Tuesday, January 08, 2008

'Zo and Laetitia: Together at Last

One day my ex and I were talking about the celebrities who we wished we looked like. She wanted to be someone with a model's body, yet still voluptuous, so she decided on the chesty Victoria's Secret model Laetitia Casta (the word "tit" is in her name for heaven's sakes). I always wanted to be an enormous, good-looking guy who could dunk a basketball with a simple post move - A guy who, in general, nobody would want to "F" with, so I went with the then center for the Miami Heat, Alonzo Mourning.

We then got off on a bazaar tangent, as we often did, on what it would be like if the two of us jumped into their bodies, like in Being John Malkavich, found each other in our new bodies, and started dating.

Alonzo stands at 6'10" and 261 pounds, while Laetitia is 5'8" and although she was quoted as saying she only need be "in the mountains with some cheese and a bit of bread" to maintain her happiness, she is probably not much over 100 pounds. She also said of her breasts that they were "made in Normandy...from butter and cream cheese." What's with this chick and cheese, and although I'm sure she means that's what her titty-growing diet consisted of, doesn't it sound kind of like she's sculpting a pair of knockers out of mounds of butter and cheese? Damn, that's hot. Anyway, Alonzo has a foot on her in height, and well over 100 pounds on her in weight, but let's dig a little deeper . . .

Before the 2000-01 season, Alonzo was diagnosed with focal glomerulosclerosis, a kidney disorder that sidelined him for an entire season, and eventually led to an early retirement. While tragic, this would be a great time for him work on his impressive list of community service projects, but if he were married to Laetitia Casta, 'Zo could also devote his time to banging his supermodel wife at least three times a day, which any man in his position should, unless doctor's orders went against such a regiment.

Hey, readers, which celebrity do you wish you were, and who would you be dating? What kind of couple would you be, and what would the public think?

Information used without permission from http://www.laetitiacasta.com/laetitia-casta.php and http://www.answers.com/topic/alonzo-mourning


5 of 9er said...

My post today sums it up well... Hugh Grant. But if I really was Hugh Grant I guess I would have to couple with a hooker. Not sure if we would go out in public.

Zen Wizard said...

Why John Malkovich didn't win an Oscar for Being John Malkovich has always escaped me. I thought he nailed that part, and indeed, that was some of the best acting I have ever seen!

(The polar opposite of Game Day where Richard Lewis played a basketball coach. Richard Lewis as the towel boy you snap with the towel might have been more like it...)

I would imagine the Latetia/'Zo matchup would involve her getting on top a lot.

Jump into anyone's body?

I would jump into Jessica Biel's body and stay home and look in the mirror and pet off a lot, I guess...

The Clumsy Chatterbox said...

I wish I was, um, Keira Knightley.

I would love to be stick thin and have haunting and pensive looks. I'm obsessed with Pride and Prejudice. Oh, what I would give to be mysterious!

I would date someone like Clive Owen or something. Or perhaps I could pull a Pretty Woman and date 5 of 9er as Hugh. Gotta love Hugh.

TSTuesday said...

I would be Marisa Miller (another VS model). Sadly all I have that she has is the hair, eyes and teets. The body is almost there damnit!!!

'Zo is an interesting touch. Do you want to be hung like a giant black man? Envious?? I'm just sayin'...

CRUSTY MOM-E said...

I would be Gina Gershon..
she's hot..sultry, and flies under the radar..
as far as a couple, hmm,..the way our life is with a jewish husband and a christian wife,..that's a tough couple to think of..

nahhh, that's me.

Capricorn too! your birthday's coming up, isn't it!

CRUSTY MOM-E said...

Just look at that mouth! Tell me she's not intriguing!!



Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

I always wanted to be Brooke Shields in "The Blue Lagoon" and I though her island lover was very hot. I saw this movie for on TV the same time I discovered my hormones, so I may need to update to a new fantasy. But when I was a young gal, there just weren't any hot brunettes - Brooke Shields was more or less it - and so she was my fantasy me.

Kritkrat said...

