Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Getting Spanky at the Cock

No, that's nothing dirty, you perverts. I work at the John Hancock center, taking pictures of tourists at the base of the cock (ground floor), then I try to sell them the pictures with different Chicago backgrounds at the top of the cock (94th floor). I hadn't worked that location for some time, and I was less than thrilled to see it on my schedule, since it can be, at times, boring, depressing, and sometimes the house music, no lie, is a disc of Michael McDonald ruining Motown standards, one after the other.

However, I had not until this point passed the time away by chatting up the African American ladies who sell the tickets, run the elevators, etc. I wish I had discovered this earlier, because these gals are a hoot! One gets off the phone and says, "Oh, he's getting his balls waxed." I said, "Huh?" She said that a coworker was very secretive about the "appointment" he had to go on for his lunch break, so she filled in the blanks. Later, we were talking about if we wanted kids some day, and the one had decided that she was going to have kids at age "41." I asked her why that number, and she said that at that age she didn't care what childbirth would do to her body, stretch marks, etc., bring it on. I then brought up how I heard breast feeding can deflate a pair of perfectly nice breasts into a pair of deflated balloons. 41 Girl hadn't heard that, so she asked her friend, who was involved in another conversation, not at all listening to our conversation, "Did breast feeding fuck up yo' titties?" I chuckled about that for the remainder of my shift.

Here is another random thing I learned from a feminine, Southern guy I work with who is in between flight attendant gigs: In Ireland they call flight attendants "trolley dollies." Cute, huh?

There is one more thing I learned recently, but this was something I learned Saturday night. We were having a few drinks at a friend's place, and some of the ladies were modeling their New Year's Eve dresses for my buddy and me. I was shocked how candid they are with one another, like, "Your boobs look great in that, but your belly is poking a little. You'll have to wear spanx." What? Spanx? Have you heard of these? Apparently they are like stockings/spandex, only they go around a girl's gut to tuck it in tight. My buddy and I were wondering how it is we've never seen any of our girlfriends put one on, nor had we, to our recollection, taken off one of these in any of our other encounters. My buddy then speculated that this is why they often step out to slip into "something more comfortable." However, after the topic had moved onto something else, he suddenly remembered seeing one. We all had a good laugh as he told us about how he remembers wondering what in the hell it was.

Some of you won't be too surprised that I came up with a solid name for the male version of spanx: Hankz.

Hey, readers, have you heard of spanx? Any good spanx stories?

44 comments:

Mood Indigo said...

So my cousin is getting married January 12. And when I went to get fitted for my bridesmaid gown, it was right after I got back from Africa (read: diet of corn meal, flour and all things bread...). Wedding dress dealers have a fucking monopoly on these things - and the entire process makes you feel like a fat cow as you must order a dress at least twice your normal size and then alter it to fit. Well, even though the dress I was trying on had to be held up to cover my less-than-ample chest, the lady detected my Africa induced tummy and insisted I should order the size I tried because God forbid you see my stomach in the wedding photos. This lengthy story illustrates just how ignorant I've been as to the usefullness of Spanx - which could have solved everything without requiring me to go to an expert tailor to rebuild a dress that is four sizes too big. Another cousin, who ordered a size 22 thinking she'd be six months pregnant for the wedding (and then had a miscarriage) is in the same boat - so we're talking about utilizing the opposite of spanx and getting prosthetic butts and boobs to fill things out.

Drunken Chud said...

you know, zen had a post about spanx not to long ago, i personally have never experienced them, other than with chearleaders. the faux panties they wear under their skirts to cover their real panties are called spanks.

anyhow, i think i'ma bout ready to get spanky with the cock. so... peace.

ADW said...

Thank goodness I haven't had to use those yet. I think Spanx is just an up to date ame for a girdle. Really.

radioactive girl said...

Breastfeeding can't make your boobs any smaller if they start out tiny like mine. Actually I think mine got a little bigger after breastfeeding. No sagging yet, but I have a feeling there would need to be something there in order for it to sag. Wow. I am making myself sound super hot, right? I have no stretch marks from being pregnant though, so I guess I have that going for me.

I have never used spanx but have heard of them (it? them?) I am sort of built stick like, so I would need the opposite...something designed to fill me in a little bit. I'm not sure what they would call that though.

