Monday, April 23, 2007

Consider Me Focused

I got an email from my roommate, my new favorite roommate, that said he was participating in a focus group that would be giving us beer AND paying us $100. FINALLY, I was going to MAKE money drinking beer, instead of coming home at 3:30 in the morning to find that I had magically turned all my crisp twenties into crumpled-up ones.

For reasons I can't POSSIBLY understand, the focus group facilitators were scrounging last minute for participants, so the lady who emailed Roomy and I told us to say we were Coor's light drinkers, and not to tip off anyone that we knew one another. When we got upstairs, staggered by a minute and a half as to disguise our friendship, we found many people, both men and women, and there were, in fact, pitchers of beer flowing liberally. Then one of the facilitators said something that I really wish she wouldn't have: "Okay, ladies, thanks for your time. Be sure to get your money on the way out." Yup, we have a sausage fest/sword fight on our hands.

The remaining men sipped beers and answered a woman's questions while one guy filmed us, and another gal typed something on a lap top. Eventually, we learned that the people talking to us were from Miller Lite, and they were trying to figure out what makes people choose a given light beer. The consensus of our group was that we don't care which one we drink - whichever one is on special is a-okay. They ran a bunch of slogans concepts by us they were kicking around, and the only one I remember right now was, "That's SO miller." We all decided that was the gayest* thing we'd ever heard, but that didn't stop roomy and I from saying it all week long. Come to think of it, I'm going to say it to him next time I see him.

There was one participant who must have been right out of college, because he was that guy who thinks drinking is SO COOL. Every time he would talk about drinking beer it was like he was a missionary trying to tell us "the truth." A testimony to his belief in the all mighty beer was that when asked what his favorite slogan of the night was, and I stand corrected, since I do remember one more slogan, it was, "You need a case for that." This ad had guy in a shirt and tie huddled up in the fetal position. I, of all flipping people, had to chime in and say that they couldn't encourage alcoholism like that, and suggest that you're just twenty-four beers away from all your problems fading away. That's ridiculous! After all, it should only take thirteen or fourteen. : )

After collecting our $100, in the form of two crisp fifties, which I've since, once again, turned into crumpled-up ones, roomy and I mingled with a couple of the other participants, and we learned a few things:

1. Some people, Roomy included, are doing too many of these things when he is being recognized from previous focus groups.
2. We all agreed which people, "you need case for that"-guy included, were complete tools.
3. Two of the guys knew each other too, like roomy and myself, but they were smart enough to sit all the way across the table from one another. They told us that we did a shitty job at looking like we didn't know one another. In retrospect, we did sit next to each other, cracked jokes back-and-forth the whole time, and we tried to riff off some of the advertising concepts with our own ideas. We had a really awesome idea, which they have on film, and they really should use. I'd be kind of pissed if they did, but, hey, they'd probably be pissed if they found out I blogged about all this stuff. Who knows, maybe someone from Budweiser will read this rag, rip off an idea, and the next thing you know you're watching a "That's so bud" ad.
4. The gal interviewing us tipped us off that the women she had interviewed just before us said that if they saw a guy drinking a Coors Light, they would assume him to be "white trash."

Okay, seven readers, what does a drink say about a person, especially if you're trying to decide if you're interested in them or not.

* I know it's not politically correct to use that word in this sense, and I typically don't use the term that way, but come on! It is a gayer than shit slogan, is it not?


RevRee said...

If I see a guy drinking a Pabst Blue Robbin in a can, I automatically think "white trash"

If I see a guy drinking Sunshine Beer, I think "Hippy" (420)

If I see a guy drinking Red Strip he's very "manly & cultured"

If I see a guy drinking a sex on the beach, topped off with a twist of lime, he's "gay(ish)"

If I see a guy drinking whiskey, I'd think, "hard core drinker"

K.I.D. said...

I really, really hate it when a guy drinks rum and coke. It turns off any attraction to him, I might have had.

