Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Misunderstood Christmas Lyrics

I've been taking pictures of people at the mall to the sounds of the same God-damned Christmas songs over-and-over again, and if you know me at all, you know that I can't tune out music. It burrows into my head and pushes out everything that may be useful to me like where I left my car keys, my mother's birthday (only kidding mom, it's in October), or how to walk upright. Because I was left with no choice but to listen to this crap, since I can't tune it out, I figured I'd use my time to come up with some funny, I hope, insights about some of the lyrics. FYI, although they are both brilliant, I'm not going to go with ones that have already been done, like "Walkin' 'round in women's underwear" or "Check the balls on that big collie."

1. During We Wish You a Merry Christmas, it's way funnier, instead of saying figgy pudding, to say friggin' pudding. "Now, bring us some friggin' pudding. Now bring us some friggin' pudding. Now, bring us some
friggin pudding, and bring it right here! You can also insert Bill Cosby's favorite, "friggin pudding pops," to the same, if not heightened, effect.

2. Does the guy in the 12 Days of Christmas give his main squeeze five golden rings, for example, each day he gives her items five through 12, because that's what it sounds like. If so, she'd get 40 gold rings, and that's a lot of bling. The bad news is she'd also get 40 ladies milking, and that's a lot of lactating. That could be really messy, and does she have to house these wet nurses and whoever they're giving milk to, or are they taking milk from something, like cows? If so, what does she do with all those damn cows? If you ask me, this guy doesn't know shit about buying gifts. At day two she should have said, "Okay, now I have two partridges in pear trees, and the turtle doves don't sweeten the deal. What's more, Danny and Keith keep bugging me to get them out of the trees and they're repeatedly demanding of me to, 'Come on, get happy.' Take all this shit back and just get me the stuff I pointed out when we were at the mall. Weren't you listening? I know I didn't point out no damn birds!" Always just buy the shit they point out guys. Women like surprises, but only if they are predetermined, non-bird or wet nurse related surprises.

3. In Santa Clause is Coming to Town, when they say that "he knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake;" I wonder if he also knows when you've been playing with yourself. If so, I'm surprised I got any gifts.

4. There is a version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas that plays at the mall where it really does sound like the lady is saying:
"Here we are as olden days
Happy golden days, up yours."
That really sounds like a mixed message, like she's wishing me happy golden days (whatever that is, but it sounds nice), but then she says, "Up Yours!!!" Hilarious. Nobody says up yours anymore, which seemed to go out with "eat me." This is a shame, in that both are still effective in terms of their imagery and directness.

5. In every one's favorite Christmas carol, Whoomp There It Is!, by every one's favorite Christmas crooners, Tag Team, when they speak of their man Steve Boland, who in the hell is that? What throws me is that it's not a rap name, like I could see if it were Stevie B., but I suppose there already is a Stevie B., who sang the 1991 shit ballad*, Because I Love You. No rap name, just regular, old Steve. Actually, I looked it up, and evidently he says, "And my man Steve Roll'n," so it's kind of a rap name. I wish I knew that the other day before blurting out "my man Steve Bolan" 300 times in front of all my coworkers and customers, who must think I was rapping about some insurance agent, since that what Steve Boland sounds like to me.

Speaking of Stevie B., how bad is this video? Nothing happens! He just walks around his spacious, but sparse apartment, lamenting in his disheveled tuxedo and Afro-pompadour hairstyle. I just coined that term, and I'll never get to use it again, except those rare occurrences when Stevie B. is brought up. Such a a shame.

6. I noticed the other morning, when the holiday favorite Caribbean Queen came on the radio**, that Billy Ocean may have been ahead of his time when he sang, in 1985:

I was in search of a good time
Just running my game
Love was the furthest
Furthest from my mind

Running his game? Who was saying that in 1985? Then again, he does say "painted on jeans," which does bring him right back to 1985 as fast as his delorean will take him. As far as Billy's "game" is concerned, I don't know what kind of game he's running, because he was prone to saying: "Hey, you! Get into my car!" That's not too suave if you ask me, or is he really a genius? Oh, Billy, you sly dog you . . .

Are there some holiday lyrics that always threw you off over the years?

* This is not to be confused by Woot, There It Is. Why do two similar things like that always seem to come out at the same time? For instance, why did Antz and A Bug's Life both come out within a week of one another? One seems to always suck too. Was Antz or Bug's Life the shitty one? I don't know, because I've never seen either, but I'm pretty sure one or the other was the Woot, There It Is of the animated bug world.
** Okay, fine. I kind of like that song.
*** Okay, fine. It came up on random on my iPod. Okay, fine. I sought it out and played it.


