Friday, January 11, 2008

Toby, "Breakfast With No Hog," and Arnold Working Some Ass

1. I had to shoot a photography gig for a corporate event, and who should be providing the entertainment but U.S.A. lovin', Ford truck drivin', no sleeves in his entire closet havin' Toby Keith. I will say, although I pretty much hated his actual music, he and his band put on a pretty good show. Also, it was better than the music over the PA before he took the stage: One song was called She Thinks My Tractor is Sexy, and if you think I'm lying about a song title/concept that stupid, just click here. One thing that really pissed me off was when Toby went into a version of Stranglehold by Ted Nugent. Not because he butchered it, but, surprisingly because he nailed it, and his voice suddenly became a "rock" voice with a good range, and, most importantly, not the least bit country. Then he went right back to his shitty, twangy country voice for the remainder of the show. Do you think he would rather do faithful covers of classic rock songs, but he's stuck in this Dixie Chick hating persona because it's making him so much damn money? Something to think about . . .

I texted this girl I just started seeing about the horrors of working an event with someone as shit-tastic as Mr. Keith playing, and she texts back, "Shut up! I love him!" Okay, she's cool, so I didn't hold it against her, and I even took a photo of him for her. I wasn't able to print them for her until the next day at the office, and then I had to walk home in the rain with a 6 by 8 too big to fit in any pockets, so I had to clutch Toby close to my heart, on the inside of my coat. I must dig this chick, yes? Time will tell.

2. I bring you, the 10 best rap songs ever, decided on by a white boy unqualified to say so (Notice the House of Pain):

10. The Ditty by Paperboy
9. Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
8. Fugee La by The Fugees
7. Paul Revere by The Beastie Boys
6. Jump Around by House of Pain
5. Gin and Juice by Snoop Doggy Dogg
4. The Message by Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five, Featuring . . .
3. Nothin' But a G Thang by Dr Dre
2. Mind Playin Tricks by Geto Boys
1. Good Day by Cube

3. My roommate and I watched Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer back-to-back. There is no comparison between the two: Barbarian rules and Destroyer is retched. That I've always known, but this time around I came to another realization: Conan the Barbarian is the one and only time you will see Arnold Schwarzenegger getting it on in a movie. There have been a lot of off-screen, implied fucking in his films, but Barbarian is the only time you can see him actually working some ass. I say that it's the last time too, because I don't see him making a film comeback after politics and getting down in front of a camera in his 60's. I just don't see it happening. So, rent Conan the Barbarian, watch him poke some crazy broad in a tent, who turns into a demon, and then Arnold chucks her into a fire. That's no lie. See it for yourself. My roommate informed me that he voted for Arnold when he was in California, and for that scene alone, he's got my vote too.

35 comments:

tnobes said...

Decent list but there are some obvious omisions. Where would you rank The Humpty Dance?

JerseySjov said...

oooh you have a lot to learn about rap

radioactive girl said...

Jump Around brings back a lot of college memories. I didn't know that counted as rap though.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

"Gin and Juice" is laaaayyyd back, bro. But you forgot "Holidae Inn" - that is off da hook.

PS - not that I'm any kind of expert on rap, but I'm with Radioactive Girl - "Jump Around" is so not rap.

5 of 9er said...

The Ghetto Boys... nice touch!

Samantha_K said...

Put your hands in the air, if youse a true playa.

Now I have all of these freakin' songs running on repeat through my head.

I guess it's not a bad way to spend the day, you know, laid back. With my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

And I actually like Toby Keith. Early Toby. In particular, "Shoulda Been a Cowboy."

And I agree that, "She thinks my tractor's sexy" is not Kenny Chesney's finest work.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Okay, EVERYONE. I said I'm not qualified to make a list like that, and this is just personal opinion from a non-expert, since I'm more of a rock guy. But I will respond to the input . . .

Jersey: You're wrong. I have the best taste in the world. Deal with it. Only kidding!

Radioactive: Why is it not rap? They're rapping in the song. Clearly.

Cherry: See previous comment. Although Irish and White, the song still qualifies as rap. What else is it? Polka? Holiday Inn is a jam, but Chingy? Best of all time?