Your roomy is a keeper.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'd really like to say that it doesn't matter. If you like the drink, who cares. But, if I saw a guy drinking some drink with an umbrella in it, I would probably think he was lame.

phishez_rule said...

Hmm. I'm not personally worried about what the guy is drinking. I'm more concerned about the drink he's going to buy ME!

Having said that, I hate kissing guys who have been drinking beer. They taste oh so very wrong.

Fever Dog said...

We have different beers here, so there's different associations to be made. Carlsburg Special Brew is of course only drunk by tramps. Stella does a great job of making it a cool brand promoting film, but the beer is still referred to as "wife beater" for a reason. Budweiser just suggests someone doesn't know any better.

And yes, "that's so miller" is one of the worst slogans I've ever heard.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Rev: PBR is like a headache in a can. It's great.

Never heard of Sunshine Beer. I must not be a hippy . . .

Red Stripe: Manly and cultured. So, that might be your best bet for prospects.

Sex on the Beach: Yeah. Not good.

Whiskey: Yeah, I tend to agree. That's a guy that hates himself.

K.I.D.: I love Captain and cokes. Can we still be friends, or no way?

Anon: Umbrella drinks kick ass! That's as manly as it gets. I saw some construction workers drinking some umbrella drinks with their pinkies up, and I was more than a little jealous.

Phishez: Beer kisses = No good. That's good to know . . .

Fever: Thanks for coming by, and for offering a new perspective. "That's so miller!"

Fever Dog said...

You do know I'm not a 'new' visitor right? I just changed my display name and avatar... It might all be so miller

crankybee said...

Here in Australia, if you're from Tamworth, the Country Music Capital, like me, you drink Rum. Bundaberg Rum. No matter how trashy and cheap it makes you look, that's what you were raised on and it's what you love. Everytime I drink a rum, the world is a better place. I feel an instant calm and peace flow through me. I am one classy laydee.

I once went to a focus group for CHIPS. You know, like potato chips. They asked questions like "Do these chips look crisp enough? Are the BLISTERED enough? Are there suffient CLUMPS?

Weird shit, man. And I only got $25!

Kadonkadonk said...

Hey now, PBR is excellent beer! And PBR me ASAP is one of the best slogans ever.

I'm an equal opportunity drinker. I like amber beer, I love rum and I drink whiskey. (I also worked at the National Council on Alcholism and Drug Dependence and don't consider myself a hard core drinker.)

I don't care what people drink as long as they aren't being a drunk asshole.

K.I.D. said...

No effing way.

That said, mark your calendar for a flip-cup tourney at my house on May 25th. The Friday of Memorial Day weekend.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

In the NW a microbrew is always the way to go. If you order a PBR or Miller High Life you look like you are either a cheap bastard or a hipster trying to hard. I actually dig a guy who drinks whiskey or burbon straight up-way hot. Have to agree with the beer-kissing comment--reminds me too much of college and making out in fraternities (not necessarily a bad thing). On the flip side I feel like I get judged b/c I'm allergic to beer (which makes me really, really sad) so I drink vodka martinis and always get the "you're so high maintanence" look from guys. What's up with that?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

FD: I realized that after I clicked on your pic. He's got a new attitude! Was that a Pointer Sister's song? Anyone?

Kadonk: Drunk assholes are no good, regardless which libation they prefer. A valid point.

K.I.D.: Shit! I think I'm going to Dinosaur Jr. that night. Maybe before or afterwards. Before could work, and then I'll have my cabby take me to The Abbey and back, becuase it's IMPOSSIBLE to get a cab out there.

CB: Allergic to beer?!?! My heart goes out to you . . . What do you do at a ball game? God damn! At Wrigley Field the beer smells like roses on a fresh, Summer day. I wouldn't be able to resist. I'd pound down ten and break out in hives.

