Despite being 0% Jewish, I want to be Bar Mitzvahd in the worst way. In Jewish tradition, according to wikipedia.com, maybe not the best source, but certainly the easiest source for my lazy ass to use, "when Jewish children reach the age of maturity (12 years for girls, 13 years for boys) they become responsible for their actions. At this point a boy is said to become Bar Mitzvah (Hebrew: בר מצוה, "one (m.) to whom the commandments apply," So, until my bar mitzvah, the commandments do not apply, and I'm not responsible for any pre-Bar Mitzvah actions! That being the case, I plan on having some wild weekends leading up to my big day. That brings me to the first reason I have a hankering for a Bar Mitzvah, I think it's time that I make some changes in my life, and I should start to live according to some principals. Not necessarily Jewish principals, but some hand-selected, secular ones I will decide on, and live according to from that day forward. Maybe I'll let people at the party vote on them. The wheels are turning now . . .
More importantly, Bar Mitzvah is about a boy becoming a man, a status I am nowhere near at this point, but I need to get there. Why am a such a man-child at the age of 30? I could maybe point the blame at my upbringing, my surroundings, my drinking, my friends, my decision making, or any number of other things, but I blame it on my lack of Bar Mitzvah!! I am becoming a man, readers, and you're all invited!
Which brings me to my third, and most important, reason why I need to have a badass, Bar Mitzvah party: I love a good party! There will be lots of booze flowing the day The Gancer becomes a man, ladies and gents, and I've decided heavy metal legends Anthrax are playing. I think they'd turn that motha' out, and I figure I can get them to do it if I get someone to put it on TV, since Scott Ian's long, stupid beard is on 2000's era VH1 more than Gloria Estefan and Phil Collins were on early 1990's era VH1. They for sure are going to play a killer, ear drum busting, heavy-ass version of I'm the Man, since the Hava Nagila riff is in the song. Also, how perfect a song title for such an occasion, right? This is really coming together. Another reason Scott Ian could be persuaded is that he is himself a Jewish man, and according to jewsrock.org, yes there is such a site, "Born Jewish, guitarist Dan Spitz has been a Jew for Jesus since 2001." I would look up what the fiddler's fuck being a Jew for Jesus entails, but there's no time for that! There's too much to plan and so much to do!
Expect an invitation soon. This is my 94th post, so maybe my 100th will simply be an invite, and posting a yes in the comments section will mean you are cordially invited to the event of the season and the most kick ass Bar Mitzvah you've ever fucking seen.