Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Door #1 or Door #2?

1. Elsa the Hungarian Pharmacist:

I met her a couple of weekends ago at a 4 a.m. bar in which I was way too old to be at; I was like the chaperon, seriously. Just when I'm thinking it's time to get a slice of pizza and an orange soda* and take my old ass home, a blond walks in, and she "makes eyes at me."** A little while later, the two of us are doing a barroom, make-out deal, another thing I'm way too old for. We have since exchanged text messages and calls, but it took a while for us to connect. When we finally did talk, I found her to be a lot of fun, and she has a great laugh. We plan on meeting up tomorrow (Thursday).

Pluses:
1. Fun.
2. Cute accent.
3. Might be a potential hook-up for copious drugs. Only kidding! Seriously, positive factor number three has been saying Elsa the Hungarian Pharmacist for the last couple of weeks.

Minuses:
1. I know almost nothing about her.
2. The bar was dark and I was drunk, so she might not be as pretty as I thought she was.
3. Ladies I have met under similar circumstances have not been of much substance, except for Classy.

2. Asian Med-Student Neighbor:

She's a beautiful woman, there are no two ways about it, and everyone who meets her thinks so. We have these amazing conversations when we're one-on-one, yet it's somewhat strained when we're in a crowd. There was one night where it looked like something was going to go down between us, but she flaked. Then another night we're out with a bunch of people, the two of us are talking in a room of the bar away from our friends, and we're agreeing about how great our talks have been. Moments later, when I really should have been kissing her, I find myself talking with some Russian guy in a Cannibal Corpse t-shirt, discussing the merits of their seminal, 1990 LP Butchered at Birth.***

A few days ago she calls me, surprising as it may be after choosing a death metal discussion over her, to ask if I have any Bed Bath and Beyond coupons, which I, of course, didn't. But moments later I found myself going linen/bedding shopping with her. Good sign, right? By the end of the trip we had made plans to go Christmas shopping at Macy's together. Great sign, yes? However, knowing me, I will build up the Christmas party at her house this Saturday as the end-all-be-all moment to make a move. After chickening out, or watching her hook back up with the hand doctor or some other doctor, I'll go upstairs to my apartment, listen to Love Hurts by Nazareth, cry into my keyboard, and then be my own hand doctor.

Pluses:
1. Butterflies. I get honest-to-God butterflies.
2. She's intelligent and a good conversationalist.
3. Fun to be with. I could have sniffed candles in that shop with her until they kicked us out.

Minuses:
1. Seems to have a taste for the finer things in life, and I shop at Aldi and wear gym shorts when I run out of boxers. The thread counts of the bedding seemed a chief concern, and I really didn't know that was a big deal, nor did I know how to spell duvet until Monday.
2. Dating the neighbor could be awkward, and the inevitable post-relationship run-ins would be even weirder. Also, between her 3 roomies and my 4, we have SEVEN roommates. Would we ever be alone together? Also, if things get weird between she and I, would I mess up having four, cute med-students to hang out with?
3. Why do she and I only hit it off one-on-one? Something is screwy about that, right?

I'm surely going to take a crack at both and see where my heart leads me, which will sort a lot of these things out, but I'd welcome some preliminary input, seven readers. All I know is I better enjoy this two girl "problem" while it lasts, because given the feast or famine nature of my love-life, the next two months could have me feeling like The Loneliest Leper TV series starring Scott Bakula.

*You can't beat that combination at Chicago's Pizza.
**Who says that? Nobody else at that bar, that's who. Thus proving I was too old to be in there.
***I've actually never heard that record, or any of their other work for more than a growling minute, but I know all their album titles and what the covers look like. Fucked With a Knife is one of their ditties . . .

35 comments:

Airam said...
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The Charming Hedonist said...

"I better enjoy this two girl 'problem' while it lasts"

TWO girl problem?! What about me? I thought I was special.

Now I just feel used.

non-Blondie said...

Good luck! Don't overthink these things k - leave that up to girls. Also...that thing with you and the Asian med student only really clicking one-on-one...is it because (unconsciously) you both act differently around your mutual friends, therefore struggle to get the 'vibe' right between yourselves in a group situation (yes I hate myself for using the v word). I know I'm always a lot more 'pally' etc with my boyfriends/boys I like when there are other people around. It's kind of a psychological thing - you dont want people to think you're acting or being fake, but your demeanour/personality does tend to change around different people, so in this case you're going with perception that the majority of people have of you. Does this make sense? Only to me!

ADW said...

No, bad Gancer. *Smacking your bottom* You know better than to get suckered in by the neighbor again. She is using you as her shopping buddy. Trust me.

Eastern European women are hawt.

You won't listen to me anyway, so go for the gold with both of them.

Sigh.

The [Cherry] Ride said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Grad School Reject said...

Let me get this straight: On the one-hand there is a hot Hungarian pharmacist (beer goggles be damned!), and on the other hand there is a hot Asian med-student?

