Saturday, March 17, 2007

Twenty, Twenty, Twenty-Four Hours Ago, I Wanna' Be Bar Mitzvahd

Despite being 0% Jewish, I want to be Bar Mitzvahd in the worst way. In Jewish tradition, according to wikipedia.com, maybe not the best source, but certainly the easiest source for my lazy ass to use, "when Jewish children reach the age of maturity (12 years for girls, 13 years for boys) they become responsible for their actions. At this point a boy is said to become Bar Mitzvah (Hebrew: בר מצוה, "one (m.) to whom the commandments apply," So, until my bar mitzvah, the commandments do not apply, and I'm not responsible for any pre-Bar Mitzvah actions! That being the case, I plan on having some wild weekends leading up to my big day. That brings me to the first reason I have a hankering for a Bar Mitzvah, I think it's time that I make some changes in my life, and I should start to live according to some principals. Not necessarily Jewish principals, but some hand-selected, secular ones I will decide on, and live according to from that day forward. Maybe I'll let people at the party vote on them. The wheels are turning now . . .

More importantly, Bar Mitzvah is about a boy becoming a man, a status I am nowhere near at this point, but I need to get there. Why am a such a man-child at the age of 30? I could maybe point the blame at my upbringing, my surroundings, my drinking, my friends, my decision making, or any number of other things, but I blame it on my lack of Bar Mitzvah!! I am becoming a man, readers, and you're all invited!

Which brings me to my third, and most important, reason why I need to have a badass, Bar Mitzvah party: I love a good party! There will be lots of booze flowing the day The Gancer becomes a man, ladies and gents, and I've decided heavy metal legends Anthrax are playing. I think they'd turn that motha' out, and I figure I can get them to do it if I get someone to put it on TV, since Scott Ian's long, stupid beard is on 2000's era VH1 more than Gloria Estefan and Phil Collins were on early 1990's era VH1. They for sure are going to play a killer, ear drum busting, heavy-ass version of I'm the Man, since the Hava Nagila riff is in the song. Also, how perfect a song title for such an occasion, right? This is really coming together. Another reason Scott Ian could be persuaded is that he is himself a Jewish man, and according to jewsrock.org, yes there is such a site, "Born Jewish, guitarist Dan Spitz has been a Jew for Jesus since 2001." I would look up what the fiddler's fuck being a Jew for Jesus entails, but there's no time for that! There's too much to plan and so much to do!

Expect an invitation soon. This is my 94th post, so maybe my 100th will simply be an invite, and posting a yes in the comments section will mean you are cordially invited to the event of the season and the most kick ass Bar Mitzvah you've ever fucking seen.

17 comments:

Grad School Reject said...

You had me at your Scott Ian reference. Anthrax would totally rock the house, and while you are crecruiting performers for your party you should try and get Public Enemy to come so that they can recreate the alltime best "mash-up" of "Bring the Noise." I'll keep an eye out for my invite [walks away doing angry white-boy rap motions while yelling "Step up sucka understand, don't you know that I'M THE MAN...]

Steph said...

Cool. Can I bring fifty or so of my closest friends?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Is the Bar Mitzvah when they cut off your penis?

tfg said...

I won't be able to attend your Bar Mitzvah, but pencil me in for your Bris.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Grad: I had like 3 'Thrax posters in my room as a kid, including the cover of Spreading the Disease, which was quite ominous.

Steph: Yes. Bring your 89 readers, and like all 89 faces.

Mighty: That would be counterproductive if my hope is to BECOME a man. Well, I might have to ask you to stand in for me during that part of the ceremony.

tfg: Thanks for coming by, you robotic Gumby-looking son-of-a-gun. Dude, I already shed the foreskin, but maybe I'll have a Bris party and just pierce my foreskin instead.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: I meant to say LICK, like in your picture, but yeah, like all the faces too, I suppose.

Kadonkadonk said...

I'm starting with a Seder and working my way up to a Bat Mitzvah. I support all goy wannabes - so count me in!

5 of 9er said...

I'm game! Anthrax and booze... there will be booze right? sounds like one hell of a time.

classyandfancy said...

Two Conditions: 1)It must have a theme 2) Yo la Tengo must play

Anonymous said...

How the heck did you come up with that idea?

chuckdaddy2000 said...

Champagne

Snowball

Would Anthrax be able to pull of singing Yesterday for the Most Romantic Couple contest?

mysterygirl! said...

I'm just excited for the fact that I am not responsible for my own decisions, never having had such a ceremony. Sweet!

I'll totally come to your Bar Mitzvah, Dr. K. I'll bring a check.

K.I.D. said...

I've just ordered my yarmulke. Can't wait to take it for a test drive!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kadonk: Glad you are supportive of wannabe's like myself.

Niner: Anthrax and booze is a winning combination, unless you're talking about Anthrax like the cow disease.

Classy: Great call with the Yo La! They DO have a guy named Ira, right?

Chuck: Yes, but it would be a REALLY fast version, so the happy couple would have to pick up the pace.

Mystery: A check would be good for me! Hey, did your folks pick a brunch spot?

KID: Whatever a Yamulke is, bring TWO for me.

Mr. Shife said...

Holy Kosher Balls! I look forward to the invite. Are you going to grow a cool beard?

hamburger helper said...

dr. ken -

i must say i'm a bit unimpressed by your bar mitzvah plans.

first of all, the actual ceremony requires some pretty heavy lifting, we don't just hand out adulthood. you've gotta work for it. let me know when you're planning your event, and i'll get you the correct torah portion to memorize and analyze. better start brushing up on your hebrew!

secondly, you're party is just going to consist of anthrax and booze? while i'm always an anthrax fan, a bar mitzvah party is basically a wedding reception. there are invitations, passed stuffed mushrooms and spring rolls, a lovely meal from tel aviv catering, seating arrangements, centerpieces, and matching table linens.

you're gonna have to put in a little more effort if you expect anything from our people.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: Already working on the beard, don't you worry.

Helper: Sorry if I've offended you, Helper. I hadn't really planned on anything after the Anthrax and booze. That memorizing stuff is for the bird, unless it's Anthrax lyrics.