Saturday, May 12, 2007

A Farewell To the Bull-Goose, Looney Roomie (BGLR)*

If I've told you my living situation too many times, I apologize, but I live with 4 other men. Over the past year or so I've lived with one of the craziest guys I've ever known, and while he was a friend I knew to be a little eccentric before he moved in, I had no idea just how nutty he was until I lived with him for a while. Here are some of the wackiest moments, and thanks to JC and others who helped me remember some of the funnier ones. There are tons more events that pissed me and the other roomies off more, which would better illustrate what a bad roomie he has been, but as always, I'm going more for laughs with these. If you are the roomie in question, and you're reading this, I'm really sorry, but it's too funny not to post. You're the worst roommate ever, but just know, you'll always be a good friend of mine.

7) On the first weekend one other roomie had moved in, we're sitting on the couch watching football, and BGLR is eating the contents of a bag filled to the rim with items carefully chosen from Wendy's dollar menu. I can see it dawning on him that his order had been messed up, and while the poor, unsuspecting new roomie had no idea what was in store, I knew full well that the wrath of BGLR was about to come crashing down right in our living room. BGLR lifted a burger into the air, about to throw it, stopped, thought better of it, then changed his mind BACK, and spiked the burger onto his television tray like a football player who had just scored a touchdown, only this was an ANGRY touchdown, which sprayed the contents of the burger all across the room. I watched the new roomie to see his reaction, and as he picked the lettuce shrapnel off his chest, I could tell that he was wondering what in the hell he had gotten himself into.

6) BGLR has ADHD. One day he was sitting at the kitchen island reading three magazines, sprawled across the counter, all at once. He said, pointing to one of three magazines, "Hey Gancer, they got a bike auction this weekend." Then pointing to another, "Look at the ass on this chick in Maxim." Then pointing to yet another publication, "You can get a good deal on computers here." He is a restless, intense man, and I love him/hate him for that.

5) One night I woke up the entire apartment with this girl, and most of the roomies were cool about it. BGLR wasn't too cool about it. He came out of his room, which is next door to mine, to tell us we were too loud, and just then my guest opened the door to make her naked walk down the hallway to see BGLR standing in the doorway. She shrieked and darted down the hall, and into the bathroom. He saw us BOTH naked that night/morning. He then slammed every door he could think of, hollered, screamed, and all the roomies said that they did hear the goings-on of my guest and myself, but they all said that BGLR's antics were way louder. The worst part: He said, "Can't you do this at (Insert Name Here's) house, and it wasn't (Insert Name Here).

4) This

3) Before BGLR moved into our place, I had to abruptly move him out of his other place. I'll get into the reasons why he had to move out in number 2. As we're gathering up his belongings, he says to me, "Gancer, you're going to get to see the infamous Red Chest. When he opened up the surprisingly classy chest, I saw that the contents were anything but classy. The contents were, in fact, more pornography than I ever thought could be packed into a mere 3 X 4 foot space. Evidently, BGLR ran a rather lucrative porno rental business on his floor of his dormitory in college. I was honored to have seen the Red Chest, which he spoke of like it were the Holy Grail. He parted ways with the Red Chest and its contents that day, but he has amassed a 100 gig library of porn on his computer in its absence. I don't know a lot about porn or computers, okay fine, I probably know a little more about the former than the latter, but I know enough about the latter to know that 100 gig is a big number when you're dealing with porn.

2) He had to move out of his last place because of an incident that started with his last roomy taking too long of a shower on the morning of an important review at BGLR's workplace. An argument ensued, the guy lunged at BGLR, BGLR punched him, and threw his naked body into the shower. Then the other guy chased him down the hallway, naked, and tried to stab him with the shower curtain rod. The way he told the story, he made it sound like it was all the other guy's fault, but knowing what I know now, the other guy could have been a totally sane guy, who happened to live with the worst roommate ever.

1) The Orientation
When we suddenly needed two new roommates, BGLR spear-headed the search. He was really getting into showing people the place and looking for the right fit, but like everything else in his life, it caused him a lot of stress. By the time he had scheduled a meet and greet with the two chosen roomies, he was so relieved to have the process over, that he decided to indulge in a jumbo bottle of Jack Daniels. By the time the new roomies got there, he was 3/4 drunk. Myself and a current resident spent all our time trying to cover for BGLR, who was saying all kinds of stupid things and farting. Yes farting. All I could think was, "God, I hope these guys don't think he drinks like this every week night." But he does . . . He then went out for drinks with one of the prospective roomies, who ended up backing out that night. BGLR claims that the guy propositioned him to move out to a different place with him, and BGLR sent him packing. That's probably not what happened, and while I'll never know what actually happened, I saw enough at the orientation to know that the tight-assed potential tenant probably made a break for it, which was the right call for him, and we actually got a cooler roomie out of the deal, thanks to the drunken orientation.

BGLR, as I said earlier, I'll always consider you a close friend, and if you're reading this, I hope you're not mad at me for posting these tales. We'll be TEN times better friends at the end of the month when you're living a comfortable TEN city blocks west of me.

* Propers to anyone who can name what book/movie this is from?
** I stumbled across this blog, which also involved our departing friend.

24 comments:

Diesel said...

I don't think I had any roommates who were that bad.

Wait, I think that might have been me.

phishez_rule said...

Woo! He sounds... intense. Also sounds like, if he does find this blog, you're not gonna have a crazy friend anymore.

