Top 3 'I'm Not That Into You' Songs

We often hear about the greatest love songs of all time, but what about the most apathetic sentiments of all time? You know, songs about those people you're seeing, who you certainly don't hate, but you're nowhere near loving them. I think you'll agree that these are three fine choices. So, without further ado, The Gancer brings you the Top 3 'I'm Not That Into You' Songs of all time:

3. Stay by Pink Floyd. In the first verse there is no way to tell that unassuming keyboardist Rick Wright is not into the philly to which he sings:
Stay and help me to end the day.
And of you don't mind,
We'll break a bottle of wine.
Stick around and maybe we'll put one down,
Because I wanna find what lies behind those eyes.

Then the next morning he wakes up and does a total 180:
I rise, looking through my morning eyes,
Surprised to find you by my side.
Rack my brain to try to remember your name
To find the words to tell you goodbye.

I wonder what words he chose to tell her goodbye? I have a good friend, who's fear of commitment and confrontation exceeds even mine, who sets the alarm on his phone to go off in the morning as if it were ringing when he's doing a "road show", so that he can fake a phone call and get out of there. Buddy, if you're reading, you're a sick man, but that's pure genius.

2. Stay With Me by Faces, off of the A Nod Is as Good as a Wink to a Blind Horse LP, which could easily make a top three list of best album titles. This song tells the story of a guy trying to lure a young lady upstairs to read his "tarot cards," which is really code for bumping fuzzies. I've always said, "Would you care to see my painting?" ANYWAY, the narrator then offers the "jezebel" cab fare and use of his "best cologne" if she agrees to not be there in the morning when he wakes up. What a stone, cold pimp!!

1. Saturday Savior by Failure. Yikes! These lyrics speak for themselves:
I'M NEVER GONNA SAY THE WORDS
THAT YOU WANT
I'M NEVER GONNA FEEL THE SHAME
LIKE YOU DO
I'M NEVER GONNA STRETCH MY SHAPE
TO BE WITH YOU
I ONLY NEED YOU FOR A DAY
'CAUSE I ONLY WANNA BE YOUR

SATURDAY SAVIOUR
I CAN BE THAT
SATURDAY SAVIOUR
I WILL BE YOUR
SATURDAY SAVIOUR
I CAN BE THAT IMPOSTER IN YOUR BED
WAKE HIM UP PLEASE

I'M NEVER GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL
THAT YOU'RE SATISFIED
I'M NEVER GONNA FEEL YOUR PAIN
LIKE YOU WISH I WOULD
I'M NEVER GONNA OPEN UP
MORE THAN THIS
I JUST WANNA BE YOUR
I JUST WANNA BE YOUR

I'M NEVER GONNA BREAK APART
QUITE LIKE YOU
I'M NEVER GONNA LONG FOR LIFE
THE WAY YOU DO
I'M NEVER GONNA PUSH YOU OUT
'CAUSE YOUR NOT IN
THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A WHILE
'CAUSE I ONLY WANT TO BE YOUR

Although he's a little harsh, you have to admire how up front this guy is, because it would be worse to lead her on, right? Congratulations, Failure, on placing number one on The Gancer's all-time 'I'm Not That Into You' songs.

Hey, seven readers, do you have any other nominations?

Twenty, Twenty, Twenty-Four Hours Ago, I Wanna' Be Bar Mitzvahd

Despite being 0% Jewish, I want to be Bar Mitzvahd in the worst way. In Jewish tradition, according to wikipedia.com, maybe not the best source, but certainly the easiest source for my lazy ass to use, "when Jewish children reach the age of maturity (12 years for girls, 13 years for boys) they become responsible for their actions. At this point a boy is said to become Bar Mitzvah (Hebrew: בר מצוה, "one (m.) to whom the commandments apply," So, until my bar mitzvah, the commandments do not apply, and I'm not responsible for any pre-Bar Mitzvah actions! That being the case, I plan on having some wild weekends leading up to my big day. That brings me to the first reason I have a hankering for a Bar Mitzvah, I think it's time that I make some changes in my life, and I should start to live according to some principals. Not necessarily Jewish principals, but some hand-selected, secular ones I will decide on, and live according to from that day forward. Maybe I'll let people at the party vote on them. The wheels are turning now . . .

More importantly, Bar Mitzvah is about a boy becoming a man, a status I am nowhere near at this point, but I need to get there. Why am a such a man-child at the age of 30? I could maybe point the blame at my upbringing, my surroundings, my drinking, my friends, my decision making, or any number of other things, but I blame it on my lack of Bar Mitzvah!! I am becoming a man, readers, and you're all invited!

