Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Gancey Life Lessons to Make Your Life a Little Gancier

Here's some things I learned over the past couple of weeks:

1. I've been taking pictures of tourists for 9 straight days, and I learned this: Asian Indian men love them some striped shirts. It's really an incredible phenomenon, but I can't believe it took me this long to notice it, given that my workplace is saturated with Asian Indian fellas donning the darned things.

2. I went to a shit-hole karaoke bar the other night, and I learned some things there too.
A) My buddy does a VERY funny version of Strokin' by Clarence Carter.

B) When the staff member manning the karaoke machine is piss drunk, it leads to some karaoke catastrophes.
C) When a guy wants to sing "Africa" by Toto and "Manic Monday" by the Bangles comes on instead (see point B), it is not nice to say, "Sing it anyway, pussy!"*
D) It's always good to have your cell around to take down a memo when something you think is real funny is going down, like a drunken Hispanic guy making an ass of himself. Here's what my phone memo said, and I'll break down what I meant by each thing, since it took me a while to piece together just what in the hell I meant:

"Honey bunny for hard for the money" - This is roughly what he was singing after taking the microphone away from whoever was supposed to be singing "She Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer. It was his own little breakdown during an instrumental part, and it kicked ass if you ask me.

"On mic, clear he didn't speak English." - He did have a thick accent, and based on his "honey bunny" line, I really don't think he spoke a lick of English.

"Kak shorts, sneakers, and striped polo." - That is what he was wearing, the shorts were real short, and the socks and sneakers made it look real nerdy.

"Hiked up shorts and did Flashdance." He did jack up his shorts and do the Jennifer Beals/Chris Farley, Maniac run in place.

D) Guys like that are what karaoke is all about. People who sing fairly well and take themselves seriously are actually a bigger embarrassment than the Mexican Michael Sambello.

3) Here's something I learned about women: When you want to say something romantic to your girlfriend, even if the two of you watched Wonderland the night before, don't text her this:
"I love you more than John Holmes loved tooting up countless rails of cocaine and beating a guy to death with a led pipe."

*I yelled it, I didn't even know the guy, and I wasn't even drunk. Not yet, anyway.


Jenni said...

I have been known to yell into a karoke mic, "Shut the fuck up or I'm going to come back their and kick your ass."
It was a long evening, I was WAISTED and my John Travolta-like friend and I were in the middle of singing "Summer Lovin." The guy in the back of the room wanted us to sing "I Got You Babe" instead, and I wasn't having any of that nonsense.

Falwless said...

I shout, "SING IT ANYWAY, PUSSY!" all the motherfuckin' time. It's like a bad case of Tourette's, I swear. My family has switched churches fourteen times.

I love that you were writing memos on your cell phone in order not to forget to write about it on your blog. If I did that I'd likely have a lot of memos similar to "DONT FORGET TO WRITE ABOUT THIS---VERY FUNNY!!!11" Of course, that'd be the entire message from beginning to end and leave me wondering later what in god's name I thought was so hilarious.

M360 said...

OMG! I have never really paid attention to the words of that Clarence Carter song (nor have I seen the video)... and I must say, this man is a genius! The words to this song are sheer brilliance! I'm going to make it a personal goal to learn the words to this song. Seriously! This song will become my go to song in karaoke! Thank you so much again for adding to my life Gancy!

The Charming Hedonist said...

"I love you more than John Holmes loved tooting up countless rails of cocaine and beating a guy to death with a led pipe."

Nothing says you care like THAT.

Zen Wizard said...

I hate it when you tip the karaoke DJ and then he plays some WAY OFF shit you have never heard of before--makes for 3.5 of the most embarrassing moments of your life...

...which reminds me, has anything GOOD ever happened because of karaoke?

If so, could someone relate one good thing that ever happened?

I mean, like somebody sang "Ring of Fire," and then he actually got laid or something??

Sassy Blondie said...

Val Kilmer as John Holmes....creepy.

paperback reader said...

If karaoke was more like this, I would enjoy it way more. Instead, it just makes me think, "Man, these people seem to be enjoying Bon Jovi unironically. What the hell has happened to this world?"

M360 said...

I just had to let you know that I just downloaded Strokin' by Clarence Carter mp3. Now I can play it anytime, all the time... you created a monster!

JerseySjov said...

haven't been here in a while; glad to see i still think you're funny.

i don't do karaoke, preferring to keep my fabulous vocals behind the wheel of a car, but i feel that anyone who catches a glimpse of me across a stoplighted intersection has the right to yell 'sing it anyway, pussy!' if they see me reach for the radio dial.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jennni: I think I would have rather heard I Got You Babe over Grease.

Faw: Yes, you have to check that memo right away, or it won't make any damn sense.

360: The song is so dumb and pointless, but so damn fun.

Charm: I should be the one called "Charming," don't you think?

Sass: The real John Holmes was way white-trashier and uglier.

Pistol: I'm so over Bon Jovi. They were cool when I brought my tape into art class, though.

360: Hahahhahahhaha! "Oh, shit! Clarence Carter!" I like that she says his full name.

Jov: Glad you still think I got it, and don't be surprised if I heckle your car singing.

Drunken Chud said...

ok, first i wish people would quit hacking on john bon.

second, Zen: i have in fact been laid because of karaoke. i am a horrible singer however this chick promised me a BJ if i sang brother love's travelling salvation show. i rocked it, got my BJer and proceeded to rail her like rivet gun into the door panels of her car. no, std's. no kids. 6.5/10. so i consider that good.

third "I love you more than John Holmes loved tooting up countless rails of cocaine and beating a guy to death with a led pipe."

you had me at hello.

Kritkrat said...

Gancer, you're funny shit. I bet we'd get along.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Indeed, Doc. Indeed.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Are those vertical or horizontal stripes on the chinks? Inquiring minds want to know.

Michael5000 said...

Actually, if your girlfriend was Mrs.5000 and you told her "I love you more than John Holmes loved tooting up countless rails of cocaine and beating a guy to death with a lead pipe," she'd think that was great. But then if your girlfriend was Mrs.5000, I'd have to toot up a few rails of cocaine and beat you to death with a lead pipe. Or something.

Helen Mansfield said...

This post made me piss my pants.

There is not enough alcohol in the metropolitan Chicago area to make me sing in public.

If my old man ever told me "I love you more than John Holmes loved tooting up countless rails of cocaine and beating a guy to death with a led pipe," I would take that as the awesome compliment it was meant as.

Of course, I love him more than John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer loved young boys -- both in their own unique ways.