Jumping on the VS bandwagon, I'd want to be Miranda Kerr. Plus, I've always liked the name Miranda so that would be a nice bonus. (Another bandwagon I'll jump on: John Malkovich totally got ROBBED!! That is one of the best movies I've ever seen and he was phenominal!) Maybe as Miranda Kerr I'd date John Malkovish. Or maybe Adrian Grenier.

classyandfancy said...

I'd probably pick a 'Zo too, Zooey Deschanel or Alexis Bledel. They are both quirky, smart, cute, & funny. My beau would be Gael Garcia Bernal. We would make great indie movies and start a band. The general public would think we were awesome, but not interesting enough to be in US Weekly.

Michael5000 said...

Eh, I'd just pick someone five or six years younger than me, for the lifespan bonus. And I'd stick with Mrs.5000, 'cause she cracks me up, and is unlikely to ever drag me off to live in the mountains with just some cheese and a bit of bread.

Hope I didn't ruin the celebrity game.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner: I SAW that post and thought you might say that. You and Devine Brown will be FABULOUS. Bill Mahr said she looked like Marvin Hagler. Hahhaha

Zen: Would you squat over the mirror? I know you'll get back to me on that, cause you're awesome w/ follow ups.

Clumsy: I'll be 'Zo and you be Kiera, and 'Zo will rock your world Knightly.

Charm: I'm sure 'Zo is hung like a moose, but that really wasn't a consideration. Yup. A moose . . .

Crusty: She is a foxy broad. Bday was the 5th, but thanks, fellow goat.

Law: This new bird I'm seeing looks like hey-day Brooke Shields. Maybe I should perm my hair and we can play Blue Lagoon!

Kadonk: You could make a new movie: Doing John Malkovich.

Classy: I don't know ANY of those people. I thought you wanted to ride that sentimental newscaster guy with the salt and pepper hair?

Audi 5000: Awwwww, that was sweet. You didn't ruin the game at all, partner. Give Mrs. 5000 my best.

Mood Indigo said...

Natalie Portman dating Gael Garcia Bernal. Hot just thinking about it.

(though in all honesty, I'd take Kate Winslet's body in Titanic over skinny Natalie portman - I just want Natlie's life and boyfriend).

Grad School Reject said...

I would be Justin Timberlake for two reasons.

Reason 1 - Women go nuts for this guy. Brittney (pre crazy)? Check. Cameron Diaz? Check. Jessica Biel? Check. The dude pull in some hot women.

Reason 2 - I could repeatedly punch myself in the balls for being Justin Timberlake - the boy band kid who made it big.

I would ask my wife to be Shakira because of my long held belief that she dances like she fucks. And have you ever seen her dance?

Mr. Shife said...

I think I wish I could be a Tom Brady because his life isn't too shabby. I also might want to be Kate Beckinsale and then I just would stay at home all day and play with the equipment.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Jeffry Osborne. Because I like to give special joy.

As far as who I would date, maybe Grace Jones or some other really fucked-up 80s icon. 'Cuz that would be fun.

The Charming Hedonist said...

p.s. -- I tagged you.

So@24 said...

What are your thoughts on Kevin Duckworth or Clyde "The Glide" Drexler?

RevRee said...

If I could be anyone I'd wanna be Alicia Keys!! She's hot, and talented! DAMNNNNnnnn

Girl in a Guy's World said...

Easy! Cameron Diaz because she's hilarious! And I would totally do Matthew Mcconaughey.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mood: I don't know Gael, but I do think Natalie is a damn, charming chick.

GSR: HAHHAHA! That's dedication to punch yourself in the nuts like that!

Shife: OR, you could be Tom Brady and pick up Kate, and play with her equipment as the best QB ever.

Cherry: Special joy!!!!! You're my dogg, Cherry.

Charm: Okeedokee.

SO@24: I love Clyde. Didn't Duckworth shoot under 50% in free throws?

Rev: Alicia is smokin'. I agree.

Girl in a Guy's: Nice. I think they'd make a nice couple, actually . . .

Eve said...

Hmm. I'd say Eva Mendes, but only physically. She's voluptuous and has dark hair and features. Totally hot.

And I'd date James Mcavoy.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Eve: Eva Mendez is a fine looking woman, I will agree. Circle gets the square!

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