Saturday, February 24, 2007

The Urban Sombrero

Caution: I'm really sorry if anyone is offended by this post, because I'll admit, it's a little racy. Mom, if you're reading this one, proceed with caution, and please forgive me.

Between being a dork in high school and college, and being in a long-term relationship, for many, many years, I was not too entrenched in the dating game for a long, long period of time. About three years ago up until the present time, I have found myself meeting a lot more women. I've settled down to where I'm only getting together with people I really like, but I had a bit of a selfish phase, which in my mind was well-deserved given the circumstances, where I was taking gals home of all shapes, sizes, and with varying degrees of sanity, intelligence, and overall respectability.

One of the most noteworthy things I noticed in my observations is that three commonalities kept popping up with these gals:

1. The belly button piercing.

2. The tattoo on the lower back, a.k.a. the "tramp stamp."*

3. The shaved, (ahem!). Excuse me.

When you're newly single, any one of these elements is really exiting, and all three is super-duper, but after a while it gets to be a little monotonous and contrived, like, "Okay, shirt off, there's the piercing. Spin her around to take the bra off, cause I'm drunk and it's easier that way, and sure enough, a tramp stamp." Then I'd see number three, and I'd lose my train of thought. I guess just about any time you're in the room with one of those, you really can't complain.

ANYWAY, I got talking to a friend of mine about the big three, and we decided we needed a funny term for that special lady who possesses all three distinctions, and I have my good friend and former roommate to thank for coming up with "The Urban Sombrero." It is actually a term used on Seinfeld for a type of hat, but we've really made the term all our own. You're free to use it . . .

So, next time you're at the bar, if a young lady bends over ever-so-slightly, and out pops a tramp stamp, think to yourself: 'I wonder if she just has that one element, does she have the respectable, or not so respectable, two out of three, or has she achieved the coveted status of "The Urban Sombrero?"'

* The Doctor does not believe any of his readers are tramps if they have a tramp stamp, since it's merely a term, and not a true sign of a tramp or any trampiness at all.

14 comments:

Grad School Reject said...

I accept this a new term and will do my part to spread it around. As a newly married man though...I will have no opportunity to do research.

That said, what happens if you meet a woman with an "*ahem*" that is pierced, shaved, and has a tattoo in close proximity? Or is that merely the stuff of urban legend?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Don't forget about the Rural Stetson - pierced nose, tattooed chest, and a thick hairy bush.

Kadonkadonk said...

What if you have a tattoo on your ass, a bald *ahem*, and no piercings other than the ears? I want some type of tramp name damnit!

Steph said...

SNAP! I guess i qualify on all three counts.

Nice to see you're not the judgemental type.

P.S when did you last get laid again?

Ms Smack said...

0/3 here, although I can kinda qualify for Mighty Dyckerson's three.

I have a mildly hairy bush,but definitely not a pierced nose, tattooed chest.

I think I might go for a wander over to Dycks' side of the fence...

classyandfancy said...

Saucy. I prefer to use the term pull out target.

K.I.D. said...

I once lifeguarded with a hot guy who revealed his bellybutton ring to me one night.

His hotness disappeared immediately after that.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

GSR: That would really be something, but maybe a little to, I don't know, busy?

Dyk: Rural Stetson! I like it . . .

Kadonkadonk: I think we will have to call that a kadonkadonk. Thanks for coming by!

Steph: We have a sombrero!! Awesome. Last time I got laid? It's been almost a month, I think. Ouch.

Smack: Let me know when you pull off the Rural Stetson.

Classy: It took me a minute to get that one. Hilarious!

k.i.d.: Guys with pierced navels? That is not too manly, is it?

Jay said...

Tramps here are another term for vagrants, it's amusing to think of them with lower-back tattoos.

mysterygirl! said...

Oh my lord. This is too funny. But I am too much of a lady to comment in any detail on a personal level.

Anonymous said...

Okay, yucky From your sister

Ms Smack said...

LOL @ sister's comment.

You are so busted.

Mood Indigo said...

I think mighty dyckerson deserves some kudos on coining the term "rural stetson" - that made me laugh out loud.

But now - as the opportunity so rarely presents itself - I must ask - what do guys REALLY prefer (tattoos and peircings aside) - bald or well-kept and trimmed?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: I did gross my sister out with that one. I forgot she's been reading. Sorry, sis.

Mood: Dyk is a clever bugger, I must admit. I don't want any part of a Rural Stetson girl, unless I have a weed-wacker handy. Speaking of which, to answer your question, I guess I prefer a bald, ahem, that is to say unless it's unsightly, you know, roast beef curtains and the like. Okay, sis, I REALLY hope you didn't read THIS comment.