Saturday, September 20, 2014

Okay, boys and girls.  I got a few topics in the memo thingy on my phone to talk to you all about.  Should be funny.  Here goes.

1. I used to get my haircuts at a place in Roscoe Village in Chicago that had a punk rock vibe, and I think you had to have at least a half dozen tattoos to work there.  When the gal working on me asked what I was doing I told her that I was helping a friend with dry wall in his condo.  She got excited about this and asked if I could help her out at her place.  Evidently her baby-daddy got pissed at her and punched a hole in the wall.  She seemed a little crazy, and by the sound of it, baby daddy was equally crazy and twice as violent.  Going over to her place sounded like sure fire way for Doctor Ken to a hole punched in his head, so I made an excuse to decline the offer.  I actually damn near leapt out of the chair with my hair half cut.
Dry Wall Punch: Makes You Feel Better.
2. I met up with my buddy's uncle last night.  I call him my uncle too.  He was nine or ten Schlitz deep as he was telling me that his work is trying to eliminate his position and trying to find a way to let him go.  Which might not be hard because apparently he called his boss an idiot.  Actually, it was his boss's boss, which sounds worse to me.  They sent him to the human resources guy who had his hair parted and draping high off of his head, spritzed down with aqua net, and when he talked his hair bounced around merily.  The HR guy said that it seemed as if Not-Uncle had a hard time looking him in the eye, and he inquired if maybe he had a hard time looking other coworkers in the eye, and he had to fight telling him that it was due to Not-Uncle being unable to take his eye off of HR guy's horrible parted hair bouncing around.  Had he knocked back one or two of those Schlitz at work, I'm quite sure he would have told him as much.  Not-Uncle is one of the funniest humans on planet earth.

Spray that part down and just watch it bounce!
3. I was at the doctor today because work has been stressful and making me break out with cole sores lately.  I guess it's herpes but not dick-herpes, thankfully.  But I don't want to give Mrs. Noisewater the gift that keeps on giving down in her nether regions the next time I decide to pay a visit to her . . .  Anyway, figured it's a good idea to get some good medication.  So the doctor is describing how people get it, and she says "You know, you might get it as a kid when an uncle kisses you and . . ."  I laughed my ass off and said, "What in the hell?!"  What crazy disease infested uncle is kissing his nephews on the lips?  I think she might want to rethink the vignettes she uses to illustrate these types of ailments.
"Come here and give your Uncle Rico a kiss."
4. Then when I'm walking home from the doctor, still mulling over the doctor's pervert uncle stories, I see a guy fighting with his girlfriend with his hands on his head and looking like he would rather be anywhere but on that corner right then.  More like she was fighting and he was just staring helplessly off in space.  A block later I saw another couple in the same scenario.  So I started singing "Run To the Hills" by Iron Maiden, as if to say run for the hills, young man!  I think this is a good idea to help out my fellow man.  Try this out some time, readers.

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading.


Gorilla Bananas said...

You've got The Herp? That's too bad. Jimmy Fungus says Rihanna got it too. Is there a treatment for completely de-herping yourself?

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Yeah but like I said, not dick herpes. But you can have the mouth kind and give someone the genital kind. And no, you got it for life.

JerseySjov said...

From what I understand, the "types" typically prefer either north or south, but theyre not picky enough to turn down a chance to colonize a nice damp hole.
I could have saved you a copay or two, but I just got rid of my Valcyte (I was on a daily antiviral 3months post surgery to keep me from getting anything the donor potentially had). I probably had like a month's worth laying around.

Jimmy Fungus said...

Wow, so if you have cold sores on your mouth that means your uncle gave you herpes? I learn a lot from reading this blog. Though even at that age I would have known to run like hell when Uncle Rico tried to slobber all over me.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: Herpes is just looking for a "nice damp hole," no different than the rest of us.

Jimmy: Everyone has an uncle with a wild past, like an uncle that used to be a Skid Row guitar tech, or whatever. That brand of uncle always has some klller VD.

UPDATE: No herpes. Blood tests came back negative for dick herpes and the other herpes. Hooray!