Also, I had no idea you lived in Chicago. I am not too far from there myself. So, if you ever see a stick like girl with 4 kids, wave to me.

So@24 said...

Spankx?? I've never heard of this! Damn that gender and their "secrets".

I'm asking every girl I come across if they've used this before...

But anyway... gettin' spanky at the cock sounds like a better idea than trying to solve that mystery.

mysterygirl! said...

The body responding to pregnancy is what messes up breasts-- whether a woman decides to breast-feed or not, her breasts still fill with milk and then may deflate when there's no more milk. Or that's what I learned in anthropology class.

And yeah, Spanx-- the return of the girdle. They're kind of like control-top pantyhose without any pantyhose attached. A woman can pair that up with a padded bra and whammo! You have no idea what you're actually getting. Haha. (For the record, I don't wear Spanx or a padded bra)

zen wizard said...

So the elevator of the building is the "shaft of the cock," the basement is the "perineum of the cock," and the penthouse is the "glans of the cock"?

#####

Anyway, Spanx® for posting on this divisive issue; an issue that could affect our ability to propagate the species for future generations.

For the record, my post on this issue was HERE.

Let's frame this situation in an analogous fashion: What if Burger King® placed a national magazine ad making the Double Whopper® look like two delicious, mouth-watering, cut-it-with-a-butter-knife slabs of aged Kobe steaks from a Japanese steak house--and then when you finally opened the package you are handed in the drive-through, the venerable-yet-not-Kobe Double Whopper® presented itself?

I would think there would be a class action suit.

Yet, American females are allowed to stuff their "Double Whoppers" into the deceptively shaping Wonderbra®, with nary a peep from the victimized public! (Well, the part of the public that has Y-Chromosomes...)

Spanx® are yet another salvo in the "material misrepresentation" arsenal of the average female.

I will let them have Spanx®, but we really need to draw the line there.

Thankfully, due to certain anatomical problems, a transexual might have a hard time using Spanx®--or there would really be some awkward moments in the bedrooms across the country. Quite frankly, that transexual on "Dirty Sexy Money" looks hot enough, and if she starts to Spanx® (am I allowed to use it as a verb, yet? Has Spanx® attained this level of top-of-mind-awareness in the lexicon of the zeitgeist?)...well, let's just say I am confused enough already...

Males, I am told, should not wear Spanx®.

I know; I know: You would REALLY like to get back into those Lenny Kravitz-buttoned-front-black-leather jeans you bought in 1993.

Alas, Chang and Eng--and their best friend, Wang--will not find adequate accomodations in Spanx®. Think: Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and Jeff Foxworthy crammed into the same twin-bed Red Roof Inn room...

Perhaps some enterprising male fashion designer in NYC can create "Spanx, with a codpiece"?

They could probably come out with two different versions, depending on what side you "hang" on.

Noble effort on the proposed name, Hankx®.

I fear an "appropriation of likeness" tort from Tom Hanks, though. (Especially since he's such a....what will go in the codpiece...Can you tell I am still bitter about, "The Polar Express"??)

How about....Wankxx®???

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I have to wear spanx around my crotch to help hide the bulge from my enormous wang.

BottleBlonde said...

Yer damn right I've heard of Spanx! I used them at my high school reunion. I wanted to look as anorexic as possible. Didn't work, though. People could tell I wasn't anorexic. You think the big tits and french fries gave me away?

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Sadly, I have used a pre-spanx product forced upon me by my mother. She insisted I wear this spandex horror to my senior prom where I wore a strapless fitted dress - and while back in the day I wasn't a tiny lass, I was exactly a heiffer then either and I think I looked pretty shapely and good, but my mom thought nature needed some improvement.

Nature, it turns out, was not pleased. Between my bustier bra thing and the grandma spanx I developed serious indigestion which led to gas - which I did tend to in the restroom thank you. However, it made for a woeful, stomach clutching evening. Now I'm like, enjoy my belly bitches.

hamburger helper said...

in my research, i've found that spanx are a wonderful thing if used correctly.

spanx are intended to "smooth out your figure". which means that if that size 8 dress is a little bumpy, spanx will hide all that for you. but if you're a 10, pulling on a pair won't get you to fit into that 8. sorry!

back in my dancing days, i wore spanx religiously. they're fantastic for eliminating static cling on costumes. and for those modern musical body suits, spanx are god's gift to me!

as for cheerleader underwear and breast feeding...we called the underwear things "spankies" and i'll keep you posted on the breast feeding thing. as of right now, the girls are just swollen and tend to throb when the baby cries. but who knows what may happen in the coming months.

dr. ken - are you coming to the shindig at the fisher house?