Which brings me to my third, and most important, reason why I need to have a badass, Bar Mitzvah party: I love a good party! There will be lots of booze flowing the day The Gancer becomes a man, ladies and gents, and I've decided heavy metal legends Anthrax are playing. I think they'd turn that motha' out, and I figure I can get them to do it if I get someone to put it on TV, since Scott Ian's long, stupid beard is on 2000's era VH1 more than Gloria Estefan and Phil Collins were on early 1990's era VH1. They for sure are going to play a killer, ear drum busting, heavy-ass version of I'm the Man, since the Hava Nagila riff is in the song. Also, how perfect a song title for such an occasion, right? This is really coming together. Another reason Scott Ian could be persuaded is that he is himself a Jewish man, and according to jewsrock.org, yes there is such a site, "Born Jewish, guitarist Dan Spitz has been a Jew for Jesus since 2001." I would look up what the fiddler's fuck being a Jew for Jesus entails, but there's no time for that! There's too much to plan and so much to do!

Expect an invitation soon. This is my 94th post, so maybe my 100th will simply be an invite, and posting a yes in the comments section will mean you are cordially invited to the event of the season and the most kick ass Bar Mitzvah you've ever fucking seen.

Tour De Franzia and Edward 40's Hands

One of my former roommates was always pushing for a Tour De Franzia night. Have you heard of this? I did a little research, and although there are many variations in rules and regulations, essentially it involves two teams drinking the shit out of boxes of Franzia wine. Some people require that the bag of wine be taken out of the box for the sole purpose of slapping the bag like it's a fat rear end and watching it jiggle after each gulp. Uniforms are also a must, complete with matching helmets and spandex for each team. The headache the next day would be excruciating, but the satisfaction one would feel after ringing out that bag of Franzia, and giving that empty bag the final slap would make it all worth while and time well spent.

How about Edward 40's Hands, when you duct tape 40 ounces of malt liquor to each hand, so that essentially all you can do is drink malt liquor until they're both finished? No going to the bathroom either, unless you know someone willing to unzip your pants, take out your thing, shake it, and put it away. You wouldn't be able to trim the bushes in your backyard nearly as well as Johnny Depp, but you'd get a helluva lot drunker.

What do you think, readers? Which of these two games would you play? Which one would you be better at?

I went on a trip to Arizona for a bachelor party/Cubs spring training outing, and these are the highlights, in no particular order:

- Because my buddy is Asian-Indian American, many of the guys at the bachelor party were of the same descent, six in fact, which left six white dudes. So, when picking softball teams, it only seemed logical to have a brown on white match-up. Sadly, white boyz lost 4 to 2, despite my late inning, two-run double, charged by the following comment, made by someone on the Brown team when they had held us scoreless for eight innings: "Didn't your people invent this game?"

- To make the meaningless spring training game against the Oakland Athletics interesting we employed heavy drinking, via the big, white buckets of beer the vendor was cool enough to let us keep buying, and gambling, which was in the form of betting on what a guy in a certain spot of the line-up did with each at bat. I picked late and had the seventh hitter, but Buck Coats came through with a lot of hits, and one of the best cowboy names ever. There was also a pitcher for the Cubbies named Rocky Cherry, which, side-bar, is a good porno actor name, so we hummed the Rocky theme until he threw us a ball for the bachelor.

- Don't ever travel with an expired license. I had to go through the crazy security when you stand in that box and I got blasted with hard bursts of air, which scares the shit out of you, even if they forewarn you, and tell you not to be startled. They also opened up my bag and threw out all my toiletries, some of which were expensive, like my hair gel and my oil of oilay face soap. Okay, that is super-gay, but I have sensitive skin, damn it, or shoud I say, thenthitive thkin. They must have been worried that I had a plot to blow up the plane with the world's gayest, toiletry bomb. Anyway, the ID continued to cause me problems when an a-hole working the door at a bar wouldn't let me in because it was expired. I know it's a college town, but come on, I'm 30! He just didn't want my old balls in there . . .

- When we left a bar called cherry-something, which had pole-dancing girls in their underwear, yet it wasn't a strip club, because there were tons of female patrons, we saw a car accident RIGHT in front of the bar with everyone loitering outside to see it. If I were sober I would have been like, "Oh, man. That sucks." But, because I was fit shaced, I was like, "Oh snap! Did you see that," and I took pictures of the beat-up, smoking car with my cell phone. Moments later we saw a bunch of guys beating up one fat kid. That was also an awesome sight to behold, but not if you were the fat kid, I imagine.

Laziest Post EVER

This week's post is at The Liar's Club