Sunday, December 30, 2007

Broken English Girl

A few weeks ago I met a Thai girl at a bar called, oddly enough, Thai's, and she spent the night at my place. She then stayed over until like 3 o'clock the next day, and she told me, in broken English, the story of her life. She's 28-years-old, she's one of 6 children, her mom died when she was 20, and her dad quickly remarried someone twenty years his junior. I will say, for having not spoken a lick of English when she moved here about a year ago, her English is pretty darn good. When I was driving her home she decided that we should stop at the Thai restaurant she works at. I didn't plan on calling her, so I really shouldn't have agreed to do this, but I'll be damned if it wasn't the best Thai food I ever had, and for only like 6 bucks a plate. I was kind of bummed because I knew I couldn't show my face in there again, but I did recommend it to a lot of people.

I didn't ever call her, but last night I found myself at the same after-hours bar in which I met her, and who should appear but Broken English Girl. We went back to my place again, and this time she stayed until five in the afternoon the next day. She wouldn't let me have sex with her this time around, which was probably a good idea, although it felt like a downright shitty idea at the time, but I did, however, get the best full-body massage of my lifetime. I'm talking, hands, feet, standing up to walk across my back, and best of all, some deal where she sat Indian-style, with my head in her lap, doing something flipping incredible to my temples.*

This time I learned that living in the states opened her eyes to some of the things in Thailand that now seem archaic to her. For example, men typically expect their wives to be virgins when the marry them, they are shunned by all if they cheat, yet the husbands cheat lefty-righty without any judgement. So, when she went back, she was not too thrilled when her ex-boyfriend proposed to her. He didn't like hearing no, so he hit her. Things like this make it hard for me to do an all-too-typical Gancer blow-off/phase out. I certainly don't want to be her boyfriend, but I do want to look out for her, for some reason.

I then agreed to help her move some items from her apartment to the place she's moving into. During this process she couldn't work the keys to get into two separate doors of the new place. That is what I'm talking about when I say I feel some sort of responsibility when it comes to her. She really is a sweet girl. After the moving was done she made a point to get my number, and she left her watch at my apartment, so I am going to be hearing from her. That's alright with me, but I just want to be a friend to her. Do friends lie in bed, listening to Pink Floyd's Obscured By Clouds and massage one anothers naked bodies? God, I hope so in this case.

*No there was no happy ending, before you make a comment like that, but I did educate her on that expression.


Drunken Chud said...

"Do friends lie in bed, listening to Pink Floyd's Obscured By Clouds and massage one anothers naked bodies?"

absolutely. i mean, my friends and i listen to 'endless love' in the dark. so, you're set.

classyandfancy said...

Dude, it's Tai's, but for the sake of the story you may call it Thai's. I also think next time you see her that you play the original of "One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head, and not in a dirty way, but in a "this song absolutely rules" kind of way.

Sassy Blondie said...

You should make it clear to HER that you aren't her boyfriend...I'm just sayin'.

Airam said...

Well if she had to have a one night stand with someone then I guess you were her best bet. I don't know of anyone wanting to be friends after "just sex". You're a good guy.

And Happy New Year!

radioactive girl said...

In high school, I had a 'friend with benefits', and we were just friends with no expectations of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Maybe you should make it clear to her that you don't want anything more than friendship though.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

If this is what friends do, then I would like to be your friend. My name is David is I have a pretty hairy chest, but I moan like a tractor motor when someone gives me a good massage!

zen wizard said...

My friends are all hairy rednecks who look like Charlie Daniels, so we all get together and listen to...Charlie Daniels.

There is no physical contact unless someone breaks a limb.


Back to your quandary, and a woman who keeps coming over and wanting to shag is one heck of a quandary.

(It certainly beats one of my friends coming over, and wanting to repossess your furniture for Ace Rent-A-Center...)

If she ends up with a hot roommate (which seems to be likely with Oriental chicks), propose a three-some, or hit on/do the roommate.

