Saturday, October 13, 2007

My Big Brother

At my new job I was assigned a big brother, and it was up to me to set up a time to "talk shop" with him. He and I decided that we should get a drink after work this past Wednesday. A few drinks turned into quite a few for a Wednesday, and I really didn't need to hear him say to the bartender, in his thick, Chicago accent, "We'll take a coupla' those bombs (of the Jaeger variety) that ya got der."

What's kind of funny is that he is a lot like the crazy-ass big brother I never had, in that he's a couple years older than me, he has the blond hair and blue eyes, and he takes some of my craziness up a notch. Okay, a big notch. However, I will say that My Big Brother imparted a lot of knowledge upon me, only a handful of which was work related, and I'd like to share with you, my seven readers, a few pearls of wisdom that he bestowed upon me that very day.


1. Don't ever get married to a girl with whom you regularly have threesomes.
Quite regularly, Big Brother and the little mrs. would go to bars, he'd approach girls, and the three of them would go home for a swinging-good time. He confirmed my suspicions about threesomes not always being all they're cracked up to be, mostly due to her having twosomes with gals when he wasn't around. Well, to his credit, swinging or not, hitting the one-year-mark to the day, he stayed married four months longer than I.


2. If you get married to a girl with whom your regularly have threesomes, or any other type of girl for that matter, don't put off the wedding for three years until Halloween falls on a Friday, since you're both big fans of Halloween, and make a it a huge, blowout, masquerade party that you pay for with your own money.
Big Brother has done really well for himself at work. He bought his dream car, a Jaguar, and he just recently, finally, payed off his masquerade ball wedding. I'd like to also say I learned that I shouldn't ever, ever "masquerade with the guy in shades, oh no," but Corey Heart taught me that long, long ago.

3. This is more something in which he simply agreed with when I mentioned it, but because his convictions were so firm when he concurred, I'm going to include it anyway: Always date the prettiest of the sisters. I told him about the Peruvian girl I once dated, who to her credit, was a foxy-ass lady, she was in no way the Carnie Wilson in a Wilson Phillips equation, but she had two smokin' hot, little, twin sisters. Big Brother responded immediately that one must always date the prettiest of the sisters, or it will vex you for eternity.

When in a foreign land, and it's getting close to last call, one must hone in on the first girls one comes across who speaks English. Big Brother was on an annual company outing to Puerto Rico, which Doctor Kenneth is very much looking forward to, incidentally, and he applied this tactic with great success, in that he and a coworker got the girls back to his room. Their only downfall was being told numerous times by staff members to quite down, and they were thrown out of the hotel, having to pack their bags in the wee hours of the morning. I have a feeling Puerto Rico is not going to know what hit it when Big Brother and Little Brother come strolling into town . . .

Discussion: Since I'm confident this little-rag-that-couldn't bosts having the wittiest, funniest, most savvy readers in all the land, tell me a funny, little life lesson you've picked up along your way.

29 comments:

non-Blondie said...

to finish the stupid 'dance like nobodies watching' motivational quote: fuck like you're on camera.

Scary Monster said...

Basic rule of thumb. Iffin yer at a bar and it's last call you pretty much takes what you can get; then regret it the next day.

STOMP

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Which one is Carnie? Is she the fat one?

captain corky said...

Never smoke pot after you've been drinking all night. That can be pretty messy.

Steph said...

Never, ever, ask- "is it in yet?"

Laaw-yuhr said...

If you're going to take a vibrator on a trip you might want to:

1) put it inside the body of your suitcase, rather than the front pocket.
2) take the batteries out so that your bag as it comes off the carousel is not not buzzing and vibrating strangely.

ADW said...

Whatever you do, don't ask your "just as drunk as you are friends" if you should take "that one over there home with you." By this point in the night, everyone's judgement is a wee bit impaired.

zen wizard said...

I am still trying to figure out what job--outside of Aryan Nation Survivalist Compounds in the Pacific Northwest--that you get a "big brother" at.

And as faulted as Dr. Neil Clark Warren's methods might be, I it sounds like your batting average might be closer to the Mendoza Line if you deferred to HIS advice.

Michael5000 said...

Dr. Ken, I bet you could have figured 1, 2, and 4 out all by yourself. Number 3 is a reasonable equation, but you can save yourself a lot of trouble by restating it as "Always think the sister that you are dating is the prettiest one."

Catherinette Singleton said...

Wrap it before you tap it.

classyandfancy said...

My dad told me to never refuse money.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Blondie: Great advice! I need to find more girls who subscribe to that philosophy.

Scary: Yeah, I need to abandon that theory.