J$ said...

haha great post. because i love you (aka the postman song) is a good song i don't care how cheesy the video is.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Jingle Ball Rock:

jingle balls,
tingle balls,
swing when they rock,
can we try this,
just give em a kiss?
bat them and swat it's just loads of fun
now the jingle ball pain has begun

jingle balls tingle balls,
swing when they rock
dingle balls chime, they're jingle balls, mine
stored very warmly in a dingle ball bag
tucked away from there

Mr. Shain said...

so many. i can't even list them all. i have deep shame about this.

Michael5000 said...

This is a really funny post. But, I think you might be slipping into delirium. Maybe a few days away from the mall would be good?

radioactive girl said...

Excellent! Now that is all I will hear in those songs.

Grad School Reject said...

No lyrics - but there is a song that makes me want to punch people in the face. I'm not even sure of the title, but it is Paul McCartney (or Wings?...even worse), and the chorus has the annoying "Simp-lee, Haaaving, a wonderful-Christmas-time." And then it repeats. And repeats some more. Then the punching commences

ADW said...

I am surprised that Dyck didn't write a carol about poon.

zen wizard said...

In the Nat King Cole version of "The Christmas Song," a lot of people hear, "Yule tide carols being hung by a wire..."

Maybe they were gonna rat out an organized crime boss or something.

Sassy Blondie said...

I grew up with a bunch of boys, so I think I know at least 2 'altered' versions of Christmas songs.

But I'm a lady, and as such, I do not feel it would be proper to share them in any public forum.

Loved this post!

So@24 said...

There's gotta be some kind of Christmas lyric we can pervert with the word "egg nog" in it...

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

I'd just like to point out Gancer, that for once I am not the last to comment. That said:

I too cannot block out the Christmas carols. The other day I'm strolling through the grocery store trying to block the carol noise, I blank out for a while and next thing I know I'm strolling through the grocery store singing along to the carols like I'm in my shower. Embarassing. This means that I'm either a happy go lucky person or a complete loon. I hate the carols either waay.

Airam said...

Oh how I dislike Stevie B.

There are a ton of songs that I've fucked up the lyrics to but I can't think of any right now. My snotty nose won't let me think of anything except itself. That selfish bastard. But to get in the holiday spirit of this post, I'll call it an elfish bastard.

zen wizard said...

This is off topic, but the song "O Holy Night" has a kick ass melody--but I dare anyone to sing the song in its entirety from memory.

So the song is frustrating as hell when you hear it in a grocery store since your brain keeps going, "Um...something something...THE STARS WERE BRIGHTLY SHINING!! something something...Oh night divine...something something..."

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Billy Idol is indeed a genius, and like all geniuses has been underappreciated in his time. Remember the video for "Wanna Ne Your Lover"? That was frickin' Oscar worthy.

ReckenRoll said...

"and that's a lot of lactating."


Thank you Gancer. Thank you for making the day that much brighter.

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

I know it isn't a Christmas song but the song "Bad Moon Rising" instead of teh real lyrics which are "there's a bad moon out tonight" I always thought it was "there's a bathroom on the right."

Oh, in Steve Miller Band's "Jet Airliner" he sings "big ole jet airliner" and I could have sworn he sang "big ole Jed and Linole!"

I must be deaf.

Sassy Blondie said...

Oh! When I was little, I thought The Who's "Who Are You?" was saying, "New Orleans! New! New!"

LOL I hadn't thought about that in years....

BottleBlonde said...

Genius. You are like the Celine Dion of Christmas lyrics.

Ms Smack said...

can't stand christmas songs. AT ALL, and most times when i'm shopping i take my ipod to avoid the sound of children screaming and parents needing abigger smack over the head, but lately its to avoid the fucking christmas songs over the speakers.

Steph said...

LMFAO! This post is one of the many reasons you're one of my favouritist bloggers evah!!!

5 of 9er said...

The Stevie B video make me want to shoot myself with friggin' pudin'.

Diesel said...

"I wonder if he also knows when you've been playing with yourself. If so, I'm surprised I got any gifts."

Playing with yourself IS a gift. Never forget that.

Rock Hammer said...

That's crazy, I thought the lyrics to jingle Bells and all the Christmas Carols went more like this:

Stab stab stab
stab stab stab
stabbitystab stab stab

zen wizard said...

On "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," I always want to say, "Here we are like the olden days/Happy molden days of yore."

BTW, what's a "yore"?

Who says that?

I mean, other than hillbillys saying, "Jethro! Get yore ass in the house for Granny's vittels!"

Mr. Shife said...

