Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I went on a trip to Arizona for a bachelor party/Cubs spring training outing, and these are the highlights, in no particular order:

- Because my buddy is Asian-Indian American, many of the guys at the bachelor party were of the same descent, six in fact, which left six white dudes. So, when picking softball teams, it only seemed logical to have a brown on white match-up. Sadly, white boyz lost 4 to 2, despite my late inning, two-run double, charged by the following comment, made by someone on the Brown team when they had held us scoreless for eight innings: "Didn't your people invent this game?"

- To make the meaningless spring training game against the Oakland Athletics interesting we employed heavy drinking, via the big, white buckets of beer the vendor was cool enough to let us keep buying, and gambling, which was in the form of betting on what a guy in a certain spot of the line-up did with each at bat. I picked late and had the seventh hitter, but Buck Coats came through with a lot of hits, and one of the best cowboy names ever. There was also a pitcher for the Cubbies named Rocky Cherry, which, side-bar, is a good porno actor name, so we hummed the Rocky theme until he threw us a ball for the bachelor.

- Don't ever travel with an expired license. I had to go through the crazy security when you stand in that box and I got blasted with hard bursts of air, which scares the shit out of you, even if they forewarn you, and tell you not to be startled. They also opened up my bag and threw out all my toiletries, some of which were expensive, like my hair gel and my oil of oilay face soap. Okay, that is super-gay, but I have sensitive skin, damn it, or shoud I say, thenthitive thkin. They must have been worried that I had a plot to blow up the plane with the world's gayest, toiletry bomb. Anyway, the ID continued to cause me problems when an a-hole working the door at a bar wouldn't let me in because it was expired. I know it's a college town, but come on, I'm 30! He just didn't want my old balls in there . . .

- When we left a bar called cherry-something, which had pole-dancing girls in their underwear, yet it wasn't a strip club, because there were tons of female patrons, we saw a car accident RIGHT in front of the bar with everyone loitering outside to see it. If I were sober I would have been like, "Oh, man. That sucks." But, because I was fit shaced, I was like, "Oh snap! Did you see that," and I took pictures of the beat-up, smoking car with my cell phone. Moments later we saw a bunch of guys beating up one fat kid. That was also an awesome sight to behold, but not if you were the fat kid, I imagine.


K.I.D. said...

Where are the pics? Post 'em!

K.I.D. said...

...of the car wreck. Shoulda specified.

Kadonkadonk said...

Maybe the bouncer didn't let you in because you are a white 30-year old that says "Oh snap!"

Kadonkadonk said...

One time I got drunk and in response to a questions replied:

"Whaaa? That's Ludacris! You know, 'Back seat, windows up, that's the way we like to fuck' - LUDACRIS!"

And I was doing the white person cabbage patch well I 'rapped' it, so I think I win though.

Jay said...

It would have been better to see one fat kids beating up a bunch of guys

Anonymous said...

That sounds like an awesome time! That's hilarious about you oil of olay. You crack me up bro!

mysterygirl! said...

Protecting your skin is important, especially when drinking in the relentless Arizona sun. I hope you replaced your Oil of Olay!

classyandfancy said...

Highlight One: Definitely racist. I'm glad the minorities wooped your asses after writing quadratic equations on the diamond.

Highlight Two: I still think a Rocky/Cherry Pie medley would have made him angry enough lead the Cubs to a win. (That will be the last time you will see two of those words in a sentence from me).

Highlight Three: Umm, haven't you been thirty for awhile? You are totally Judas Priesting.

Highlight Four: Such an avant garde photo especially if you throw in a pole dancer in the background.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Oil of Olay, huh?? I think my grandma used to use that shit.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

k.i.d.: Don't know how. The hood really was smoking though, and I remember saying we should leave before it blew up.

kadonkadonk: "Back seat! Windows up! Hilarious.

Jay: I hope the fat kid got sweet revenge.

mystery: I need to get my ass to The Jewel (grocery store) to buy some more, and then maybe I'll do a post about how hot the girls at The Jewel are.

Classy: Yeah! With the pole dancer in the background it could be an ad for the place, like people are stopping to look at the sexiness of this bar, and they're getting in car accidents as a result.

Mighty: Does your granny have any extra bottles of "the stuff?"

Mood Indigo said...

I for one appreciate a guy who has good face soap. There's nothing worse than waking up after an unplanned sleepover and having to brush your teeth with your finger and your face with lever 2000. Bring on the Oil of Olay!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I resent the Oil of Olay comment.

Why do you have an expired license??

ReckenRoll said...

Baseball= 9 innings of beer drinking. Truly a great American past time. I can't imagine why the Europeans can't get behind it!

It's sad the Mariners suck so much now.

Ms Smack said...

did you take pics of the beating up?

did the fat kid hit their car?


oh, i dig the fact that you take care of your skin; just keep away from my shoes and we'll get along fine.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mood: I'm glad you're digging the olay! That's simply how I roll.

1. Sorry if I offended you. : (
2. Because I'm lazy and not observant.

Reck: I'm very giddy for baseball right now. Wrigley Field is like Mecca to me.

Smack: No pics of the beat down. If you wore a size 13 I'd SO borrow your shoes.

mysterygirl! said...

You don't have to explain-- I used to live right near the Jewel on Southport.

I have a question for you-- it's Chicago-related, not a personal question or anything, but it would be dumb to leave in your comments. Holla at me if you feel like it. mysterygirl6@gmail.com

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mystery: Ooooh the Southport one would be full of even prettier people.