Saturday, August 04, 2007

Wanted: A Funny Imbruglia With Good Taste in Music

I was trying to explain to someone that I don't really have a "type" when it comes to women, nor do I believe that there is a "soul mate" out there somewhere for me, but sometimes I swear that I can picture the gal for me. For some reason, I always see a gal in my head who has dark hair, big, blue or green eyes, and she's almost always wearing tight-fitting t-shirts and wife-beats. She kind of looks like Natalie Imbruglia, but, of course, her taste in music doesn't suck. She doesn't have to be quite a music snob, like me, but she at least has to be open to new music and passionate about it.

She's funny too. And I don't mean she's the funny one according to her group of female friends; I mean guys think she's funny too. This is a tall order, and I'll tell you why. I'm estimating the percentage of funny women to be around 13%. Of those funny women, I'm going to say that .07% of them attractive. This is because pretty people, boys and girls alike, so rarely cultivate much of a personality, since they get by so easily on their looks. I guess what I'm looking for is that late bloomer chick, who became funny and intelligent through her ugly duckling phase, and then rose out of her ugly-ass ashes, like a phoenix. Like a hot, funny phoenix.

She's exciting and fun to be around. She's unpredictable and maybe even a little crazy. Not bat shit crazy, just a dash, enough to keep me on my toes, but not to the degree where she's slicing off my penis in my sleep like Lorena or burning my house down like Lisa "Left Eye."*

She's easy-going and low mainainence, but not quite a push-over. Nothing turns me off more than when someone gets all pissy and brings everyone down. I hate when people put themselves above everyone else, and make a situation uncomfortable.

She really likes sex, on the brink of nymphomania, but just with me. Well, maybe with some of her female friends on occaision, but she's not into that sort of thing to the point where she leaves me for one of them, then later trades in her cute, Imbrulgia-hair for a not-so-cute, Martina Navratilova femullet.

She drinks socially. Sometimes it gets a little out of hand, but she's rarely a mean-spirited or embarrassing drunk.

She's a genuinely nice person, but she also has edge to her. She can make a very innapropriate joke as well as laugh at one. If you've been reading for more than a post or two, you know that this one is REALLY important.

What do think, seven readers? Is all of this too much to ask? Should I cut and paste it onto Craig's List? What's that illusive quality you search for in the opposite sex?

*That reminds me of a joke: What's the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbit?
Answere: Bob is SLick PRicer

27 comments:

Drunken Chud said...

i've met this girl. i like this girl. right now i'm waiting for her to ditch her boyfriend and develop an affinity for fat guys. seriously, she's all of what you ask. except she has long hair. of course i know a blonde version of her too, except she has kids and isn't into chicks at all.

BottleBlonde said...

Good luck with that - I mean, finding your Natalia Imbruglia look-alike with great personality and penchant for nymphomania. Meanwhile, I’ll be on the lookout for my Matthew McConaughey look-alike with great personality, large 'member,' and penchant for catering to my every need.

Nah, I don’t think either of us is asking for much in a mate.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Fuck Natalie Imbruglia. I'm looking for Avril Lavigne.

I don't get the Bob Barker joke. Please explain.

Kadonkadonk said...

Jesus fuck, Doc, I hope you have more to bring to the table than massive farts and shitty BoB Barker jokes or I'm going to guess the odds of you finding your dream girl are about as likely as me losing 20 pounds and actually finding someone who is not psycho on Match.com...

Kadonkadonk said...

Hmmm, that looks way more bitchy than it sounded in my head.

michael5000 said...

Hmmm.... if you wrote this out like an equation, and then reduced all of the variables to their least common whatsit -- it's been a while since my last math class -- what you are saying is that you'd like to meet someone who is attractive, attractive, attractive, attractive, and attractive. So you're definitely on the right track.

Your CL ad is perfect. Attractive women regularly scour the personals hoping to find someone, anyone, who is interested in meeting attractive women. You'll be fending them off with a stick.

michael5000 said...

Damn, mine looks bitchy too.

Scary Monster said...

Me got just what the Doktorr ordered here be the perfect girl for ya.

STOMP!

Jenny! said...

You forgot that she needs to be accepting of your nasty farts!

Fever Dog said...

Single. Attractive. Sane.
Choose two.

RevRee said...

Someone told me to come take a look at your blog, they said you were talking about me...


;-)

ADW said...