When you are confronted that you hit on the roommate, say something like, "I thought it would bring us closer..."

This would be especially cool if you went for the three-way.

She will think American guys are really damned weird after all of this--but in our defense, nobody over here PROPOSED, THEN PUNCHED HER!!!

That is the only solution to this dilemma.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

By taking her to your place, you've gone and gotten yourself involved. You should've just banged her in the alley behind the bar.

And about the massage...did she give you a happy ending?*

* I saw your comment, but fuck it. I'm asking anyway.

The Charming Hedonist said...

shakes head

This, my friend, is what is called "Friends with benefits". She is the girl you will call when you're horny and want someone to put their hands on your body.

Happy New Year.

Casey said...

Women from that part of the world have a lot of those stories. It's so damn tragic. I talked to a Thai girl for hours in HK one time (it cost me a fortune in gin and tonics), found out all about why she had to work in one of those places, then blew town. Her village (complete with siblings she was supporting) was washed into the Indian Ocean by the Boxing Day tsunami.

Kind of a downer, but that's how it goes out there.

Mr. Shife said...

Do friends lie in bed, listening to Pink Floyd's Obscured By Clouds and massage one anothers naked bodies?

Yes, but only if you have your hair in pigtails.

Happy New Year. Hope you and your new friend enjoy some friendly activities.

elyse the portuguese said...

She can barely speak English, she gives killer massages, she works at a Thai restaurant, prude, comes on a little too strong... I'd feel maybe some pity if she wasn't so quintessentially foreign.

Well, maybe "prude" has nothing to do with it, but if she's going to stay all fuckin day and blab about her hard life, the least she can do is give it up.

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

Sounds like you might actually like this one. If not, make her a booty call. Just make sure you lay out the ground rules with her so she doesn't get attached. Good luck! Happy New Year!


Good Luck!!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

CHUD: Happy Gilmore quote! Well played, sir.

Classy: I love that cut!

Sassy: So sassy, but right in this case.

Airam: Thanks! Happy NY to you too.

Radio: You're the second person to say that, so you're right. I was going to give that speech when I dropped her off, but then she said, "So, we can be friends?" She also asked me if I was still in love with my ex wife (not true, really), and I said yes. So, maybe she gets it.

Anon: WOW!!!!!! That's the most bazaar anonymous comment ever.

Zen: That's the ONLY solution, huh? Okay, I'll give it a whirl.

Mighty: He asks anyway! Always a million laughs. You're one of the best commenters in the business, and that's no lie.

Charm: I've never officially had one of those, so we'll see how it goes.

Casey: For sure a downer, but yeah, it's messed up out there.

Shife: Yes. ... Firendly activities.

Elys: Give it up!! Hahahahah. Well put.

zen wizard said...

A friend of mine swears by watching cartoons post delicto flagrante and keeps some Looney Tunes on hand just for that event. He says it lightens things up better than stuff like Pink Floyd.

(I guess another strategy would be to keep Mayberry RFD reruns and watch REGULAR Floyd...)

If I ever get laid again I will try that and let you know how it goes.

(I wish The Three Stooges worked--but, as little as I know about women, I know women do not like The Three Stooges.)

Ms Smack said...

Oh yes.... i'd be having that 'we're just friends' talk too, and KNOCK Off the sex stuff, cos you're fucking with her head, dude.

If you wanna fuck her, then you're more than friends. Simple, and she's gonna expect boyfriend behaviour OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

I reckon Thai girls would go slightly mental with your ass if you fuck with her, be careful!! You might wake up with something simmerin on the stove - your balls in Thai sauce!

heheh Happy New Year, honey x

Diesel said...

And why don't you want this chick to be your girlfriend?

The Charming Hedonist said...

And, by the way, what's with you and asian chicks?

Eve said...


Friends don't do that. Sorry to be the one to say it.

And in a culture where there's such a double standard for women, I don't think friends with benefits is realistic. Also, it sounds like she wants you to save her.