Drunken Chud said...

ok, if a woman orders a cranberry and vodka, she's not too high maintenance, but also can't make up her own mind.

if she orders a tequila sunrise, she's mostly out for attention.

if she orders something super specialty, like say, a vodka tonic with a side glass of 5 lemon wedges... high maintenance bitch.

most women stick to rum and vodka drinks because, well, i feel most women don't have a very good alcohol palate. some women do enjoy jack and cokes, mainly because jack daniels has a bit of a sweeter taste to it, and when mixed with coke lends itself to the girly palate.

now, if a man orders a vodka cranberry, he's probably going to hit on you. not me, cuz i'm fat and he's prolly not a chubby chaser.

if i see a guy order an oberon, i think he's too trendy for his own good. IF he gets an oberon AND it has the orange slice in it, he clearly doesn't know how to look manly, is missing a father figure, and probably pees sitting down.

if a guy orders miller high life, he clearly hates his life. if he swears that high life is his favorite beer, then you could probably feed him rancid meat and he would like it. and thank you for it.

if you're a dude, you can pretty much get away with drinking anything canadian, bud light and miller lite (sissy) and any dark, red, or amber beer. drink an IPA if you're trying to be snobby but don't know what good beer tastes like. and only partake in seasonal brews at a microbrew, or in the comfort of your own home.

that being said, kadonkadonk had it right... PBR me ASAP, single greatest slogan/commercial run ever. great taste/less filling was annoying. but you can ALWAYS say, "pbr me, asap!" and get a laugh.

Jessica said...

I love PBR. Case closed it is cool.

Pretty much all I drink out is Vodka tonics. In a pint glass please.

But yes Coors Light is for total losers. Except for you. Your roommate can't pull it off though. He should go brush his tooth.

wmy said...

Oh lord...I have bartended for an embarrassingly long time, sooooooo

I agree with you...a lot of guys will drink whatever is on special.

Women coming in after work just wanna power drink a know, so they can be just buzzed enough to deal with the family without killing them.

Then you have the pricky Iambetterandricherthaneveryone guys, they come in and order the top shelf shit...on the rocks. And they order it loudly enough and with a "don't insult my godliness by offering me well liquor" look so that everyone hears them

And then...then you get the sluts...the ones who come in and order a draft beer...while they are sizing up the patrons...sipping said draft, they quickly skip over the guys who are drinking whatever is on special and move right onto Mr. Pricky...sliding over seductively...he offers to buy her next drink, and she orders the THE MOST EXPENSIVE SHIT IN THE HOUSE!

and he is just stupid enough to buy it for her too!!

It never stops amazing me!

ReckenRoll said...

As a PNW American, I find all microbrews acceptable and figure it's what every man, woman & child should drink if the option is provided (which it's not in UK/Europe). Belgian beer is good. German beer is better.

In the USA, if you are drinking PBR, Coors, or any type of mass produced beer (light or otherwise)I will first assume you are doing it for irony or it's on special or the good stuff isn't available or its a hot day and a heavy microbrew isn't going to cut it. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

That said, the expat has come to learn that men drink different things all over the world (including Rose in Europe) and American light beer is a waste of everyone's time. It's just there's a lot of better things to drink out there so why waste my time and money on glorified water and running to take a pee all night? (In Alaska we used to drink Bud Light to "sober up", I kid you not).

Having said all THAT, I am with Not Carrie, it's kinda sexy when a guy appreciates a nice whiskey/bourbon (not that I can drink it myself).

chuckdaddy2000 said...

I third the NW beer comments. It's all about microbrews or ironically drinking a Miller or PBR here, although it is interesting to see the progression.

It's gone from Miller to everyone drinking micros to hipsters drinking PBR to be different (and Blue Velvet) to younger hipsters drinking Miller to show they could give a shit. Kinda lame...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: Damn! That was a bad-ass assessment.

Jess: One Vodka tonic in a pint glass coming up!

WMY: It sounds as if you've gained some valuable people watching experience.

Reck: Bud Light to sober up?! Hot, damn tamale! That's some serious drinking.

Chuck: I've never heard of Blue Velvet. Sounds like a damn, sexy beer.

