Saturday, November 10, 2007

El Conquistador

I was talking with a female friend of mine who said that after her extremely emotional break up, which I don't think she's entirely over (but who ever is?), she never had a trampage period. If you don't know what that is, and don't worry if you don't, because I didn't either, this is an episode when a gal sleeps with numerous men, not at the same time necessarily, but essentially, to get over her ex she goes through men like she goes through scrunchies. Wait, scrunchies? Girl don't even use those anymore do they? I once had a girlfriend with whom I shared a car, and she'd leave her scrunchie wrapped around the gear-shift thing. It looked not-so-manly to drive around with a gear-shift adorned with a woman's hair accessory, but I just left it there to avoid getting in a fight somehow, even though I wasn't even sure if moving it anywhere, which means I would lose it, would, in fact, get me in a fight. Could that be a metaphor for our whole relationship, or just a really useless tangent leading us astray from the topic at hand?

Okay, that tangent is over, so stay with me here. The concept of a trampage begs a couple questions:

First the feminist, double-standard question:
Why is it trampy for a woman to get filled out like an application for a few months to get over someone, and a man is just a red-blooded stud getting the poison out? A fair question, and one I don't have the answer to. I could delve into this, but the topic is a little too serious for me, and frankly, I'm not qualified or smart enough to come up with solutions to such a systemic, societal trend. Blogger doesn't pay me to be smart.*

Second, a question that is even less fair to a segment of the population than the last quesion:
Why can't I meet more trampaging women? Okay, the segment I just mentioned is just me, but I'm right when I say it's not fair! I guess I may have come across a few, but never have I been told explicitly I was being used to get over someone. This happened to a friend of mine though, on New Year's Eve a few years back. He and I lived together at the time, and we were having a party at a bar across the street from our house. By the way, it was my favorite New Years ever, and probably among my friend's favorites, as you'll gather in a minute, because there were like one-hundred people there, and so many of them were great people who we invited. Anyway, because this bar was so close to our place, we had pre and post-partying there, and many folks left their coats in my buddy's room, a fact that will be significant in a second. So, My Buddy* is hitting it off with a gal, they duck out, go back to our place before the post-party starts, and he gives her a good rogering in his bedroom, on top of roughly 30, winter coats. At some point she actually told him that she was coming off a bad breakup, and to get over it, she'd be down for getting freaky, even it were on top of a combination of wool, leather, polyester, and maybe even GORE-TEX.**

Lastly, the question on the other side of the Trampaging Coin:
What term do we assign to the male equivalent?
I've given this some thought. Actually, I just blurted it out when the question was posed to me, but I think it's a term with some staying power. Because a man sometimes needs a series of sexual conquests to move on, and because the term implies a latin-lover-type mentality, the term for a man in this period of his life that I'm leaving for posterity, here at the gancer, is Conquistador.

Okay, now it's your turn:
Tell us a Little Miss Trampage or El Conquistador story

*They don't pay me to be funny either. The pricks.

**Every time I typed My Buddy, I couldn't help think of the doll My Buddy advertised on television when I was growing up. It didn't seem tangent worthy, so I've footnoted it, and you can learn more about it here.

***My friend, I'm done saying my buddy, later told me that during "the act" she said, "I love parties!"

****In the above text, you will not find a fourth asterisk, which incidentally, took me forever to figure out how to spell (see earlier where I said I'm not that bright), but special thanks goes to fellow blogger Mysterygirl, who, despite never fully trampaging herself, proved to be a valuable person to network with on this topic.


Mighty Dyckerson said...

One time in college I had four asterisks in one night. God bless the college poon.

Drunken Chud said...

i have never had a conquistador period. i had a manwhore period, but that was from 19-24, and it wasn't to get over a break up. it was because i looked damn good, and the bitches wanted some chudlovin. HOWEVER, i have been used during trampage periods. not only have i known, i've even been the one to proposition it on a couple occaisions. as a matter of fact, for a while, for about 4 or 5 girls, i was their trampage go to guy. they'd get dumped, or hurt, or whatnot, and boom, whose phone is wringing? this guy's. the worst part about that, afterwards, they wanted to talk about the other guy and sometimes cry. the advantage there was that we were still naked, still horny, and in some cases can use their tears for lube. ok, that was uncalled for, but it was a thought that came to me during one of these times when we were going for round two and she started crying, i went to stop and she, still sobbing and crying, tells me not to stop and to "fuck the pain away". well, in order to do that, i figured i'd need to out last the energizer bunny, and proceeded to thing of funny shit so i could ignore the crying vaginal muscle spasms that felt OH SO GOOD on cock. when i was going at it for a while and she had stopped crying, i had noticed i need to finish her soon cuz we were gettin some dryness, then i thought about the tears for lube, and busted up laughing which made her laugh unknowingly which caused more spasms down there which caused big sex explosions. i told her later why i laughed and she had a good chuckle out of it. it became a running joke. wow, i just wrote a novel in your comments.

