Monday, December 03, 2007

Gancer VS Gancer: Not a Big Pay-Per-View Draw, But Interesting Nonetheless

I was straining, struggling, and damn-near sharting* my way through a set of a mere 50 push-ups, that quite sadly, had to be broken up into two sets of twenty-five, and it occurred to me that in high school I could do 50 straight without a problem. I used to be late to gym class daily, opt for doing push-ups rather than receiving a detention, and I'd bang them out like Mitch Gaylord. Um, perhaps a metaphor with the words bang and Mitch Gaylord was not a well-thought-out simile. Anyway, my next thought was, and who the hell else would think this(?), but I wondered if High School Gancer could kick Modern-Day Gancer's ass?

Let's go to the tale of the tape . . .

In this corner, at 6'1", and weighing in at 175 pounds, a skinny, pimply, two-sport athlete**, wall-flower in a flannel shirt with a professional fighting record of 0-0-0. 0-0-1 if you count the times, and I don't see how you can't, when his older sister held him down and tickled him until he couldn't breathe as a collective loss. He has crippling shyness and social awkwardness, but if there's heavy metal music playing by the likes of Suicidal Tendencies or Pantera, his heightened suburban, white-boy teen-angst may give him a slight edge. He also boasts a maximum bench press of 205 pounds.

In this corner, at 6'2", and weighing in at 195 pounds, a 30-year-old frustrated writer who drinks more days out of the week than he exercises, except in the summer when he bikes a lot, or if he has more than 2 sports leagues going at a time, which is rare.*** Again, a professional record of 0-0-1. However, maybe both should have records of 0-0-2, since she used to, again, while pinning me down with her knees, spit hanging loogies, and then suck them back up at the last minute, sometimes waiting, alas, too long. The edge would go to the kid in a long fight, since 30-year-old Gancer would surely get winded, but confidence and poise has to go towards the veteran. However, as savvy and cunning as he may be, although his maximum bench press has not been put to the test in many moons, it probably falls at around the 135 pound mark. This number is not arbitrarily chosen, since any less would mean not being able to use the big-boy plates, and the veteran's pride would lead him to risk serious injury and/or days of soreness rather than get out the wussy plates.****

Overall, if I were a betting man, I'd lay money down on the Modern-Day Gancer. What do you think? How about yourself? Could you kick your own ass even when you were in better shape?

*Sorry, Cherry. I swear that's the last time I reference your shart.
**Not at one time, mind you. One sport, basketball, came during my freshman year and the other one, track, came during my senior year, just to break the monotony.
***Then again, I usually go out for drinks after games, so it kind of cancels out.
****Did Ronny steal my jumpsuit?


The Charming Hedonist said...

My freshman-year-of-college-Hedonist would kick my current ass. She played volleyball, kickboxed, ran and climbed 50 flights of stairs a day. The current Hedonist drinks too much and swims, but only during the summer (the swimming, not the drinking). Ah, college.

? said...

I think the high school Gancer would win. The 30 year old Gancer is too busy chasing poon a la Beijing to fight the young Gancer.

So@24 said...

My money's on Present Day.

You're a drinker now. And with enough of that good stuff in you, I'm sure you'll turn surly. Surly = mean = bad ass.

It'd definitely turn you into a fighter. It may not be clean, but it's a fight nonetheless.

Drunken Chud said...

much like hedonist, i'd opt for my post high school self. my freshman year me, 6'3 weighing in at 235 lbs, a working horseman, that was always the bottom when doing hay which means heaving 50lb bales up over your head to a platform 6 feet over your head about 2 thousand times.

then, present day, turning 29 chud: 6'3 370 lbs, who can down between 2 and 3 gallons of beer in a single sitting, with a couple of shots thrown in, and who gets winded with more than one single flight of stairs.

it's a tough call. endurance wise modern day chud would be fucked. strength wise the amount of weight i can put behind my shots now is amazing compared to ye olde timey chud. i don't know, i have more fighting experience now than i did back then, but, i think i've slowed a touch. so, who knows.

Airam said...

Oh I could so kick my old self's ass. And I would too if I could go back.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Hard to tell. You both seem so gay, one Barbra Streisand sighting would send you both to the mat.

