At my new job I was assigned a big brother, and it was up to me to set up a time to "talk shop" with him. He and I decided that we should get a drink after work this past Wednesday. A few drinks turned into quite a few for a Wednesday, and I really didn't need to hear him say to the bartender, in his thick, Chicago accent, "We'll take a coupla' those bombs (of the Jaeger variety) that ya got der."
What's kind of funny is that he is a lot like the crazy-ass big brother I never had, in that he's a couple years older than me, he has the blond hair and blue eyes, and he takes some of my craziness up a notch. Okay, a big notch. However, I will say that My Big Brother imparted a lot of knowledge upon me, only a handful of which was work related, and I'd like to share with you, my seven readers, a few pearls of wisdom that he bestowed upon me that very day.
1. Don't ever get married to a girl with whom you regularly have threesomes. Quite regularly, Big Brother and the little mrs. would go to bars, he'd approach girls, and the three of them would go home for a swinging-good time. He confirmed my suspicions about threesomes not always being all they're cracked up to be, mostly due to her having twosomes with gals when he wasn't around. Well, to his credit, swinging or not, hitting the one-year-mark to the day, he stayed married four months longer than I.
2. If you get married to a girl with whom your regularly have threesomes, or any other type of girl for that matter, don't put off the wedding for three years until Halloween falls on a Friday, since you're both big fans of Halloween, and make a it a huge, blowout, masquerade party that you pay for with your own money. Big Brother has done really well for himself at work. He bought his dream car, a Jaguar, and he just recently, finally, payed off his masquerade ball wedding. I'd like to also say I learned that I shouldn't ever, ever "masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no," but Corey Heart taught me that long, long ago.
3. This is more something in which he simply agreed with when I mentioned it, but because his convictions were so firm when he concurred, I'm going to include it anyway: Always date the prettiest of the sisters. I told him about the Peruvian girl I once dated, who to her credit, was a foxy-ass lady, she was in no way the Carnie Wilson in a Wilson Phillips equation, but she had two smokin' hot, little, twin sisters. Big Brother responded immediately that one must always date the prettiest of the sisters, or it will vex you for eternity.
When in a foreign land, and it's getting close to last call, one must hone in on the first girls one comes across who speaks English. Big Brother was on an annual company outing to Puerto Rico, which Doctor Kenneth is very much looking forward to, incidentally, and he applied this tactic with great success, in that he and a coworker got the girls back to his room. Their only downfall was being told numerous times by staff members to quite down, and they were thrown out of the hotel, having to pack their bags in the wee hours of the morning. I have a feeling Puerto Rico is not going to know what hit it when Big Brother and Little Brother come strolling into town . . .
Discussion: Since I'm confident this little-rag-that-couldn't bosts having the wittiest, funniest, most savvy readers in all the land, tell me a funny, little life lesson you've picked up along your way.