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

My cousin is all about Spanx, however they do frighten me so I try to stay away.

And yes, that is the way most females talk to eachother. I don't know why we feel the need to tell eachother that their "boobs look great in that" but we do.

Electrolyte Slut said...

I hate Spanx. A modern version of corset. Is fashion going back to the 18th hundreds when women had to wear corsets too tight that they get fainting spells? Plus that's just another clothing to take off for me...no thanks.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Modd: See that! Spanx could have solved all your Africa-belly problems!

Chud: You have a lot of cheerleader experience, it seems. Do tell . . .

ADW: Yeah, but girdle makes a gal sound old, yes? Like B. Arthur probably slips one on every morning.

Radio: I'm glad your boobs had no ill-effects. I am in the Chi. Let me know if you need help washing your car. Is that what you're doing in that photo?

SO@24: Did you do some research, partner?

Mystery: Always so helpful. Thanks for coming by my site! Now go post something. We miss you.

Zen: I'm abusing that "shaft of the cock" line. So disappointed that I didn't think of it myself . . .

Mighty: I thought you tucked it between your legs, like Buffalo Bill.

Bottle: All this talk of big tits and french fries is working me into a tizzy.

Law: See, great input there! They can compress your shit in to the point of horrible gas pains. Thanks!

Helper: I've been working a lot, but if I can get by, I'll be sure to play the cazoo.

Laughing: Since we're being frank, how does my ass look in these jeans?

Electro: In your line of work, one more thing to take off is a real hassle. Time is money, I suppose. Thanks for stopping by again!

classyandfancy said...

Under my clothing, I only like like to wear velvet jumpsuits that snap at the crotch. They go great with the stirrup pants I've been rockin'.

Sassy Blondie said...

Didn't Oprah sing the praises of Spanx? Is that why I don't care?

radioactive girl said...

Not washing my car, it was just before a triathlon. That was actually 4 months after I had my fourth baby. I need to update that picture because he will be 4 in January!

zen wizard said...

Is it tough to de-Spanx?

I'm curious--can a frequent user weigh in??

I am reminded of the rural days of my youth, and attempting to retrieve over 10 pounds of fertilizer out of a 10 pound sack.

Is this analogous to de-Spanxing?

If you see one woman in Spanx and her five friends at the same table at a bar, are you allowed to refer to them as, "Spanxy and Our Gang"?

Has any such Spanx-etiquette--or Spanxiquette--evolved yet?

JerseySjov said...

in the bridget jones movie she has a dilemma to wear spanx, which would let her look hot enough to seduce her intended, or to wear sexy underwear, which would look nice once the potential seduction was underway.
i think its a better idea to just buy clothing that makes you look nice on the outside, ie dresses that dont cling/bunch where they shouldnt, and always go with the sexy underwear.

Eve said...

That's a modern day girdle. I've never worn one, but I have a friend who showed me hers recently. It seems a bit odd, if you ask me, but also kind of genius.

Also: balls waxed?! Do guys really do this? OW!

Gledwood said...

Hey you remind me of some vulgarity that I won't say here!

;->...

captain corky said...

Don't bike riders where those things?

Grad School Reject said...

I wish someone at my office would yell out "Hey, Did breast feeding fuck up yo titties?" That would probably make my week if not my year.

Some chance I'll be in Chicagoland during January or February - Any chance you and your crew will want some drinks?

Airam said...

Spanx are NEVER worn if there is a possibility of her getting naked with a guy. I think that guys' typically learn of spanx after they are married and have had a kid and their wife is trying to squish in her expanded belly.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I was trying on a bridesmaid dress and the woman at the dress shop said to put spanx on before putting the dress on. I didn't understand why (I may have hips, dammit, but they're not lumpy) because the dress fit perfectly.

After trying to get into those things, I decided that if I'm going to get Spanxed I'm at least getting dinner out of it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: That's . . . quite the apparel. I like it!

Sass: Good to know that Oprah endorses Obama AND Spanx.

Radio: Yes, when you zoom in I can see that. Did anyone else think she was washing her car at first, or am I a village idiot?