Wow. Life will be much simpler without him. Hope you guys do stay friends. Everyone needs someone cracked to entertain them.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Last time Wendys screwed up my order, I stormed behind the counter and poured scalding hot chili over the cook's head. I don't think he'll make that mistake again.

Mainly, because he's dead.

Grad School Reject said...

Nice nod to Ken Kesey (or Jack Nicholson, whomever you want to identify it with). I had a crazy roomate in college, but since then I have been pretty fortunate.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Diesel: Why does your picture always make me think of James Hetfield at first glance?

Phishez: I don't think he'll read, and even if he does, I think he knows he's nuts. But hey, we're all a little nuts.

Mighty: Death by cheap chili. What a way to go.

Grad: Congrats! You win . . . Nothing. But nice bust on getting that one. I suppose your crazy roommate days are over, being married and all. Wait, crazy roommate days are just beginning!

ADW said...

Holy shit. That's all I've got.

ReckenRoll said...

For some reason I am seeing the air guitar in the shower blog combined with this one and realize that you were in even MORE imminent danger than previously realized!

I can now sleep well at night knowing your jam sessions won't result in fisticuffs.

5 of 9er said...

I am better friends with some of my old roomates after we stopped living together.

zen wizard said...

Well, I forget who said it, but "never have friends as roommates."

The reason they are a good time is the same reason they are $h!TTy roommates,

Drunken Chud said...

i had a shit roomie once. he was a former army ranger and not quite right in the head. when he'd get drunk, he'd get violent. and the last thing you want is a drunken violent army ranger rampaging through your house. the other roomies and i would have to put him down, and to this required a coordinated effort of me knocking his ass out cold and them putting handcuffs on him and shoving in his car. usually he'd calm down after that. leave him in his car for a while (till the movie/tv show/video game was over, or till the girls left). we'd let him out, take the cuffs off of him and he'd apologize. i lost my security deposit because of him and the holes in the wall. but i payed him back for that with brain contusions and chipped teeth.

classyandfancy said...

I guess you should be glad he didn't try to stab titty bucks girl with the curtain rod while yelling the wrong name.

mysterygirl! said...

Whoa, was this the post you wanted to commission stick figures for? Because it would be a challenge--but a hilarious challenge-- to try to create a shower fight in MS Paint. I will make stick figs for you any time. AND I might be in Chicago over Memorial Day weekend. Might.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Adw: What else can be said, really? Thanks for coming by!

Reck: Hey, my shower air guitars are a victimless crime!

9er: I know we'll be cool once he moves out. I just don't want to know things about his world.

Chudly: Yikes. Maybe Ranger Rick and BGLR should get a place together and battle to the death.

Classy: I think I, and Little Gancer, should be glad he wasn't armed with a shower rod on that fateful day.

MG: Your stick figure thing is very unique, so if I were to ever commission you, I'd be sure to give you full credit. You totally should come out for MM weekend! You need to go to The Liar's Club to see if it lives up the hype I've built. Also, you could meet Cherry Ride and the like. Then we can all blog about the experience, like big 'ole nerds.

Drunken Chud said...

ooooh... roommate battle to the death. i am picturing american gladiators but without the safety equipment, judges, or rules.

Fever Dog said...

Bull Goose Loonie is clearly a reference to Kesey's Cuckoo's Nest.

I once had a roomie so crazy she believed her daughter had been the result of extra-terrestrial insemination.

K.I.D. said...

Wow.

This is why I'm moving to a one bedroom when my lease is up. Not b/c I think I'll get a roommate like that...b/c I'm afraid I'll turn into a roommate like that. After a certain age, it's just not natural.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Story #2 is by far my favorite. You've made BGLR into a folk hero.

Mr. Shife said...

Good luck BGLR. You sound like a wild man. And Dr. Noisewater I did see the Hoff video. I also the David Spade spoof on his Comedy Central which was just as funny.

Anonymous said...

must say, its better reading about BGLR than to experience them as a roommate - even if safely locked in your room with the dresser blocking the door.

Diesel said...

James Hetfield? That's like... so AWESOME.

Eve said...

That may be the funniest post I've ever read.

And I too have a crazy (and horrible) roommate, but I've never run naked down the hallway clutching the shower curtain rod with the intent to impale.

One thing though: be grateful your roommate isn't a "freelancer." And by that, I mean, trust-funder who hangs around the house playing drums, eating my food, and abusing his cat.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chudly: Well, my roomy is 300 pounds, but your's is an army ranger. Could be interesting . . .

Fevor: Good work on getting the title right! Could she have believed that because Fevor impregnated her in her sleep? Just a thought . . .

K.I.D.: Yes, it's making less and less sense to live with roomies at my age. One more year with these fellas.

Cherry: He's a legend. I told the other roomies that they will never forget him, and that's the truth.

Shife: I love that Hoff clip. "This is a mess . . . "

Anon: It hasn't come to barracading myself in my room just yet, but the next 15 days could prove interesting.

Diesel: It's just that picture, because you don't look like James in the Carey Grant pic.

A freelance cat abuser? It's not too late to strip and grab that shower rod.

Legaleagle said...

Oy veigh! Crazy roommates! I'll never have another female roommate -- the last one tried to kill me. Of course, my last male roomie stole all of my underwear when I moved. Hmmmm.....

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

legal: Took all your undies!!! Jeez, I could see taking ONE pair.