Airam said...

I became something of a recluse after my ex and I broke up. So I don't fit your description at all. I like to think I'm trampy now. But sadly that's not the case.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Dyk: That's not a bad night's work for a monkey in a clown suit.

Chud: Can I go on record and just say that I have the finest assortment of people on my blogroll, ever. Chudly, as long as you keep writing stuff that awesome, you're welcome to comment as many "novels" as you like around these parts.

Airam: It's never too late to get your tramp on, and when you do, let Mighty, Chuud, and/or myself know.

Grad School Reject said...

I have never had a "conquistador" period (though the name is solid fucking gold - well done sir), and this largely due to my life as a serial monogamist. The only up side to the serial monogamy is having consistent/dependable sex for 10 straight years. I choose to see that as the glass being half full.

phishez_rule said...

Well, I'm not trying to get over anyone. I haven't had a bad break up. But I'm on a trampage.

Just for the hell of it.

Steph said...

I must be weird cos I do the opposite. I consider lesbianism and swear off men for about a year!

Casey said...

I had a coquistador phase once. I burned all my ships and fucked the local population.

One of them was a woman me and a friend had kept running into. Because of her size, home made old lady clothes, and middle aged woman smelly oil perfume, and overall resemblance to, we called her The Big Couch. We went over to her house on night and I won the toss, so I got firsties. Unfortunately, we were so fucked up, it ended up being nonesies, but I didn't leave her completely without satisfaction. The next morning, I plugged her toilet with an enormous steak and whiskey rhinocerous poo.

Cortez would be proud.

Sassy Blondie said...

I can't say I've ever had a trampaging period in my life...I did have a long bout of self-imposed celibacy though. Either way, you're fucked, no?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Grad: Way to be positive! You really can't argue with consistent sex for 10 consecutive years.

Phishez: Kudos to you, Phishez, because you are the only gal so far to admit to trampaging. Not only that, you're doing it just for the hell of it. Big ups to Phishez!! : )

Steph: If you ever SERIOUSLY consider lesbianism, can you post some videos?

Casey: That is some serious Cortez shit!!! Hahahhahaha! I heard Pizarro took a similar dump like that in Machu Picchu.

Sassy: Well, I would argue that only during trampaging are you "fucked." During a Morrissey like celibacy period you're only brooding. Those periods are not without a charm all their own. If you ever need a depressing playlist, I'm on it.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Yeah...a bad breakup, that's my excuse....sure...uh huh. Funny, I just thought I was a little slutty.

I have to agree with grad school reject, ""conquistador" solid fucking gold.

RevRee said...

Once I worked as an asst manager of a hotel. A super hot guest invited me up to his room. I kinda sorta gave him a bj...

Does this make me a tramp?

Miss Britt said...

I never heard anyone but me use the term Trampage before. LOL

And yes, in my younger days, I got over one man by sleeping with many. And of course ended up feeling used and discarded as a result.

Ah, the delicate female ego.

classyandfancy said...

My Buddy and Kid Sister creeped me out, but that jingle was sure catchy.

I guess you could say I had a mini-trampage period, meaning that I slept with numerous midgets over a few months span to get over my phobia of My Buddy.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Charming: You and Phishez seem to not need an excuse to Trampage. The two of you could do some DAMAGE.

Rev: That just makes you a very gracious hotel manager. That's great customer service. Was the client Kobe Bryant?

Britt: Don't feel used and discarded! You should feel empowered! A Conquistadette!

Classy: Okay, that's the best comment I've gotten in a while. Did it work? Are you over it?

Anonymous said...

I've never had a trampage period, dang and bootskooting hell - but I did once watch a documentary on the practices of a tribe in some scary jungle place - when the husband dies, the woman (no matter how old and wrinkly she may be) sticks her bottom through a hole in the fence and all the young men in the tribe come alone and poke her hole.
it's a good way to get over somebody don't you think?

Eve said...

Thanks for getting the My Buddy song in my head. What about Kid Sister?

I've never trampaged. Like Steph, I consider lesbianism and swear off all sexual relations, mainly due to the disgust I feel at having slept with the guy I just broke up with.

zen wizard said...

I wish there was a trampage bar, that women went to. Because trampage sex is the best sex ever! They are humping you like Secretariat on Spanish fly to "get revenge" against their ex!

For males, I think the process should be called, "Re-'nadifying."

The last woman took your 'nadz, and you are re-'nadifying your 'nadz by proving that you still have the 'nadz to pick up another chick.

And with the trampage chick, you never make it to the whiny/ball-busty/why-do-you-drive-a-'91-Crown Victoria-phase.

So when a trampage chick meets a re-'nadifying dude, that is true love for 48 hours, just like Cupid intended it.

(Call me an incurable romantic...)

5 of 9er said...

Why can't I meat more trampaging women?... maybe because you think of them as MEAT... instead of wanting to MEET them.