Niner: Thanks! Only guy to lend a positive comment to my list.

Samantha: Not only is the tractor song not his best work, it's one of the shittiest things I've ever heard and maybe a sign of the Apocalypse.

classyandfancy said...

You have no respect for the rappin' ladies out there! What about some MC Lyte or ma girl Lady Sov?!

Also, I find it very disturbing that you would like to see Arnold in more sex scenes. He probably couldn't do more because roids messed his peen.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

EVERYONE: I was crabby with those last responses. So sorry. Must be my man-period. I value all your input and love you all like my own children. Okay, now I'm on the emotional swing of the man-period . . .

Classy: I have nothing against lady rappers, I just don't think they can crack the top ten. Lauren Hill was in the Fugees, and they made the grade.

It is kind of disturbing to be that interested in Arnold love scenes, but I think I'm the first to point out that it's his only boning scene.

Sassy Blondie said...

Dr. Ken-First of all, I too, am a fan of Toby Keith. So shut the hell up!
Second, ANYTHING by the Beastie Boys is good. I know, it dates me to say it, but I cannot help myself. Also, The Chronic is still Dre's best work.

Lastly, you are exactly right about the Govenator and banging in the movies. Conan was IT for ole Arnie. It's a bit disturbing to watch nowadays, however.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I love Jump Around!!! I love that you're givin' love to the Irish Rappers! And of course, every time I think of that song, I remember the pin in the video that says "Fuck me, I'm Irish".

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

Oh Tobey Keith...I am surprised you didn't stick ice picks in your ears. I know I would have.

Your rap list is decent, which ranks above mine which is labelled as "shiteous" so kudos to you.

Lastly, thanks for the visual of Arnold giving some girl a ride on the ol' bone coaster. -shudder-

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Jump around, Gthang all the way!!
Always,
Crusty~

Girl in a Guy's World said...

I hate that TK promotes this "southern ignorance" persona. Actually, it pisses me off. I'm southern (somewhat) and I'm intelligent. I think.

Girl in a Guy's World said...

p.s.: Do you need some midol?

Girl in a Guy's World said...

p.p.s: Oh, Rock Guru! Will you make me a playlist for my workout? I'm always looking for a good playlist.... ;)

Sabina said...

I've never heard that tractor song, but it doesn't surprise me in the least-- as a kid, my family would always listen to the country station on road trips just long enough to hear one hilariously awful song. It never took very long to find one. That said, I'm pretty sure I could never date a Toby Keith fan. You're very brave.

And I'm with classyand fancy: where are the women? No Missy, no Lil Kim? No love for Salt n Pepa?

Kadonkadonk said...

I have no idea what you are talking about. Toby clearly has sleeves on in the picture you put up.

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Toby Keith?! Yeesh. Sorry, Sassy Blondie (no offense intended). But since my family is all from North Carolina, I have a strong aversion to TK, Food Lion, and hound dogs.

Rock Hammer said...

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy is possibly the greatest argument for Postmodern Deconstructionism and its application to popular artforms among the often ridiculed bulk of consumers. Someday, Toby Keith will be recognized as one of America's premier faux-hillbilly suburban culture Deconstructionists.

That makes Toby very sad inside, in that respect. he knows one day, probably after he's dead, he will be recognized for his true genius. He's like Jesus.

So@24 said...

I love LOVE "Good Day". Has anyone really say down and listened to the lyrics?

Is Ice Cube really keeping stats while playing street ball? "I need the assist for the triple double, son!"

PS. Ol' Chardsy finally made the elite blogroll eh? I'm wowed.

marky said...

arnold is a cunt

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sassy: I didn't say it was fun to watch Arnie lay pipe, but yes, that was it for him.

Charming: True! Why did they act so "hard" in that video?

Chard: Boner coaster??????????? Where do you come up with this shit. I love it!

Crusty: Glad you are down with the classics.

Girl: I could certainly do that. I have an A to Z one that is pretty badass, but you'd probably have to do a lot of downloading.

Sabina: As I said to Classy, The Fugees made the cut, so I think that counts for women. Yeah, I always said I wanted a woman with good taste in music, but then I just go with the one with the biggest boobs. Only kidding!!!

