Monday, July 30, 2007


Yesterday I went over to a friend's house for a BBQ and a farewell to newlywed friends of mine who are off to Florida for good on Tuesday. Upon my arrival, I was filled in about the car accident that had just happened. Apparently, a drunk dude smacked into another guy's car at a stop sign, and the cops were there talking to both parties. After the cops left, the guy who got hit came over to get our information in case he needed witnesses. It was a nice, quick visit. THEN, the drunk dude came over with his dog, who had been in the car for the TWO HOURS they were talking to the cops, and sadly, the visit from him and Jersey, his dog, was not at all a short visit.

Drunk dude was pleading his case to us, but we just wanted him to leave. He then asked me if I could move his car out of the middle of the street and into a parking space, which I was glad to do. He f'd up his car pretty good because something was grinding really loud like a sonuva-B. After parking it, I handed him the keys and said, "Car sounds great. Good luck." That should have been his cue to leave. Oh no . . . He then made a phone call, and asked me to hold onto his dog. What? I just parked your beat up car, and now you want me to hold onto your stupid dog!?

So, I'm holding onto this random, drunk guy's dog, and I'm growing rather fond of her. Her name was Jersey, and she looked like a golden retriever but with shorter hair and a white patch of fur on her chest. She was really well behaved, but we determined that she was hungry because she had been away from home for a long time, and she was doing a great deal of whimpering. We gave her some water, but she wanted nothing to do with pickles. She did, however, eat the shit out of the pieces of bread we threw to her, which she caught in her mouth and wolfed down.

When drunk guy finally came back after leaving us with his dog for literally hours, he updated us about his situation, as if we gave a shit, but what killed me is he SAT DOWN. I saw him start to sit, and it was like in slow motion . . . You know when you're trying to end a conversation with someone, and everything you say are parting words? That's what I tried to do, but this cat was in it for the long haul on perhaps the last day I would ever see one of my best friends. Yes, Drunky, it's YOU I want to talk to. Perhaps the best thing about this guy was that he had on a green t-shirt with a drawing of bowling pins getting knocked down that said, "That's How I Role!" How is it that you role exactly? Getting drunk? Crashing into another guy's car? Overstaying your welcome? Making your DOG overstay her welcome? Actually, Jersey could have stayed all night. We were sad to see her go, but not as sad as we were to see our newlywed friends go. Our friend gave myself and my other good friend a long embrace, and when we pulled away, we noticed he was crying. Very sad to see him go, but he will always have a place in my heart because that's how I role.


K.I.D. said... annoying as I'm sure that was...I'm so glad that happened!

Sorry. It's funny.

Grad School Reject said...

Did this dude try and eat and drink any of the stash? I gotta admit I've never heard of anything like this before.

ADW said...

How did he not get arrested????

captain corky said...

You should get a bigger dog to keep freaks like him away from you.

Scary Monster said...

Me has got to say that the more me reads, the more me likes this particular brand of zaniness.

Do ya think that mebbe it were Jersey that were drivin the car. Dogs make for the best designated drivers, ya?


Jenny! said...

I do hope he doesn't call you in nine months to inform you that Jersey has deliverd teh most beautiful pups ever...with a striking resemblance to you!

Why didn't you just tell him to leave???

ReckenRoll said...

I am with ADW, how was he not arrested?

My first thought was, call a taxi for him. When it arrives say, "Here's your taxi!" Shuffle drunk dude into taxi, slam door, wave buh bye.

Come Back Brighter said...

Shame you didn't get to keep the dog -- and like adw, I'm interested how a guy this drunk was not arrested at the scene

Zen Wizard said...

I have always wanted one of these shirts that say, "Grab your balls, we're goin' bowling!

I am saving up for it...and trying to lose weight since it only comes in an XL.

Maybe you can buy one for your new best bud!

Michael5000 said...

Whadda nightmare. I used to get in those situations in college, when I worked graveyard shift at a convenience store and was contractually obligated to be more or less polite to all comers.

I can imagine scary horror movie music on the soundtrack as Drunk Guy sat down in slow motion.

Anonymous said...

while i can't really shed any light on the drunk-who-won't-leave situation...i can throw some ideas in for poor little jersey.

if you ever find yourself with a hungry dog...go for a peanut butter sandwich. (my puppers likes it with jelly...but that's just kennedy, i guess)

the bread is a filling snack. the peanut butter is a good treat for the dog and is really funny to watch them eat.

Kritkrat said...

Dude, 5000 said he had to be polite to all cumers. That must have been a fun job!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

k.i.d.: It was equal parts annoying and funny.

GSR: We offered him a beer, but he opted for a "coca-cola."

ADW: Chicago is cool like that. They have real crimes to fight, so if everyone's okay they just go fight the real crimes.

Corky: Yeah, but then what would I write about?

Monster. Thanks. They might have been better off with Jersey driving. Hahahhahha!

Jenny: That's not my style (humping dogs nor telling people to leave).

Reck: Shove him into the taxi, but without the dog, so I get to keep her!!

Fever: I was really hoping the drunk fucker would forget his dog.

Zen: So, you have to drop down from the XXL? Well, it's good to have a goal shirt to fit in, and I don't think a shirt could be much cooler.

Michael: I like that line in Mallrats when he responds to that "customer is always right" crap by saying, "Let me tell you a secret: THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE!" Ahhhhh, Ben Afleck was so much better when he was fat.

Helper: If Jersey were all mine I'd be splitting PB and J's with her right now. : (

Kadonk: All cumers!! That might be more like an Asian massage girl or a nudey booth girl. Weren't you a nudey booth girl in college?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You need to grow a fucking sack. Not only should the drunk guy be exonerated, but you should be locked up for being a damn pussy!

? said...

Well, you could look at this as a good thing. You met a chick (Jersey) AND your friends got what they deserved. They are leaving you to go to the retirement mecca of the world: Florida. Aren't you the least bit jealous?! Or am I the only jealous bitch in the room? (don't answer that)

Drunken Chud said...

hahahaha. in college i lived on a main road. ahh fun shit. the best were the drunks who would crash on our porch on their way back from any of the 3 bars that were walking distance from my house. heh. i love alcohol.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

C'mon, you guys have the ultimate adult party pad - that's why he wanted to stay.

Steph said...

Your first mistake was making eye contact. Seriously.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mighty: Wow. Someones a little testy, I mean, someone has little testes. I'm going to train Jersey to bite your testes.

Bottle: I did meat a Jersey girl . . .

Chudley: That sounds like fun for the whole family.

Cherry: Actually this was at my friends house. If it were MY place, yeah, he'd still be here drinking out beer.

Steph: Maybe you're right. I was thinking about faking a seizure.