a two-year-old in a manner of days. Every day I discover a new way in which the sixth grader can consistently annoy me. Also, a room full of two-year-olds only heightens annoyingness with sheer volume. The sixth-graders, however, can feed off one another to the point where they merge to form Sixth Grade Devastator!! And oh do they ever fart around. I think today alone I had to say, "Stop touching each other" about a dozen times. The sixth grader so desperately wants to be simultaneously cool, grown-up, an individual, and like everyone else. Spreading themselves so thin in this way, they end up failing at all of these elements. They think they are funny, but nine times out of ten they do not succeed at being funny, unless of course you are yourself a dimwitted sixth grader. Have you ever seen sixth grade girls try to backstab and destroy one another's reputations? They operate in a cold, calculated manner much like a Shakespearean villain, only Shakespeare didn't portray his villains with Justin Timberlake on their binders. This sounds like I'm an embittered, jaded bastard, right? Despite all these elements, I still have a soft spot for a bunch of these kids. There is some sort of biological component that endears you to children, otherwise few would make it through age two, and whoever was left would not make it past age 13.