Is there any way for you to...um...put those hands together? Cause if you do I will tell tale of your legend for many years to come.

Jenni said...

First of all, darkness in a bar is the perfect place to hide a unibrow...Don't ask me why this is pertinent, and I know it makes no sense, but I think it's because when I hear "Hungarian" the image that immediately comes to mind is "unibrow." And not the small kind either, I'm talking Frida Fucking Kahlo here. (And YES, I know Frida is not Hungarian...Hey, like I already said, it makes no sense)

Secondly, you could be uncomfortable in group settings with this girl because you're scared that someone else will catch you staring at her boobs...Then you'll be busted...And quite frankly, no one likes to be busted.

youbanks said...

Didn't Canibal Corpse have a song or album called scattered brains, splattered remains?

Rock the party, but act like you've got other parties to go to that night.

Don't put the p*ssy on a pedestal!

Laughing through my chardonnay said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sassy Blondie said...

Sounds like a win-win, Dr. Ken. Just make sure you man up so that Asian med student doesn't think you are only interested in duvets and shopping. ;)

classyandfancy said...

Dr. Ken, you met me under similar circumstances as in we had a barroom makeout session? I can remember telling you that you had a boner & that no spit was swapped! For shame for shame!

Scary Monster said...

The eastern block or the far east. Ahh the choices one gots to make when the Horndog is haunting you.

You went candle sniffing with a chick? She gonna LJBF ya.


STOMP.

zen wizard said...

"Juggle the two to keep one of them," a wise sage once said.

Actually, I just made it up, but I didn't think you would take advice from someone who has not had a relationship in 5 years.

But the point is, sounds like with Asian pre-med especially, the second you start acting all possessive like "THE BOYFRIEND," you will lose her 'cause she's danglin' on the hook already.

On the flip side, you don't go with someone to Bed, Bath, and Beyond unless you want to get to bed with them and get beyond the obstacles to said activity.

I mean, if she had asked you to go with her to Acme Feed & Trucking, we might be looking at a mixed message right there. A hardware store would have also been a problem, because that means she just wants you to be her grunt/indentured servant.

But looking at sheets and linens of various "thread counts" (whatever the hell that means) is a good sign.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'd go with the barfly. Just make sure you're always drunk from now on.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

Dude, that Asian med-student is so not quality.

And at least I know why you haven't been texting me lately. I'm perfectly content to take 2nd place to a Hungarian pharmacist.

However, I'm really hurt you don't consider me someone of "substance"--we did meet in a bar after all.

Michael5000 said...

Those are good doors. Leave 'em both open, and just hang out in the foyer for a while.

So@24 said...

I'm pretty excited for all the blogging potential to come from this.

"Honest to God butterflies" is probably the best sign you can get, I feel. Ahhh, I remember what those were like!

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Take a chance Gancer and go for the med student. It makes perfect sense that things work one on one. There's chemistry and you feel nervous around one another and sometimes its weird to put that dynamic into a group thing. Oh I just saw that non-blondie said it all better so I'll just shut the hell up now.

Steph said...

You are studdly Dr Ken. Roll with it, date both and see who floats your boat the best.

Betty said...

It must be so nice to have a choice!

Good luck :)

Kadonkadonk said...

While I am sure you would love it if your first date with the 'chosen' one led to sex, why does it have to be so final? I don't think there is anything wrong with dating both of them as long as you are honest about it and not sleeping with either of them. Get to know them better. Or at the very least, don't worry about it so much until you've met the pharmacist at least once sober. That said, butterflies are rare - don't waste them...

BottleBlonde said...

Dip your knob in both of 'em. End of story.

P.S. What is it with you and Asian chicks? My great aunt on my mom's side of the family is Chinese. Like, literally from China. My great uncled passed away last year so she's single. I hope you like 70-something year old Asian chicks.

BottleBlonde said...

P.S. I thought I was the only one who LOVED that 80s song, I Saw You Walking in the Rain! Stellar song choice, Doc!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Airam: The drugs are a plus. She had to work late the other night because it was "narcotics night."

Charming: Don't be like that. I'd like to count all my female blog friends as candidates, because they're all so damned smart and funny, but they all live so far, far away.

Blondie: Makes perfect sense, as always, you overqualified secretary you. So smart. I'll say it again, everyone, read this chick's page.

ADW: Shopping buddy, huh? That's not a role I'm comfortable with, nor am I qualified. However, if I get to try out the lines . . .

Cherry: The Cherry has spoken. My homeboy wouldn't lie to me.

Jenni: A unibrow? Please don't scare me like that. That is a deal-breaker. I'd sooner date a girl with no legs. Actually . . .

Youbanks: Everyone, this is the BFF and/or HSLP I'm always talking about. Okay, Youbanks, we go in there with a game plan. We riff off each other, set each other up with good jokes, we're the hit of the party, but we plant the seed early that we have somewhere else to be. Fool proof.

Laughing: So, shag them both and down a bunch of prozac? You're a genius!

