Sunday, January 25, 2009


I just finished a play in Chicago about infidelity, and my next project will more than likely, at least partly, deal with cheating as well. My writing partner and I decided that lots of authors continue with or revisit a theme if they still have more to say on the topic, and this theme is still important to me at least, as evidenced by this conversation I had with my girlfriend the other day.

Gancer: Seriously, though. If you ever slept with anyone I know, I'd have to kill you.

Gancy GF: Excuse me???!!!!

Gancer: Well, you know. I wouldn't kill you, but I'd be pissed as hell. I'd hurt you real bad, like with a pillow case full of oranges or something.

GF: Jesus, Gancer!!

Gancer: I wouldn't physically harm you. I'm just kidding. I could never hit a woman or a man for that matter. I've never even been in a fight. So, I wouldn't hurt you physically, but I'd make your life a living hell.

GF: Why are you threatening me like this?

Gancer: I'm not! I wouldn't ever make your life hell. I care for you way too much to do that, but I'd certainly have to do something.

GF: Like?

Gancer: Well, maybe pour some water in your car locks in the dead of winter to freeze 'um up real good or move all your picture frames around slightly to screw with your OCD tendencies or take your mail so that you never get your heat bill and they shut the gas off and . . .

GF: (incredulous stare)

Gancer: I really wouldn't do anything at all, but I'd be so hurt. Please don't ever do anything like that.


JerseySjov said...

wow man i just poked around the wood sugars page for a little. that danny guy... id like to bring some sugar to his wood if you know what i mean *wink*

as for moving her picture frames around to make her life heck: me and one of my friends play a game where we go into someone's room when they're not there and switch the locations of things. ok, so it's not so much of a game as it is us being sneaky and kind of dickish, but it's still fun.

sequined said...

Cheating would suck, but having having your car door locks frozen shut would definitely teach me my lesson!

TOPolk said...

Way to back down to the woman. Ike would be disappointed in you.

Anonymous said...

If you need to have the topic revisited, you know I have plenty to contribute! :) (ya sista)

Sassy Blondie said...

Ah..the evolved male! ;)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: It's Donny, and I showed him your site and your tan lines.

Seq: Yes. Sends a message, and makes them go back in the house and boil water while they think about what they've done.

TOP: He would. Does he get kick-backs from Hanes for their wife-beater sales?

Anon: Yes. You could write the book. I think you'd have scaled back a few less than I did, actually.

Sass: I don't get that a lot . . .

JerseySjov said...

oh, whups. in my defense they are both round vowels in some fonts.

JerseySjov said...

also what did he think of my tanlines?

Heff said...

Jee, I certainly hope your writing partner doesn't cheat on you, LMAO !!!

Zen Wizard said...

Don't worry, she was not at all creeped out by that revelation.

I know a lot about women: I dated one back in the Clinton administration.

But seriously dude it sounds like you have some pent-up hostility there: Let me guess, she moved your junior high bowling trophies to make room for her obsessive picture collection??

Michael5000 said...

The nice thing about being beaten with a pillowcase full of oranges is, once the terrible agony stops, the room smells all citrusy fresh!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: He was moved and asked if you lived in Chicago.

Heff: He had better not! Wouldn't surprise me if he became the biographer for your band. Shit, what were you called again? It would have been a funnier comment had I included the band name.

Zen: Yes, she did move those trophies, but they're going back up on that shelf one way or another.

5000: Yes, I always find myself in the mood for a Fanta when all is said and done.

pistols at dawn said...

Did it end with you crying and holding a stuffed animal? There was a whole lot of backing down here.

Still, congrats on the play, hotshot!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Pistols: It was stuffed duck, thank you very much. Thanks for the well wishes on the play! We got another run of it coming up if you're in the Chicago area.