Sunday, February 20, 2011

Weekend Update

On Friday, my friend Gung Ho and I went out, and at one point, we found ourselves on a dance floor with a group of straight-up weirdos who just had to be drug addicts. One guy looked like a combination of equal parts Frank Zappa and Rob Zombie, and he was tall enough to fiddle with the disco ball. This guy was fascinated by the thing, probably due to the drugs, and I was just sure that he was going to accidentally knock it down to the floor, shattering it.


While that didn't happen, what did happen is someone letting loose with the worst smelling fart of all time, permeating through the whole bar and having the duration of a good five minute's time. Because these folks all looked like artsy druggies, Gung Ho deduced that it must have been a heroin fart. Neither of us have been around that drug enough to truly know what that might smell like, but it's a good theory.

On Saturday night, I had a guy's night out with my married buddies, and we had a blast. We were at one bar with the punching machine thing where it registers how hard you punch, and I decided to throw a high kick at the thing. I fanned on my first one, luckily not falling down, but my second attempt was a direct hit! It felt amazing, and I'm glad it didn't get me thrown out because I was having a ball in there.

I learned two new moves on this night:

1. If you want to sit down with a table of girls, it can be done without looking like an intruding asshole if you do it right. First off, you have to smile and establish eye contact with all three. Next, right off the bat, announce that you are going to intrude and annoy them for five minutes and five minutes only. That way, they laugh, and they can be relieved that you won't take up all their time. I pulled this off, talking to these young ladies who turned out to be college students. I felt more like a dad, asking them what they were studying in school and things, but still, I consider it to be a successful learning experience.

2. When you're on a dance floor, if you ever see a pair of girls, and one is dancing with a guy, if the other one seems to be looking around for something to do, that's the bomb time to swoop in there. This is a point where they are actually hoping someone will do that because otherwise they're dancing alone and feeling awkward. Of course, you can't go in there grinding away; instead, you must go with a non threatening maneuver, like the standard taking her hand and twirling her around and things. They love that. Well, some do. Luckily for Dr. Ken, the ones twirled last night were responding well to it.

Okay, that's all I got. Have fun out there, Seven Readers, and be sure to stay clear of heroin farts.

One more thing, I centered all of the text in this blog to make it look like a poem. I think that it tricks people into thinking that the crap I write is somehow important, right?


Just telling it like it is said...

My son farts in front of me all the time...even when I have the heat on in the car....he thinks I'm not a girl...oh so much to lkearn...keep this story to can't do anything about it

Gorilla Bananas said...

You have the makings of a very fine ladies man, Dr Ken.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

My nephews often try to blast farts in my face. They think I'm hilarious, but they also think I'm a big kid, which I kind of am. Shit . . . .

Gorilla: Yes, the makings, just not the fruition.

radioactive girl said...

I am laughing at the thing about feeling more like a dad to the college girls. I feel like that at school all the time, except a mom, not a dad of course. Did you feel inappropriate because you also thought they were hot? I feel like that at school. I see hot guys who I am almost old enough to be their mom and am totally conflicted.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: Yes, I feel like Rodney Dangerfield in "Back To School." I say you have your fun with those college boys. Give them a well rounded education.

TheDailyGrindstone said...

This cracked me up
"One more thing, I centered all of the text in this blog to make it look like a poem. I think that it tricks people into thinking that the crap I write is somehow important, right?"

Do you mind if I link your site in my blog?

JerseySjov said...

one of my favorite activities when im not having fun at the bar is crop dusting. nobody ever suspects the attractive girl swilling margaritas!

im glad that guys eventually learn how to make an approach that isnt gross or weird...if only more early-20-somethings in my general metropolitan area read your blog!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Daily: Link away, kind sir. Glad you dug it. I'll swing by your page in a sec and say hello.

Jov: Wow. A crop duster. I'm exposing you for this menacing act!! Just kidding.

Feel free to send your nit-wit 20-something male friends to me for counseling. I'm happy to help.