Zen Wizard said...

I would go with Modern-Day--

"Age, Trechery, and Twenty Pounds of Punch-Absorbing Beer Gut" will beat "Youth, Talent, and Wide-Eyed Optimism" any day of the week!

Sassy Blondie said...

I really like this post, Dr. Ken! In considering it all, I would say that the younger Sassy would have kicked my older, wiser version hands down. I played a lot of volleyball and basketball, worked out twice a day, and could run the college stadium steps in good time without keeling over.

I think you might have to go with the younger Gancer, however. Although at 30, your best years certainly aren't behind you! :)

Rock Hammer said...

I will say this first: motivation decides every real fight.

Now, outside of that, I can tell you that, as a bouncer, the worst possible scenario was a guy in his 40s or so starting shit. Some punk kid can be wrestled down and pummeled, but a wrinkled old man will not stop fighting. And they're tough, and they have no problem beating someone else.

Keep in mind this was a country bar, so the 40 year olds getting drunk there are not going to be the pot bellied minivan jockey you see getting bullied by his suburbanite soul sucking wife. That, and these guys were normally veterans with issues. Don't fuck with those guys.

Seeing as how you have spent this long not building a lot of toughness, I don't think you'd be one of those tough guys. But your sister might.

The bout goes to High School Dr. 3/4 of the time.

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Awww! Young Gancer sounds adorable. We probably would have been friends in high school.

The word verification for this was mryevjki, which sounds like the name of a russian gym coach. Appropriate no?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Hedon: Yeah, but current hedonist is pretty handy with a gun.

Bottle: Now, how would "can't pull herself out of a pool" bottle fair against our present-day bottle?

24: Couldn't agree more. Liquid courage.

Chud: That fight would be a real slobber-knocker.

Airam: I'd give past-me a good kick to the groin too.

Dyk: You've seen Babs????

Zen: Yes! Old man strength!

Sassy: You can't run as many stairs, but are you or not you not sassier these days?

Casey: My sister would whip some ass on those barfly guys you speak of.

How do you know I haven't been "building toughness?" Have you built much studying those rocks?

Lawyer: I think we would have been to nerdy to even talk to one another, but now we can be friends! Wait, now we're blogger friends, so we're still kind of nerdy, I suppose.

Drunken Chud said...

slobber-knocker indeed. i know the type of hits i can take now, and the hits i could take back then. seriously, without gloves on, a chud v. chud fight is a literal heavyweight fight, without all the whining and corner men. oooh, you could get gancer v. gancer on the same bill as a the welterweight lead in, OR we could tag team. old ass me, and old ass you vs. our younger selves. i think there would be a lot of drive to save face, and dignity, that we would clean house against our former selves. remember, the most feared opponent is one who has something to lose.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: Old Balls Tag Team would kick so much ass. We'd be like Ax and Smash from Demolition, actually, we'd be more like The Heart Foundation, with myself as Brett "The Hitman" Heart and you as Jim "The Anvil" Neidheart.

Just don't ask me for any wrestling references after 1989 . . .

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'm betting on the Gancer that we all know and love over the scrawny high school one.

And once again, thanks for keeping my sharting legacy alive.

Rock Hammer said...

I built toughness killing people. Then I just built bitterness. Either one could beat youth.

I don't think 18 year old me would be a challenge, 23 year old me would be a death wish.

Zen Wizard said...

If I met the young me, I would probably kick my ass and say, "This is for all the mistakes you are going to make, you stupid bastard!"

Then I would punch me once more for putting the Modern Me in the predicament that I am in...

"Take that, you lazy airhead! Wasting all your money on acting lessons when you should have been studying for the LSAT!! How dare you 'have a dream'!!!"

Anonymous said...

I'm too emotional to fight these days. I'd just do a few air slaps and then break down in sobs.

Pathetic really, but that's the truth.

Brunhilda said...

Hmm. Tough call. High school sequined did four sports a year and ran every day. She was skinny but buff, and since she lettered in the 400, she would easily just run away from modern day sequined.

I think now I'm a little less prissy and thus maybe willing to go full out with a fight. Oh, but now I'm a pussy about knee injuries, too. Hm.

