Monday, February 05, 2007

Football Enduced Depressions and the Drunk Dials That Accompany Them

The Bears losing the Super Bowl yesterday made me horribly depressed. I got a little cell phone happy too, as these statistics would indicate:

I called 3 ex-girlfriends and one ex-wife.

I then called my sister's husband and told him what a shit I think he is. His latest and greatest move was to bring his kids to his homewrecking girlfriend's house only a month or two into being separated, because that won't fuck with the kids' heads, right? I'm fuzzy on what exactly I said on his voicemail, but I remember saying, "I think you're a shit."

Now, if the Chicago Bears could have got as many first downs as I made dumb phone calls, we would be having a victory parade on Michigan Avenue tomorrow.

The guilt I had about this series of ill-advised calls inspired me to come up with the following brilliant idea: A cell phone that operates like those court ordered cars, so it won't work unless you blow an alcohol free breath into it.

What do you, my seven readers, think about this notion?

21 comments:

classyandfancy said...

No drunk texting should be allowed either, even though those can be damn funny. Maybe they can design a phone that pricks your finger while dialing like those diabetes monitors.

I did not drunk dial, but I didn't really drink because I was too nervous about the game and too upset at the end to even muster the energy to dial.

K.I.D. said...

That's so awesome.

I don't drunk dial, but I do have the distinction of drunk emailing and drunk blog-commenting.

Jay said...

There is a cell phone that will do that, I believe it is an update of the LG KG800, it has a built-in breathalyser to stop you from drunk dialling pre-defined numbers.

Sorry to hear about the Bears, though.

Julie_Gong said...

I think that is a great idea. Although I like laughing at myself in the morning after hearing/seeing what I did.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Brilliant idea!
But what else did you say to the three ex girlfriends and ex-wife? I bet there's gold in those conversations...

mysterygirl! said...

I didn't drink during the game because 1) beer was $10 a bottle, and 2) I didn't want to move my arms under my poncho and get them wet. My post-game text was simply, "I hate Peyton Manning," and it's still true today, just like the message you had for your sister's husband is still true.

Yeah, I want to know what you said to the ladies, too... fess up, Dr. K...

Mr Shife said...

I have always supported that idea. Drunk dialing is always trouble. And I was bummed about the Bears too.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

It will never work. Too easy to defeat the system. I'd just get the dog to pant into the receiver.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: Yeah! Better yet, it sends a jolt of electricity into my every time I try to use it after 1 am.

k.i.d.: Who gets the honor of the drunk blog comments? I want one!!

Jay: I'm going to have to look into that model. Does it have sonar?

Julie: I really don't mind being on the receiving end of a drunk dial. I just need to stop sending them.

Cherry: That's classified.

Mystery: I hope you had a good time despite the rain and outcome. Okay fine, I'll give you and Cherry one sound-bite from a drunk conversation with one of my exes, who doesn't live in Texas: "I bet Steroid Boy doesn't kiss you like I do." Wow. Who in the hell do I think I am?

Mighty: You'd have to take your dogg to the bar with you, and you know someone would slip the dogg a sip when you're not looking.

Scooter said...

I have family both in Chicago and Indiana. I win!

Yeah, drunk dialing can be destructive, but a breathalyzer cell phone would be spectacular.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

Ugh! I totally agree with this concept and was just discussing this with a work colleague. Although I really need something that would stop me from drunk e-mailing of MySpace commenting. I've gotten better at least but your football team losing is a totally acceptable reason for drunk dialing

Katie in the UK said...

According to endgadget Virgin Mobile in Australia is all over this concept. You can block yourself from dialing a number until 6 am.

http://www.engadget.com/2004/11/30/virgin-mobile-wants-to-help-stop-you-from-drunk-dialing/

Leave it to the Aussies!

5 of 9er said...

I agree... brilliant idea! Why do we all want to call people when were drunk? I seem to do it a lot... but never call X-s... never.

Sizzler Sister said...

I swear that as soon as I get an X I promise to drunk dial them.

Lori Mocha said...

I have a HUGE problem with drunk emailing.

And then there's a record of my stupidity to pass around the internet!

Ms Smack said...

hilarious. We've all done it. How did the exes react? LOL

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Scoot: I love watching those games where I'm happy either way. Sadly, this wasn't one of those games.

Carrie: Glad you can relate, and I'm glad you think these were extenuating circumstances.

Katie: Those Aussies are way ahead of us, huh? Either that or they're just a bunch of drunks.

Niner: Now that you're married, calling exes would be totally wrong, but somehow not wronger than my decadent evening. I said wronger . . .

Sizzler: I'm going to hold you that!!

Loren Michaels: I too had a knack for drunk emailing in my day. I always spelled everything right too, and I loved when I didn't remember writing them, but they were funny.

Smack: They were cool, since some of them are friends. One, I won't say which one, has called me five times, and just called right now, as a matter of fact, and I've ignored the calls. I'm growing up!

P.S.: I just changed the ringer on my phone to Call Me by Blondie. It's the perfect ring tone, but knowing me, someone's already thought of it.

laura said...

The best part of drunk dialing is when the guy who received your salacious voice mail, calls you back and plays the ENTIRE voice mail back onto YOUR voice mail and caps it off with "wow. that was good".

I haven't called him back since then.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Laura: Yeah, it's never pretty to hear those. I sound a bit like Jim from Taxi in my weaker moments.

Mood Indigo said...

a breathalyzer phone totally exists - but I think it's only available in Korea for some reason. Apparently those Koreans like to drink...

sorry about the Bears loss :(

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mood: I didn't know Koreans had such a drunk dialing problem. Maybe I should randomly dial some Korean girl's when I'm drunk, and then she'll be all pissed like, "I stopped myself from calling when I'm drunk, but now this random, drunk American keeps calling me!?!?!?"