Zen: You can pontificate on just about anything, can't you? Knew I can count on you to bring up such puzzling questions.

Jersey: Yes, there is the worry of a gentleman caller spotting your Spanx. How embarrassing, and what a let down for him, I suppose.

Eve: Tell us more of the friend showing you the Spanx. Was she wearing them? Did she do a little, runway turn?

Gled: You haven't been around, have you? Vulgarity is fair game here at The Gancer. Let it loose!

Cork: Yeah? Maybe bikers that hang out at The Blue Oyster Bar from Police Academy.

Grad: I sent you an email, so let me know if you get it. I'd be glad to show you my fair city, and by that I mean get you drunk and laid. Wait, you're married. Just the first one then.

Charm: Hmmm, that seems like a good way to blow a sale to me. I'm sure you looked smashing. F her.

UnBonHomme said...

I've heard they exist, seen them at stores, even pointed to them and questioned females about "what the fuck is that...spanx?" but, thank GAWD never been faced with such horrors.

Diesel said...

Men don't need those things because we know that women secretly find our fat, hairy bellies very attractive.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Doc,

I heart you for that.

Thanks.

sequined said...

I always want spanx, actually, though not enough to actually buy them. I always think, "ooh, I would look way awesome if there were only some kind of a device to hide the fact that I drank a pitcher a night for a whole semester..." And there IS such a product! But like I said, never actually tried it.

I went the empire-waist dress route instead, which is also a mistake because those can sometimes look like maternity wear. Now I know.

Scary Monster said...

Stompy Christmas, sister.
Hope alla ya nasty sexual fantasies and dreams come true!

Scary Monster.

Me goin out to nibble onna reindeer, yeah!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

unbon: Don't be afraid . . .

Diesel: They so do.

Charm: Any time, homegirl.

Seq: I HATE those maternity outfits!! You know what I do like, though? The Geisha Girl outfits. Oooooooh, snap! I'm also glad that wife-beats came in style. Also good for The Gancer.

Scary: Thanks for coming by during your retirement!

Girl in a Guy's World said...

Spanx are downright scary.

zen wizard said...

How about--put blue pinstripes on them and call them, "Yankx"?? Possible trademark issues?

I still think we need a codpiece on 'em--a padded one would be nice, since we are going for flattering deception anyway.

Ms Smack said...

My girlfriend is a tiny tiny girl but with gynormous boobs even post-reduction. BUT she has an unusual shape middle, in that it pokes out weirdly, not fat, but weird, so she has a body-suit thing she wears out which keeps it all shaped nicely.

By the time the boys get her home, with her tiny body, big boobs and willing mouth, they dont notice, or don't care about the weird shaped tum.

I personally have a beautiful wedding torselette which is like a corset, but with built in bra-bits.

Merry Christmas, honey.

Drunken Chud said...

you still gettin spanky at the cock? sheesh.

Sassy Blondie said...

Happy New Year, Dr. Ken! :)

Eve said...

Yes, she was wearing them. No, it was more of a drunken bar flash than a runway turn.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Girl: Scary, yes, but we must confront them head-on.

Zen: The Yanks sound great! You have a wealth of gem ideas, brother.

Smack: Your "tiny" friend with the "gynormous boobs" sounds good to me, "weird" body, spanx, and all.

Chud: Sorry for the absence, big fella. Thanks for checking in.

Sassy: And same to you, Sassy. I'm having a very "frat boy" party at my apartment tomorrow, and I wish you all could be there.

Eve: Damn! Well, have her do the runway turn with the spanx and get a video for our research purposes.

Mortarbored said...

Gah, I'm gonna miss good ole Chi-town.

The Clumsy Chatterbox said...

I have Spanx, but it's a man-made chastity belt.

Wear Spanx, look great.

No action.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Motor: Did you already leave? You must come to our next Blegger (Blogger/Kegger).

Clumsy: That's kind of what I thought. It's what you want to wear to look good, but you know you won't be letting any guy get your clothes off that night.

Jessica said...

I prefer being bare under my dresses. I bought some Spanx after seeing em on Oprah once. I hated em. I felt like a stuffed sausage and I got all sweaty putting em on. It was comedic!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jessica: Was just reading blogs from a year ago and saw your comment. Thanks for dropping in your input on Spanx, even if it was a year later. : )