Also, I'd worry about injuring HS-sequined, in case I did something to the time-space continuum and messed up modern day sequined as well. I couldn't handle a broken nose or anything.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: Modern Gancer is kind of buff. What about Modern Gancer VS Paul Poon?

Rock Hammer: Killing people does a lot to a man. I'm glad you don't do it anymore.

Zen: Let me know if you need any help beating the dreams out of Young Zen.

Betty: What's with all the emotions? Don't cry, it's just kicking your own ass . . .

Sequined: Good call on the time/space continuum. I should have mentioned that there was no danger of that in our scenario. What was your 400 time? Under a minute?

RevRee said...

The RevRee of 18 years old could have seriously kicked the 29 year old RevRee of today. Back then I had a black belt in tae kwon do

Michael5000 said...

I think Big Sister could pound the both of you together.

ReckenRoll said...

I have to go with modern Gancer. He wants it more and has something to prove. Young Gancer doesn't know what he doesn't know yet.

But sersiously, can't we all just get along?

TSTuesday said...

I would go with modern day Gancer. Keep in mind you do 12 ounce curls on a daily basis and that is A LOT of excercise.

Young Chard would kick modern day Chard's ass any day. Despite the fact that I workout constatly now the younger Chard was an ODP athlete - not much can beat thatup.

classyandfancy said...

You've motivated me to make a diorama of the gancer vs. lil gancer death match.

Drunken Chud said...

really? i'd think we're more akin to "the rockers", you could be marty janetty and i could be shawn michaels. of course, i really think we'd be a better "british bulldogs" duo. you could be dynamite kid and i could be davey boy smith. however, if you were black, we could have a midget match and i could be hillbilly jim and you could be the junkyard dawg. yeah... i loved that shit back in the day.

Sassy Blondie said...

Why yes, I am much sassier these days (or is it bitchier? who knows?)! Thank you! ;)

phishez said...

I know why you could punch out so many push ups back then.

It doesn't have anything to do with strength. Its more that you were so fucking light back then.

Present day Gancer would win in that fight. You've fart on the little fucker and knock him over.

robkroese said...

I'm pretty sure I'm in the worst shape of my life. Diesel from last Tuesday could kick Today Diesel's ass.

The Charming Hedonist said...


I've given you some lovin' over at my blog.

Have a great week.


Brunhilda said...

Haa, not under a minute, no. It wasn't that incredibly difficult to letter in the 400 in our league. Because no one ever wanted to run it.
But it was still a lot faster than modern-day Sequined can run it (now I'll give myself 2.5 minutes, maybe 2 if I'm being chased).

Scary Monster said...

The Monster that is would run the fuck away from the Monster that been iffin he saw him walkin down the street.


Samantha_K said...

The now me could totally kick then me's ass.
Because I've gone through a lot of crap and developed a mean streak.


RevRee said...

You still alive?

Steph said...

HighSchool Gancer would kick your arse! His reflexes are quicker and he'd have more stamina :P

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jeez, I'm sorry for the absence guys. Here we go with the many comments on comments:

Rev: A black belt? No shit? Can you still break boards with you head and stuff?

Michael: Too true, Michael . . .

Reck: Glad we're in agreement.

Laughing: I'm surprised. I thought modern Chard would throw down.

Classy: How is that diorama coming along?

Chud: Of the three you mentioned, i'd say we're the British, but I still think The Heart Foundation best suits us. Great tag teams though!!

Sassy: That often translates to bitchy, but go with it either way. SASSY!

Phishez: I thought about that, and yeah, I was lighter, but not by enough that push-ups should be this much harder now. Thanks though!

Diesel: Last Tuesday Diesel! That's not bad . . .

Charm: Thanks for the propers!!!

Sequined: It took me until my last meet to get under 1 minute. It's such a hard race, because it's short enough where you basically have to sprint the whole thing, but long enough where sprinting the whole thing will kick your ass.

Scary: Stomp from the past sounds like a tough hombre . . .

Samantha: In a girl fight, the meaner one always wins. I vote for current Samantha too.

Steph: More stamina? Do you mean like in sex? High school gancer knew nothing of sex.