I just the world would come to its senses and realize that Lionel Richie is indeed a musical genius and only his songs should be played during the 3 months we hype and market Christmas.
"Say you, say me; say it for always
Thats the way it should be
Say you, say me; say it together

Merry Christmas my good doctor.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

J$: That is a deep, dark guilty pleasure that you almost forget you like. You see that video, you're making fun of it, and then somewhere in verse 3 you're like, "Shit, I like this song . . . "

DYK: Yeah, that is kind of perverted when you think about it, especially the "stored very warmly" bit.

Shain: Come on. We're all friends here . . .

Michael: I slipped into it long ago. Thanks, bud.

Radioactive: Yes. For life. hahahahhahahaha. My work is done here . . .

Grad: Yes! One of the best songwriters of all time and he writes that piece of crap. It goes to show you that he needed John to keep him from being a dork. When John couldn't stop him from putting Obladi on a record, the process had begun. By the time he released that little bundle of crap Christmas song, it was all over. Full-on dorkiness had taken over.

AD: I think the poon carol is all years. Just keep it under 500 words. That Pinochio story of yours really turned into War and Peace.

Zen: Have you heard the "O Tannenbam" by Nat? Unlistenable. Uggghghhh! He had that McCartney dork-gene I was talking about a minute ago on my comment back to GSR.

Sassy: Leave your lady hat at the door and tell us of your brothers' perverted X-Mas songs, damn it!!

SO: I think you're right. I hear Santa cums egg nog. Is that true?

Law: I've done that too! God, how nerdy. I think there's a happy, little man inside me that wants to embrace x-mas, and he sneaks out as I'm walking through Aldi. I have to push him back down, buy my summer sausage, and get out, fast.

Airam: Don't lie. You like Stevie and his hair. You secretly you're the chick in the video, but really you're just the chick spying through his sky light. Isn't that what looks like is happening? That's funny actually, but not funny enough to go back and put into this blog, because that would be hard . . .

Zen: Oh Holy Night is maybe the most badass Christmas song, especially the Bing Crosby one, but he seems a little too demanding of his listeners to fall to their knees, right? "Bing . . . I hardly know you . . ."

Cherry: I looked at that video. Ouch. That song was crummy. He's still trying to do his famous sneer and act cool, like he had every right to in the Rebel Yell video. That's the real sad part. The sneering in vain . . .

Reck: Thanks, girl!

Chard: Yeah, Big Ol' Jed and Lionel. Hahahhahhaa! Maybe they were bad drinking buddies, and he was all, "Don't carry me too far away!" A million laughs, Chard . . .

Chard: Wow. I can't hear that one at all, but I've done ones just as dumb.

Bottle: First you say genius, then you liken me to Ms. Dion. I'm just going to say thanks and move on. Thanks!

Smack: Great idea!!! I'm going everywhere for the next week with my ipod.

Steph: Thanks! You're not so bad yourself. You've been on my blogroll about as long as I've had one, and there's not many bloggers I can say that about these days.

Niner: Don't do it, Niner! Just put... down... the puddin pop....

Diesel: You're right, but I've giving myself that gift every Christmas. This year I want to surprise myself with a buxom flight attendant.

Rock: Hahhahaha! You're a twisted man, Rock. Keep doin' what you're doin'.

Zen: Yore. Good shit. I'm saying that more. When I'm married I'll say, "I remember my days of yore . . . "

Shife: You know what Lionel song I just rediscovered? "You are the sun, you are the rain .. . " Love that shit! I'm putting that on right now to congratulate myself on finishing the comments. I remember that song from days of yore . . . See, Zen, already used the word. Shife, Merry X-mas to you too, kind sir.

Electrolyte Slut said...

Stay away from the Mall. What the hell are you doing there anyways?
My earphones are permanently glued to my ears and I created my anti-christmas song playlist by blasting old school punk rock music in my ears.

Sabina said...

I think if you google "Santarchy" (or any of the other chaotic dressing-like-Santa-and-getting-wasted events around the country), you can probably find a link to their many, many pervy versions of Christmas songs.
In other news, I am SO not getting into Billy Ocean's car.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I don't want to sound offensive here, but my last two comments were, literally, made by tits and ass, in that order! Who else has a page that can boast that!?!?

Tits (Electro): Thanks for coming by. To answer you question, I take pictures at a mall of sorts. I like the headphone approach too, and I'll be applying it every day until The Other C-Word. Wow, that wasn't bad. I just thought of that.

Ass (Sabina): I'll be looking that shit up momentarily. I think I'd get into Billy's car too, but I wouldn't want him running his game on me.

Cocaine Princess said...

Now those are 2 videos I haven't seen in ages!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cocaine Princess: Leave it to me to unearth crap like that. : )