I think being honest about what you want/don't want is the best solution.

Mood Indigo said...

Man, I wish I had half your game.

Anonymous said...

hahah, great post and Classyandfancy's comment had me cracking up. "One night in Bangkok" is a very apt song :)

she sounds like a sweet girl.

Electrolyte Slut said...

Yes friends who massage each other works. Well sort of.
Ugh you sounded like the 24 year old guy.

Steph said...

Make sure the boundaries are clear my friend, make sure you're both on the same page first, mkay?

Laaw-yuhr said...

Gancer, you seem like a decent guy in that you want to look out for her. But I'm going to agree with the other ladies that you should be clear about what you expect from this situation. She may really just want to be friends with benefits, in which case all is well. However, it really does add insult to injury to nail a girl who's been really screwed over and doesn't know how to go about building a real relationship.

The Clumsy Chatterbox said...


I love that you ran into her again. She keeps on staying later and later the next day, are you sure she doesn't want to move in?

Soon, she'll stay for several days. But imagine how great your back will feel.

BottleBlonde said...

Ms Smack speaks the truth. Broken English Girl is likely to origami your dick if you don't tell her that you no love her long time.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I'm with Classy - "One Night in Bangkok" will really bring you both closer.

When do you take her to The Liar's Club?

Anonymous said...

Wow there's never a shortage of women on your jock. And always a variety with the hungarian chick and now this thai chick. Which country's poontang u gonna sample next?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Zen: If you ever do "get down" to The Stooges, please let me know how it works out, and if the Curly era is officially better in EVERY way.

Smack: Don't worry. I've settled it with her. I told her I'd still like to be a friend to her, but I've started seeing someone. Which is actually true, but something I would have told her even if it weren't.

Diesel: The subservient Asians sound great on paper, but then you learn that they SUCK to talk to. Wait, I was the one moving her shit, so maybe I was the subservient one . . .

Charming: You're not the first to accuse me of having a case of Yellow Fevor.

Eve: Done and done. Your advice well well-put and well-thought out.

Mood: You'd be surprised to see what little game I have. Everyone just has a hot streak.

Betty: I wish I could get that song to kick in when someone reads this entry.

Electro: I do resemble a 24-year-old in a lot of ways, but it's too bad I just turned 31. I need to grow up . . .

Steph: Yes, ma'm. I'm on it.

Law: Okay, ladies!! I've taken care of it. You're all right and I'm wrong. This feels like an episode of Perfect Strangers: I'm the dim-witted, slightly immoral Larry and you all are the loveable, always right Balki.

Bottle: That might not be all bad. Could she oragami it into something cool, like a submarine?

Cherry: Alas, she may never make it to the LC with the Gancer. However, I'd like to talk to you about our next Blegger, maybe at my place.

Anon: Poon-tang on the jock? Funny. It's really not as glamorous as it sounds, and I'm going to stay away from topics like this for a while, so I don't look like a mack daddy wannabe.

5 of 9er said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
5 of 9er said...

What about the time when we were in bed listening to Pink Floyd's Obscured By Clouds and massaging one anothers naked bodies? I see... and I thought I was special.

[and yes, I am the dumbass that deleted the last comment]

Wit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Awww K-Noise, you are not Cousin Larry. You're just a run of the mill decent guy who knew that you might be taking advantage of a girl a felt a twinge of guilt about it. You deserve a merit badge, not a kicking around.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner: That moment is one I will always treasure. The other one was when we had those two chicks over and the one cup. Makes me want chocolate ice cream just thinking about it.

Lawyer: A merit badge! How fun! I never got one of those. What do we call this one?

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

How about we call it "decency in the face of available pooty"? I'm not sure what the emblem on the badge should be though - you'll have to work on that.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Ms. Law: I'd wear that badge with honor, and I'd wear it right next to my badge for learning how to tie a boowie knot, but I don't know how to spell it.