Grad School Reject said...

Of all the parties for me to be late...I had to be late to the one about beer.

I am glad that you have so many PBR fans. I use PBR and Hi-Life as a shield to protect me from people I probalby woudn't like. For example, if someone didn't want to sit near because I had a PRB that is probably best for both of us. That said, I will not order a PBR from a bar that is "posing" as a dive, and then trys to sell PBR for 4.50. Even in D.C. it should never be more than two bucks.

mysterygirl! said...

If I see a guy drinking a PBR or Miller High Life, I think "hipster," unless he's clearly out for a bargain. I often order PBR, or Miller Lite, because I'm just that cheap.

If I see a guy drinking a pink drink, I will probably make fun of him, though I know that's totally unfair. Oh, why must pink be so delicious? If I know the guy, it's one thing, but I might tease a random guy if he approached me while holding a Cosmo or some other pretty 'tini. On the other hand, I would rather hang out with a dude who rocks his pink drink than one who orders a really expensive bourbon just to look the part. It's all about owning your choices.

Who knew I had so many preconceived notions about booze?

Mr. Shife said...

Well if I see a dude drinking a wine cooler then you know what I am thinking. That's right he is fabulous and he can give me tips on how to dress or at least design my living room.

Steph said...

Beer, shmeer. It all tastes like piss I reckon.......not that i know what piss tastes like,but I IMAGINE it would taste similar to beer.

classyandfancy said...

I will only consider a man that drinks Zima.

classyandfancy said...

New Attitude is Patti LaBelle.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Grad:I agree! If someone doesn't want to talk to me because I'm drinking a High Life, than I don't want to talk to them. It's a good screening process.

Mystery: I drank a shit load of cosmo's when I was in NY, and nobody told me it was a girly drink. This was before they drank them on Sex and the City.

Shife: Wine coolers are pretty fruity, but I must say I fancy ciders. Are those swishy too?

Steph: It's SUPPOSED to taste like piss. That's the beauty of it.

Classy: I heard if you drop a jolly rancher in a zima it's a little slice of heaven. Patty LaBelle! Did you look that up? Darn you!

Julie_Gong said...

I can guess a persons age (within about 3 years )and social class by what they drink. Its a talent I've developed by working in 'the industry'

Just wait for the HL ads... they are much better.

Mr. Shife said...

Question: Did you get your name from the movie Anchorman? I was just looking at some movie quotes and I saw the line from Paul Rudd's character, Brian Fantana, about what he calls his testes.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

This is the gayest post you've ever done.

Jessica said...

consider you a lazy ass.

Put up a post and stop smoking weed.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Julie: That is, indeed, a skill. Big ups!

Shife: Truth be told, I did get the name from Paul Rudd's nut.

Cherry: Hahahahahhahaha!

Jess: No weed for The Gancer, I swear, but I did finally post, with or without your flattering harassing.

Anonymous said...

Hello, my name is Warped and I'm an alcoholic.

Man, someone starts a thread on alcohol and everyone chimes in. Lushes unite!

I would love to be somewhere drinking a Carlsburg Special Brew and giggling inside because nobody here would know that I was drinking the official Tramp Beer.

classyandfancy said...

I didn't look it up. I am just that good.

classyandfancy said...

And I loved Patti's hat hairdo in the video

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Step: Yeah, booze really got the conversation flowing, so to speak.

Classy: You ARE that good. Big ups for knowing that. Now get your hair like her's!

redcap said...

Meh, can't see the point in light beer. All beer tastes like arse and light just means it takes longer to get trashed. The only reason I can see for drinking light is if you have to drive and want to match everyone else beer for beer.

Oh, and if you're in the fetal position, you're going to be needing a damned sight more than beer to get you out of it. Just go straight for the spirits, Sunny Jim. I recommend Jamaican run.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Redcap: I just got some imported rum. It was on clearance for $5.99. It makes a glass of coke taste like rubbing alcohol, so it must be good.