Thursday, September 21, 2006

'Nudey Bucks': They're As Good As Money.

I have to tell you all about one the craziest pairs of dates, hell, one of the craziest pairs of nights I’ve ever experienced. I met this girl out for “a drink.” I’m not sure why we say “a drink,” because for me that usually turns into ten, and it seems like the girls I meet have no problem with that. She had a final exam she hadn’t studied for the following day, so she couldn’t stay out long. It seems she was a 26-year-old undergraduate student taking only one class over the summer, which her father was paying for, and she wasn’t working, so her schedule was WIDE open for dates.

I noticed that another table had a “table tapper,” which is a meter high cylinder of the equivalent of seven beers in it with a tapper attached. This contraption rests on your table and points toward the heavens. I expressed an interest in it, and SHE basically talked me into getting one. Final exam, schminal exam. We finished one of those bad boys full of Blue Moon, and that was on top of the few we had before that. During our consumption of a meter’s worth of libations, I heard ALL about this gal’s life, and while I will say it was interesting, a lot of the information is not stuff you would want to share on a first date. I think being a therapist of sorts makes me a natural candidate for people to share their life story. The thing is, I’m a good listener, and I enjoy learning new things about new people. Because I like this sort of thing, and because I like to drink, I hang around on a date way longer than I should. She told me about a crazy ex that she had. I know, everyone has had a crazy ex, but this guy was straight up bonkers! Top 3 craziest things he did:

3) As a form of stress relief, he liked to laminate things. She would come home to find he had laminated a bunch of papers and put them on little rings.

2) He tried to please her by “leap frogging” two cars to her work so she could have one and he could drive one home. He’d drive one car a ways, park it, run back to the other car, and drive to where he had left the other car. What a great concept! It’s like Indian Running . . .

3) He called her to tell her to meet him in the parking lot of her work, and when she did she found him trying to hang himself in his Mini Cooper with a necktie slung around the coat hook.

On our second date, I know what you’re thinking, but she was hot, she was telling me how she loved the female body. She was not a lesbian or anything, but she enjoyed looking at nudey magazines and going to nudey bars. I stayed with this topic since, as Roger Dodger would say, it was fertile ground. Eventually we decided it would be a good idea for us to go back to her apartment to get her “nudey coupons,” which are as good as money in a particular nudey bar, and then go off to that very nudey bar. I thought this was just a means to get back to the apartment without saying the words, you know, like do you want to see my tarot cards, but sure enough, she had me wait downstairs while she fetched the coupons.

So, we’re at the nudey bar spending “nudey coupons” or “titty bucks,” which ever your prefer, and as it turns out it’s amateur night. This is a huge plus for us, since we could have a ball critiquing the physicality and technique of these young ladies. Our votes didn’t count, but I have to say that we were shrewd and informed judges. When the professionals started doing their thing, we weren’t too impressed with any of them either, that is until Bambi took the stage. Bambi was a petite, African American woman who could do ALL the tricks with the pole. She really could have been a gymnast given the athleticism it took to pull off some of those maneuvers. Well, we each got a lap dance from Bambi, and not long after, our nudey bucks ran out, and immediately after that we left. Then some stuff happened, then all my roommates woke up, then we tried dating for a while, then she went to Hawaii and sent me dirty text message pics, then she got back, then it didn't work out.

We never recaptured the carefree fun of spending ‘titty bucks’ at a nudey bar. That really is setting the bar awful high.

17 comments:

classyandfancy said...

Now, how does one get a hold of this mammary money you speak of? A win during amateur night? A frequent gawker card of some sort? Dating the mafioso owner?

I've been told that the ladies at a nudey bar leave MUCH to be desired. Nice bodies, but busted overall and NO dance skills! Then again, dancing prowess is probably the last thing people are thinking about.

Cherry Ride said...

Please, please, please can we organize a trip to a nudie bar?? Seriously, I love nudie bars. We'll stop for burritos on the way home.

Plus, I also want to get my hands on some tittie bucks, mostly so I can say: "Hey c'mere - I have some tittie bucks!"

kb said...

i love ever part of this. the mini cooper attempted hanging, the amateur boobs, the yard of beer... everything. thank you, thank you, thank you.

Steph said...

Back up there Cowboy. I wanna know about the "other stuff" that happened. Talk about holding out!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: I think when girls go to strip clubs owners give them out readily to keep girls coming in. There's only one way to find out if the talent is like you've "been told." Please pass some "titty bucks" along to me, like a finder's fee . . .

Cherry: I'm game! I think dirtier, crappier ones are the funniest, like in East St. Louis where they have pregnant girls dancing. Wait, that's depressing.

KB: Glad you enjoyed it. Welcome aboard! Mini Cooper, Necktie Suicide Attempt is a great band name.

Steph: I don't want to get into the "other stuff." If memory serves, she was loudly dictating a running dialogue of the occurences, so my roommates would be able to fill you in.

trinity67 said...

Zoiks.

trinity67 said...

Dr. Noisewater sometimes I want to say Dr. Nosewater. Is that wrong?

How about Dr. NoseSwatter?

HoseSnooker?

SchnozHoofer?

SchlongBanger?

Mammary money...that's a good one.

laura said...

In my experience, wild nights in the beginning stages of dating usually lead to your mouth writing checks that your ass can't cash, to use a classy cliche.

It's hard to duplicate those nights -- and even if you do, it's usually a lot less sexy the second time around.

However, at least you got some naked titty texts and "other stuff" out of it and that ain't too bad.

ocg said...

I have never heard of boobie bucks (or anything of the sort) but imagine them a providing a good time for all.

I am am really surprised the relationship didnt work out... I mean it seemed to have such a solid foundation.

trinity67 said...

Boobie bucks! Oh my!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Trinity: I will respond to any one of those names, except maybe SchlongBanger.

Laura: I can't bring myself to delete that text either . . .

OC: I know! That foundation seemed rock solid.

Rich said...

I have found that the best time to be at a 'Titty Bar' is with a bunch of Lesbionics! Them ladies know how to woo and play with a noooice pair or 'fun bags'! Also much healthier environment than watching with a bunch of oggling, hetro feral men drooling out of the corners of their mouths and rubbing their crotches!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Rich: If you go to The Nudey Bar with lesbos you have to call me. Seriously. We will turn that motha' out.

Matt said...

If there's a chance to spend tittie bucks, I'll be on the next plane over. You get all the best things over there!

Cherry Ride said...

Its been like a week. Where the hell are you?

laura said...

I second Cherry Ride. If you want to be my favorite blogger, I need to see more posts ...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

New post coming in 10 minutes. Sorry for the delay.