Kadonk: Yes, but that shirt was just used for a photo shoot. If it were up to him he'd have cut the sleeves. The piece of shit that he is . . .

Law: What in tarnation is Food Lion?

Casey: See! I knew someone else was on to Toby's reuse . . .

SO: Yes, he keeps his personal stats and brags. That's why Dre and Eazy kicked him out of NWA. Little known fact . . .

Marky: Thanks for coming by, but you take that back!!!! Arnold is a National Treasure, and he nailed that demon chick with all the ferocity of a wolverine on crystal meth.

Diesel said...

That's funny about Toby Keith. Country is like the lowest common denominator of music.

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Food Lion is a grocery store chain that began in North Carolina and expanded through the South until a 20/20 episode revealed that they were bleaching raw meat to sell it beyond expiration dates.

When family members first mentioned the store, I couldn't tell if they were talking about a place called "Food Line" or "Food Lion" as it sounded like "Food lye".

Girl in a Guy's World said...

Dr. N: I'll download if you'll list. (That's kinda like I'll show you mine if you show me yours, huh?) You should blog about it.

sequined said...

Toby Keith is alright for me in small doses, but I made the mistake of putting one song on a mix for my mom once (she rather likes country) and now she's obsessed. She went and bought his albums, listens to them all the time in her car. And it's totally my fault. Whoops.

And Arnie is like my hero, and this reminds me that I haven't watched Conan in years. Time to fix that.

Mr. Shife said...

I don't know if I should tell you this but I know more about Toby Keith than the rap songs you listed. The only time I really listen to rap is when it is one of the crossover songs that even dumb, white guys know about like Crazy by Gnarls Barkley.
And yes Barbarian is better by far. Didn't Destroyer have Bridgette and Wilt Chamberlain in it?

Steph said...

Tells you what kinda musical taste I have. I like most of those songs!

Sassy Blondie said...

Miss Laaw-yhur-Tis okay...the Sassy Blondie is hard to offend! I respect your right to despise all things TK and Food Lion...those bitches were so bad they tanked!

But how can you hate the puppies??
;)

Dr. Ken...you're such a cute boy! Your man period...I love it!

Drunken Chud said...

so i had a buddy that worked at a movie theater back in the late 90's/early 00's. we saw 'three kings' at this place the only way one should: whilst drinking 40's of malt liquor and pints of blackberry brandy, after hours, and with the ability to smoke during the movie. so, towards the middle of the movie we were drunk off our asses running up and down the aisle with our pants half around our asses yelling, "Today I didn't even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day." every time sir cube was on teh screen. yeah, we're dorks, but dammit we represent.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Diesel: I tend to agree, kind sir.

Law: I heard Michael Jackson bleaches his meat too.

Girl: I'm dying to know how that list works out for you!!

Seq: You inadvertently turned your mom into a TK fan? Now you need to make her a Conan the Barbarian fan to offset that shit.

Shife: Bridgete Nielson, or however you spell it, was in Red Sonya with Arnold. Destroyer had Wilt Chamberlin and Grace Jones.

Steph: That's cause all those songs kick ASS! I was dancing my ass off to Kris Kross last night, so what the hell do I know.

Sassy: Glad you think my man-period is cute. It's gotten me this far, and there's no mess!

Chud: Okay, you are too fucking funny. When did you say you'll be in Chicago? We're having a Blegger (Blogger/Kegger) on St. Patty's weekend.

Electrolyte Slut said...

Tagged

Mood Indigo said...

Oh you just sent me back decades with Ditty!!! O.k., at least one.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Electro: I'm sorry! I don't do tagging, if it means a list of questions to answer. I just don't believe in letting something so random determine what my topic will be. However, I did fill out a thing where you use song titles to answer questions, because that's just more my style. ANYWAY, thanks for tagging me, which I think means you like my page. I like your page as well. ATTENTION READERS: Check out her page. Loads of fun.

Mood: Ditty is a hit. Still sounds great. And, yes, it is over a decade old as the first line would indicate when he says something like, "This is going out for the nine deuce," meaning 1992. I was Sophomore in HS when it came out. WOW!