Sunday, October 15, 2006

"I'm EXPRESSING with my full capabilities"

I recently noticed that I use a lot of expressions that I've gathered up over the years. I've been told I talk like an old man sometimes, which to me is a compliment. I like to think I'm an old soul.

So, without further delay, here are my top ten favorite expressions:

1. The next time someone is eating the shit out of something in mass quantities say "You're eating like you have 16 assholes!" - The implication is that to poo out that much food one would need numerous out holes.

2. "That chick is crazier than a shit-house rat!" - A guy in Stand By Me says that about the Corey Feldman character's dad. If any of you watched The Surreal Life you
will know that Corey himself is bat shit crazy. <---- That's another good one.

3. When you see someone shivering like crazy in the cold say, "you are shaking like a dog shitting peach pits." This one I got from my mom, of all people. Picturing a German Shepherd working out a peach pit cracks my shit up.

4. "I swear that guy is dumber than a bag of hammers." Love that one. It's just so wonderfully random.

5. If you find yourself at a house party and someone hands you a warm, crappy beer, tell them, "this beer tastes like a tub of warm piss that somebody farted in!"

6. When someone is being indecisive or when someone is screwing around say, "Would you quit fuck-assin' around!" I got that from a fiend of mine from Indiana, and with his accent it's really damn funny.

7. If you are lucky enough to see a young lady with big hooters in your new future, say "The last time I saw jugs like that a couple of hill-billies were blowin' in 'um."

8. "It's colder than a well digger's ass in here!" I've also heard hotter than a well digger's ass, so the temperature is undetermined, but we know it's extreme in which ever direction it may be.

9. "I'm outy like a fat girl in dodge ball." That one is kind of mean, but you gotta believe 9 out of 10 chubby, female students are likely to be sitting on the side within a few seconds of that first whistle.

10. The next time you let out a particularly loud and retched burp, say "Pardon me. I meant to puke."

I feel I should include one of my least favorite expressions: "I want to fuck the shit out of her!" That is a really sleazy phrase and really disgusting when you think about it literally. For some reason I just always picture going to town on some girl and doody squirting out of everywhere, even her ears.

Alright, seven readers, let's hear some of your favorite/least favorite expressions!

18 comments:

Cherry Ride said...

Bravo - all of those are awesome (and double points because I had never heard of any of them). I know it is wrong, but #9 made me spew coffee from my nose.

I don't really have any good ones (esp. compared to yours) but a friend from southern Ohio used to say "Hotter than a whore house on dollar day" which I thought was pretty awesome, esp. when said with a southern drawl.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shit, Cherry! That reminded me of one of my favorites that I left out, which is very similar to your's. "I'm sweatin' like a whore on Nickel Night." You know, like she only gets 5 cents a trick, so she has to do lots of dudes . . .

BTW, how do you always comment so fast!? Do you have something on your computer that chimes when somoene posts? For your rapid fire comment I am declaring you my BFF.

Anonymous said...

I feel you should give credit to the original source of at lease a few of these.... (such as #1, 5 and 10).

Anonymous said...

You forgot "I ate so much I'm going to have to shit in the bathtub." That's my favorite.

Lizzie said...

I've always been partial to "busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kickin contest" and "dumber than a fistful of hair."

Why do all of these kind of things sound better with a southern accent?

p.s. My life would have been complete without the mental image of shit being fucked out of a chick's ears. Thanks.

hamburger helper said...

oh matt....you forgot "he's not the brightest crayon in the box..." and "i'm going to take the browns to the super-bowl..." or "she's dumb as a box of rocks..." and "i'm happier than a pig in shit..." my personal favorite is "i'm off like a prom dress..." i wish i had more for you, but i guess i've been teaching middle school for too long. but what do you expect from a band geek?

Steph said...

A slut- someone who has seen more helmets than Hitler.
A Dumbarse-Being as smart and useful as single celled Protazoa.
Another ho-Her arse gets more hits than Google.
Someone stupid-More owned than waterfront property.

And my personal fave, describing someone rather awful; He's like a subhuman urinal cake. Created for the express purpose of pissing on from great heights.

darci ann said...

trolling off classy and fancy and all I can say is WOW - good fucking hysterical morning. thank you. i think i need to read the gancer more regularly. My personal favorite on your list, which I will attempt to borrow at the right time/place: #1 -16 assholes is wayyyy more interesting than a hollow leg.

classyandfancy said...

Here are some more to add to your expressions reference pamphlet, although some are expressions while others are just catch phrases/questions:

1) When some guy is dancing like crazy, or doing an interesting dance, say for instance the Little Superstar routine say, "He's gettin' down with the clown!"

2) When someone asks you a question that there really is NO reason for you to know the answer to say, "What do I look like Encyclopedia Brittanica?" You can also replace Brittanica with Brown.

3)This is one my Dad uses sometimes when he is told some information that he doesn't know (which is usually by my mom), "Well, just cut off my legs and call me shorty!"

4) When someone mentions that a person is Jewish it's always appropriate to say, "Funny (s)he doesn't look Druish?" (Thank you Mel Brooks)

5)When minor or major misfortune comes your way it is always useful to say, "WHY, God WHY?" in your best Nancy Kerrigan crow bar pain induced way. (Thank you Tonya Harding)

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Anon: Yeah, there is one guy who I have to credit with a number of those phrases. I aspire to be as abnoxious as him one day . . .

Liz: Thanks for coming by again! Glad you liked the imagery, and yes, a southern accent enhances many of these phrases.

Hamburger Helper: "Off like a prom dress" is damn funny. If I had gone to my prom I may have gotten some lucky gal's sequins dress off. :(

Steph: "Seen more helmuts than Hitler!" That is making its way into the rotation. How about a great Dennis Miller line for someone who has been in and out of rehab a bunch of times: "She's been in and out of Betty Ford more times than Gerald Ford."

Classy: Thinking of the whole Nancy and Tanya incident just brought a smile to my face. I miss Sean Eckhart and Jeff Galuli. Wait, could a couple have a Halloween costume as Jeff Goule-eel-ee and, someone help me out with a Halloween themed Tanya Harding name . . .

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Darci: Glad you enjoyed your visit. I think all guests should wear a helmut when dropping by to Gance with me.

classyandfancy said...

Isn't Tonya scary enough on her own with that poodle perm? And, get this, there is a fantasy section of her website, now that's frightening.

http://www.tonyaharding.com/

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: Tonya is a scary looking white trash vixen, and not in a good way.

Ken said...

Those were all funny which reminded me of a a few more things we used to say when I was in Ohio:

1) Sweating like a whore in church
2) Quicker than two jiggles of a jack rabbit's ass

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Ken: Jack rabbits ass! I love it!

Tim said...

These are terrible... Most of them sound like they belong on those horrible comedy central redneck shows that aren't funny at all.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

WOW. Just found Tim's comment years later. I'm on my way to Tim's page to tell him how unfunny he is . . .

Tim said...

Ugh... How long ago was that? I was probably 14 or something.