I hated Kid Sister more than My Buddy.

So@24 said...

Thought you'd enjoy this ego boost.

I have my coworker hooked on your blog. And I'm not exaggerating when I tell you she's spent the last 3 days reading every single entry/sending me highlights via AIM.

Thought you should know.

Scary Monster said...

Nobody told me that you could be a conquistador for just a part of yer life. Now me gonna hafta find some other role model to emulate.


Laughing through my chardonnay said...

A trampage, a slut-fest, a penis expidition, whatever you want to call it almost all women go through one. Usually this time period after a traumatic break up comes hand in hand with excessive drinking and a quest to get down to one's "hey baby weight" (the weight that one must reach in order to have gross men and construction workers say "hey baby" as one walks by).

This is not an especially pleasant time in one's life seeing as most of the men she sleeps with are usually of the slump buster caliber. Ouch, sorry if that offended anyone.

Sorry that I keep referring to someone as "one", not only is that pretentious but it is also highly annoying.

But to answer your question, gancer, yes I have gone on a trampede and I have the double digit numbers to prove it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Betty: Some tribe uses a "glory hole" for their widows? I would think that's the last thing a 70-year-old widow would want at that time, but if it's for the good of the tribe . . .

Eve: Yes. I've stuck that shit jingle in ALL your heads!!!

Niner: Kid Sister was such an afterthought.

So@24: I'm glad your coworker enjoys it, but I'm sorry she's bothering you at work with my warped rants.

Scary: For your next phase I think you should be a Monster French Maid.

Laughing: Trampede!!?!?! Wow. A new term surfaces. Double digits lifetime, or just during one trampede?

Mr. Shife said...

Do I get doctor-patient confidentiality? Actually my entire collegiate experience was about being a Conquistador. I didn't lose my V card until after high school, and I could not get enough of the one-night stand. I went deep and hard until I met my wife, and then I only wanted to be with her.

non-Blondie said...

I kind of sort of did the worst kind of trampage - the 'his friends' trampage. Just once. I think if I got dumped now, I'd just go the accidental celibacy and crying my lonely self to sleep way.

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

I'm pleading the 5th.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You said "meat." Ha Ha.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: You have to get that stuff out of your system. Now you can, in good conscious, settle into Idaho with your lovely wife. The Shife Wife!

Blonde: Wow. That's evil. You worked your way through his friends? Don't worry, you're still my homegirl, but yikes.

Comment Deleted: Thanks for coming by and deleting stuff.

Law: You WOULD plead the 5th, being a lawyer and all. Some day I'd like to hear the tales, off the record, of course.

Cherry: How can I spell meet, like a meat that you eat? Sheet, I spelled meet like the meat that you eat!!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner and Cherry: I just went back and fixed that typo, or dumbo, or whatever you want to call it. Where would I be w/out my LC boyz to edit me?

radioactive girl said...

I love the term trampage. What an accurate description!

Now I'm probably going to have some crazy dream tonight about My Buddy and trampage sex...thanks a lot for that awful image!

classyandfancy said...

No, it didn't work because I kept envisioning My Buddy while doing the deed. Damn those overalls! I've been seeking out Midget Mac from I Love New York 2 to put an end to it all, but he hasn't returned my phone calls.

non-Blondie said...

It was totally an accident, not like premeditated evil revenge. They all kinda wanted me anyway, mainly because he was none too discreet about our private lives. Ass.
Anyways, long story short, I'm still great friends with them all and he barely sees them anymore. I WON THE FRIENDS!

captain corky said...

I dated two Puerto Rican chicks in one week once. Both were really hot. The first date went well. She cooked me dinner and I got to meet her family. It was a very nice night.

Later in the week I took the other girl out to dinner and then we went back to my house and she showed me how she masturbated in my bathtub. What a body! I wound up dating the second girl for about 4 or 5 months. My mind was to fragile to handle dating both of them, and sex had NOTHING to do with my decsiosn to date the second girl.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radioactive: Thanks for coming by. Trampaging with My Buddy would be hot. I'm sure he'd be appreciative.

Classy: Wait, there was a midget on that show? Was he one of the contestants? Was it Bushwick Bill from The Geto Boys? I miss Bushwick . . .

Non-Blond: It sounds to me like he made the tragic flaw of peeking his friends' curiosity with tales of Non-Blond's freakiness. What, specifically, did you say they heard about you?

Corky: Wow. I was not expecting talk of banging two different Puerto Rican phillies at the same time from Corky. You are the man, and you are indeed ready to settle down with your family with things like that under your belt. I tip my cap to you, sir.

BottleBlonde said...

Like most of the women here, I've never been Little Miss Trampage. I turn into the Unibomber after a break up.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Bottle: Don't lie. You become the Unifucker! You go around in a sweat-shirt, and bring guys home to a 10 by 10 living space, and write manifestos about it.