It's me, it's me. Well, except for the brown hair, everything else is pretty spot on. And I'm married.... but I'll keep a look out for my clone - with brown hairs of course.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chudz: I have a feeling this gal is into pirates. Who isn't?

Bottle: I'm confident you'll find your well-hung McConaughey.

Mighty: I never would have pegged you for an Avril man. As for the joke, just look at the letters that are capitalized.

Kadonk: I didn't take it bitchy. I thought it was funny.

Michael: Yeah, those attractive women with great personalities can never meet a guy. They're just waiting for a dork like me to sweep them off their feet.

Scary: She looks cute. Can you clean her out before you mail her to me?

Jenny: If she's the right one, she'll be proud of them.

Fever: I'll take sane and attractive. Single status is more temporary.

Rev and Adw: Maybe the two of you can morph into the perfect chick. If we can do the morphing, maybe we should throw in some superpowers, like exploding breast missiles.

ReckenRoll said...

What happened to the quasi-gf? Or is this a "shopping for the PERFECT little black dress even though you have a perfectly good one at home" kinda thing?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

SLob is a BRick Picer?

chuckdaddy2000 said...

"Single. Attractive. Sane.
Choose two."

Or maybe- Attractive, Funny, Sane. Choose 2. And we all know which 2 we choose (funny, attractive) and the lacking one that shows up later.

Steph said...

Jebus you're not asking for much are you? I'm surpises you didn't add; Loves to give blowjobs 24/7 and bring me beer and the remote on request ;)

captain corky said...

"Should I cut and paste it onto Craig's List?"

LOL! Good luck with your search and please let me know how it goes.

mysterygirl! said...

Yes, do update us on the quasi-GF or whatever her status has been elevated or demoted to these days. :)

I don't know what elusive quality I look for-- I work with all women and marrieds, so the idea that I could meet a new guy, much less hit it off with him, is almost unfathomable.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Reck: The quasi is kinda on the outs. It's complicated.

Mighty: Thanks for coming back to better understand the joke!

Chuck: Yeah, I'll be holding out for a long time if I wait for a sane one.

Captain: Hey, CL has worked some miracles before . . .

MG: I think there has been a demotion, but I don't have a term for her new status yet.

Mr. Shife said...

Wow. That is a tall order. It sounds like you need to do what they did in Weird Science. Just make yourself one. I hope you don't have an older brother named Chet though.

Diesel said...

Wow, it's uncanny. That's ME.

Loaf said...

No harm in hoping for that perfect woman, but in the mean time, don't say no to those hot psycho girls while you're waiting.

As for me, I'll be holding out for a Rihanna lookalike with the hips of Shakira and the voice of Liz Hurley...

zen wizard said...

Let's see, you want a woman who is:

1) Funny,
2) Beautiful in a classic brunette type of way,
3) Has your same taste in music,
and,
4) presumably isn't already being hit on by a million horndogs--or, is secure enough in her ego to still fit through the door after being hit on by said horndogs.

You are correct that "funny" and "beautiful" kind of cancel out.

Beautiful women don't have to be funny. Some funny women are sexy in their own way, in a kind of "Tina Fey, used-to-be-a-nerd-but-then-I-suddenly-got-hot"-kind of way, as you noted.

Let me ask you this: Why is the music thing so d@mned important? I mean, if I meet a woman who is beautiful and funny and puts out on the third date--and isn't TOO insulting to my car or apartment, or a pain in the ass--she can listen to Spike Jones singing Gregorian chants backed by a drunken Mariachi band whose horns were dented in a gruesome bus wreck, for all I care.

I mean, if a woman is beautiful and funny and puts out--and the DNA test comes back and she doesn't really have a Y-chromosome--I would pretty much face Mecca three times a day on that...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shifey: I did that at first as a blog idea! I got halfway through writing out all my physical specifications when I realized that it might be sexist to post it. I did save it on a word document, so I may post it on an anonymous blog.

Diesel: You look more like James Hetfield in your pic, but I'll give it a go. He's a rock star after all.

Loafer: This Liz Hurley and Shakira thing is working for me for sure, but who is Rihanna?

Zen: I know I compliment you every time you comment, but I'll be damned if you don't drop the funniest, most insightful comments, ever. Please keep coming back. As for why the music thing is so important: I guess you just have to understand that everything in The Gancer's life comes back to rock music somehow. If a girl can't get into that, she's going to get annoyed real fast.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

How on earth did you find my Match.com profile? ;-)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Carrie: Spot-on, right?