My beloved Chicago Blackhawks are playing for a Stanley Cup tonight, and we're headed over to one of our old watering holes where we used to watch Chicago Bears games back when we still could get away with drinking heavily on Sunday nights.
The thing is, this city has really gotten behind their Hawks, which you would think would be surprising, since hockey isn't as popular as some other sports. But this has more to do with a city that needs a winner. Let's look at the facts:
Chicago Blackhawks: Last Stanley Cup: 1961. They made it to the cup in 1992, and then they traded away the three or four best players, guys who are some of the all time greats, and they've sucked ever since.
Chicago Bears: Last Super Bowl: 1986. Yes, Dr. Ken was in the 3rd grade. We played in one a few years ago, but Indianapolis beat the crap out of us.
Chicago Bulls: Last NBA Title: 1998. Number of NBA titles during Jordans periods of retirement: That's a big zero. He won three, sat out for two to let the Rockets win 2, came back to win three more, and then retired again. He came back for the Wizards to play for a stint, but let's just not get into that.
Chicago Whitesox: Last World Series: 2005. Yes, that's only a few years ago, but nobody cares because they are evil.
Chicago Cubs: Last World Series: 1908. Yes, that's over 100 years ago. One hundred. Civil War veterans could very well have been at that game. The last time they even played in a World Series was 1945, the same year that WW2 ended and Dr. Ken's father was born.
Chicago Governors: We sent around 4 out of last 5 to jail.
Chicago Olympics: Our mayor pumped in a ton of money to try to get the 2016 Summer Olympics here, and we lost out to Rio. Some say that it's because of all of our murders, but it turns out they have a bunch of those too. If they wanted the place with the most murders, they might as well have the thing in Detroit.
Chicago Parking Ticket Amount Paid By Dr. Ken: $3,048. This is a rough estimate. I know it's not good. They make signs in this city that are intentionally B.S., and even these pictures that you get in the mail of the automated things from the stop lights are crappola because you'll get one showing you doing a right turn on a red, which is okay on that intersection.
Now I'm just bitching, but my point is that we are sick of losing, and we're sick of bullshit. It's time to win tonight. It's time to "commit to the Indian." It's time to get my ass to the bar and reserve a table before all the other Chicagoans tired of losing get in there and drink all the beer.