Thursday, January 30, 2014

Pet Monkeys

He had a monkey, and rumor has it, he "beat it."
Here's the thing: I'm tired of rich celebrities with pet monkeys.  They so rarely understand that monkeys aren't supposed to be pets, and they don't take the time to nurture the damn monkeys.  I heard Michael Jackson tormented Bubbles the chimp by poking him with sticks and stuff.  The other day I saw a picture of Beyonce kissing a monkey.  Now that is just wrong.  You know why?

Keep putting the hat back on, and he will just keep lifting it up to look for lice to eat, dumby.
Because I wanna' kiss a monkey, God damn it!  Actually, kissing is a bit much.  I just want to a monkey hug.  Just a few.  I know that a pet monkey is a lot of work, and I'm no less selfish than a celebrity, so just a monkey for a day would be fine.

Bieber just went to jail, and I've been wondering who is going to house his monkey.  I would gladly do the right thing and take in the monkey.  But just for a day.  No, I wouldn't teach him to drink or smoke or anything messed up like that, but I can't promise that he wouldn't try on some super awesome outfits, maybe a few Metallica shirts.

Monkeys are trending.

#Monkey.  #Monkeyforaday.  #Monkeyhugs.

I just set the blog record for use of the word monkey in this post.  I figure if I say monkey enough, the right monkey owner will contact me and let me hang out with their monkey for a day.  You all better say monkey a few times in the comments just for good measure.

She has a damn tiger cub too?  Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ on a pogo stick, that is cute!


Cocaine Princess said...

I really don't see what the big deal is with having a monkey for a pet but then again I've been a big fan of furry pets. But I suppose if I ever had the chance I wouldn't mind hugging one.

David Oliver said...

You know monkeys play with turds? At least I've heard they do. If you decide to get a hug from one, maybe you should check his fingernails first.

Mr. Shife said...

I think I smell a solid gold idea here Dr. Ken. You start a rent-a-monkey business and people can get their monkey fix but not deal with all of the stress. Of course that means you will have to deal with all that monkey bull shit so maybe this isn't solid gold after all. Monkeys are so complicated.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Coke: You really sound underwhelmed about a monkey hug.

David: No problem. We can hug and then I'll shower for sure. And try not to get bit so I don't get monkey AIDS or anything.

Shife: Rent-a-monkey!!! Is that inhumane? I can make this happen. Spreading happy monkey hugs all across America . . . . . . . .