Mighty: Yes, Carnie is that fat one who had the stomach staple. She's destined to choke on a ham sandwich like Momma Cass. There's just no avoiding it.

Corky: That would be double trouble, I believe, but I've never tried it. My mom reads this sometimes, dude. Don't get me in trouble!

Steph: Hahahha! I don't hear that question, but sometimes I hear, did you just poke at my lung with it? Sometimes I hear that.

Law: How horny are you when you take you dilly on a trip? My kind of gal!

adw: Good point. That's why you need the sober person out with you. I will say that's the one good thing about being the sober guy. It's like you have super powers of perception!!

Zen: Ouch! Yeah, I do need some advice here. Any. Frigging neighbor girls are killing me. I'm so buried in the friend zone now. There's just no way out.

Michael: You're right! Mind over matter! That's why Carnie would always say to herself, "I AM the pretty one . . ."

Caherine: Yes! Does that mean put on a jimmy hat? Didn't Bell Biv Devoe once say, "I need a body bag?"

Classy: Sound advice. That's why I didn't say no when T-Mobile invited me to the Blind Melon concert tomorrow. Thank you, Mr. Classy!

Diesel said...

This is like Chicken Soup for the F*cked Up Soul.

Betty Boob Hug said...

my rule that YOU have just taught me, "Don't name your daughter Carnie"

another rule that I have had pointed out to me via a friend's email:

when you dance with your hands above your head in a nightclub you think it looks sexy but it doesn't. It truly doesn't.

Betty Boob Hug said...

hahahah to Steph. that is most certainly a rule worth listening to.

Mood Indigo said...

If you're taken a poop in the great outdoors - avoid the shiny three-point leaves with the red tips.

BottleBlonde said...

Great post, Doc. Your big brother is a present day Confucius.

Lesson I've learned: never ask a man if he has a midget in his pants (even if you're joking). He won't take it as a joke. As a matter of fact, he just may cry.

5 of 9er said...

Suck a wise man... for a dumb ass. :)

Airam said...

Can the words "girl" and "sisters" be replaced with "boy" and "brothers"?

RevRee said...

Life Lesson #1

Masturbation and or Sex is a cure for menstrual cramps.

Trust me, it works...

Mr. Shife said...

Great advice from the big brother. I can only offer this - A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Those are some profound observations.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Diesel: Great comment, sir. My comments are good on your page too, but I never win your damn caption contest. Maybe my captions are too perverted . . .

Boob: No specific dancing move is unsexy, but bad dancing in general is unappealing to be sure.

Bottle: I don't know, midgets aren't big compared to other humans, but if a penis literally the size of a midget would be ungodly huge-style.

Niner: I'm sure you meant "such a wise man," but "suck a wise man" may have been some advice of your own.

Airam: Absolutely. Same principal. Has that happened to you?

Revree: The doctor is in session, and ready to cure everyone's cramps.

Shife: I suppose you're right. Probably smells a lot like asshole.

Anon: Who 'dis? Thanks for coming by though! : )

~Miss Smack said...

how cool to have an adopted big brother like that. My life lesson... hmmm, always put the flat ingredients on a toastie machine first.

- never ever put out for the first date
- if he kisses like your nanna, don't screw him
- always have a freshly smelling vadge if you expect him to dine at Cafe Minge
xx

Drunken Chud said...

always ask permission before putting it in her butt. unless it's hate sex, then pound away.

when on a date, never get more drunk than the girl, you may have to fight, fuck, or get the hell outta there. plus, you're just not as smooth as you think you are when bombed.

never have sex with a girl who weighs more than you.

never go down on a fat girl unless she's FRESHLY showered.

if she lives alone, put the toilet seat down, if she has a cat, put the lid down. women are crazy about that shit.

if you shit your pants, work it into a blog post. it's no fun if you don't share it with the rest of the class.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: When a girl kiss like MY Nanna, I fuck the shit out of her, and make Nanna watch. Jesus, that was gross! Well, that's what my responses are like after I've already published another blog, because I know so few people look.

Chud: Hahhahaha! Was that last one directed towards Cherry Ride? We'll never let him live that down . . .

Drunken Chud said...

actually no, it's a mantra i live by. heh.

Eve said...

Damn, I was going to say the post-drinking pot smoking thing.

For women: always pee after sex. It helps avoid utis.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: Good mantra. Stories like that demand to be shared with mankind.

Eve: For guys, you have to wait a bit to pee until you're completely flacid, or it's tough. Also, make sure you direct it real good, because it may spray into two streams, going all over a girl's bowl and floor.