Friday, February 28, 2014
These Are the Top 10 Awful People At the Bar. The People That You Meet Each Friday.
9. The Jaeger Bomber. You have already told this guy that you don't want to do any shots because you have to go into work the next morning, but every time you turn around there is a tray of shots coming your way, and usually something disgusting like Wild Turkey. You see, the Jaeger Bomber is not happy until we're all slobbering drunk and peeing on ourselves. Like him.
8. The Barfly Loner. He sits there alone every single night, knows all the staff members by name, and he is sipping his drinks and slowly killing himself. And that's totally fine, so long as he doesn't talk to us. It's when he chimes into everyone else's conversations that he becomes a problem. We know, you have it all figured out and know the answers to all the world's problems. But why haven't you found out how to avoid spending all your time and money perched at the end of this dark and dirty bar and dying a lonely death?
7. No Game and No Quit. Sometimes the ladies just want to go out and have a few drinks, maybe dance a little, and yes, meeting some cute guys is a bonus. However, you have got to know when your very presence has begun to ruin their night. There are some guys out there who just don't know when to cut bait and move on. Some men will tell you that all women are bitches, but the truth is they have to resort to being a monster bitch just to get guys like this to go away.
5. The Stumbler. He is blind drunk, falling over, making no sense, throwing up and falling asleep, but he won't leave! If the bouncers won't do the right thing, sometimes someone in his group of friends needs to physically grab his pickled ass and show him to a cab, and usually tell the cab driver where he lives and maybe pay him (as it doesn't seem as if he is capable of doing anything on his own at this point). Once everyone has had a good laugh and stored up enough stories to thoroughly embarrass him the next time you all get together, it will be well worth it to send this man home and absolve yourselves of babysitting duties.
4. The Inescapable Bad Conversation Guy: He has honed on you. Yes, he has chosen you to share his wisdom of a particularly boring topic, be it to which route to take to shave 3 minutes off your commute, who to draft in fantasy football, or how to totally own the chumps in your condo association. You have tried going to the bar to get a drink and going to take a pee, and you really didn't have to do either one - you just wanted to get away. But he will keep finding you because he has you pegged as someone too nice to tell him to please put more beer in his mouth and make less boring words come out of it.
3. The Crop Duster. The drinks are flowing, the music sounds good, everyone is looking beautiful, but suddenly there is the foul smell of rotten eggs blasting out of someones diseased intestines, and everyone is pulling their shirts over their noses, clearing out an entire section of the bar as fast as possible. And the worst thing about the Crop Duster is that he never owns up to it, so you could be talking to someone and will have to convince him/her that it wasn't your own putrid ass that just unleashed hell.
2. Fishhooks in the Pockets/Alligator Arms. You're out with all your friends, and every time it's this guy's turn to buy, he is sneaking outside for a smoke, to the men's room, or anywhere he and his wallet won't have to get involved. Or better yet, he wants $12 craft beers all night, but when it's his turn, it's Bud in cans all around for his men. What a swell guy!
A) All this being said, I think I have been, I have been 7 out of 10 of these fellas, and sometimes more than one in a night. But at least I'm conscious of which bar behaviors are bad, and that is half the battle. How about you?
B) Honorable mention goes the Overzealous Drinking Game Guy. He wants everyone to play his drinking games, but we just want to have good conversation. Is it possible he has nothing worthwhile to say, and that's why he insists on these stupid games? And what's more, I don't need rules to tell me when to pour gallons of booze down my gullet. I do just fine without being forced, so shut up, right? Should this guy crack the top 10, and if so, who should get bumped out?
C) Any other additions that you would like to submit?