Sassy: The Gancer is into a lot of things, but duvets and shopping trips are not among them.

Classy: I guess I just met you in a bar is all. And for the record, everyone, I didn't have a boner. She just said that to stop dancing with me, because I was so charming and she had a boyfriend. That or I had a boner.

Scary: Candle sniffing is a good time. Let's hope I'm sniffing something else tonight, if you know what I mean. Woooo-hooo! That was gross. I'm sorry.

Zen: Y are you so awesome? I take the shopping excursion as a good sign too, and all these naysayers can piss up a rope. I listen to Zen Wizard, because he is my guru of awesomeness.

Mighty: I don't see that being a problem. Thanks!

Carrie: I suppose we did. We also shared tamales and played the game of Life. You are of substance, but, as a said earlier, I don't put blogger girls in the running, because although they're awesome, they might as well be living in Gotham City.

Michael: Good metaphor. My readers drop metaphors up in this piece.

So24: Yes, but you're not looking for the butterflies in your situation. You are looking for the stumbling.

Bottle: I don't think I'm ready for the 70-year-old, but I do appreciate the offer. Is she hot?

Oran Juice Jones is my boy. I do the monologue karaoke to rave reviews, and by rave reviews I mean the 3 people in my living room like it.



Miss: She did say it better, but I commend you for commenting on the current post, rather than the one just prior, so I find it a week later. How is your love life, BTW?

Steph: You're right! Thanks for the confidence booster.

Betty: I keep forgetting who you are without the boobhug moniker.

Kadonk: All valid points. Sober pharmacist date is the key to the whole thing . . .

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Gancer, I'm touched by the inquiry. For the record, my love life sucks. But my horoscope (an infallible source of wisdom) says that's all going to change! Of course, there's really nowhere to go but up, so horoscope can't be wrong this time. I'm sure my new Mr. Wrong is right around the corner.

Drunken Chud said...

seriously, like may 20somethingth i'll be down there, i'll give you an honest report on hot asian neighbor. heh.

zen wizard said...

The Bed, Bath, & Beyond-thing was truly a "schwing"-moment.

But like gambling in Vegas and getting a 13 in Blackjack, they key is how we play it...

I still say, string both of them along a little.

Preemptive strike--take the Hungarian to a place where you know the Pre-med might be, and be really evasive when she asks you what your relationship is. (And yes, she will ASK.)

E.g.--

Pre-med--"Who was that woman you brought to my party?"

Gancer--"Oh, just some chick I met..."

(Trailing the sentence off at the end..."shrug" optional...)

Then change the subject.

The point is that you are meeting so many chicks, that she is just another chick that you met and not that big of a deal--or, stated colloquially, you are the Pimp of the Universe.

Sassy Blondie said...

So many women...so little time, eh? Good luck! Either way, you get something to like out of the whole deal, right?

RevRee said...

I really like the picture of the Dirty Doctor and Naughty Nurse...

elyse the portuguese said...

"After chickening out, or watching her hook back up with the hand doctor or some other doctor, I'll go upstairs to my apartment, listen to Love Hurts by Nazareth, cry into my keyboard, and then be my own hand doctor."

toooo funny.
I'm in a similar situation. I've narrowed it down to one but now im all confused about him so I suppose I cannot be of much help to your situation. However, the minuses for Zita are far easier to correct than those of the neighbor.

Diesel said...

I'm so glad I'm married.

Mr. Shife said...

Well this may have been mentioned in a previous comment but I am too lazy to go through each one since there are 31 of them, but I think you need to do the respectable thing and have a three-way. Then you will know who is better in bed, and that is all us guys care about anyway, right?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Law: Don't fret. You'll meet that future ex-husband real soon!

Chud: I expect a full report on all my candidates. I'd do the same for you.

Zen: As predicted, I didn't play it so smoothly. However, she's not a nice girl, so she's very wrong for me.

Sassy: One is out of the question, but I kind of like another one of the roomies now. Pharma rescheduled for this Wed, so we'll see how it goes. Why did Jenny have to say that thing about the unibrow . . .

Elyse: As I told you on your blog, that dude's into you. He's just a chicken. Make the first move.

Rev: That picture came from a dilly shop advertisement.

Diesel: Yeah, it's getting about that time to settle down. I can't take too much more of this. When I meet a chick cool enough to help judge the caption contests on my blog, then I'll be closer to being ready to take the plunge.

Shife: That would really be something. I think Shife in his college days would have pulled that off . . .

Samantha_K said...

Orange soda is also my drink of choice with pizza. Hmm...maybe you should ditch hottie med student and the foreign chick and hook up with me and my deflated kid-boobs. Tempting, yes?

Seriously, good luck with the ladies, and I'm rooting for the med student. Although I'm concerned with the one-on-one ease, but the awkwardness in a group...hmmm...I will think on this and get back to you.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Samantha: You can't beat that combo, right? It's a no-brainer. I think both gals a no-go, so maybe you and I will go halfsies on a sixer of orange soda some day.