Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The First Gentleman

Did you know that's what they'll call Bill Clinton if his wife wins the election? That's right, First Gentleman. It makes sense, I guess, since gentleman is the counterpart to lady in the expression "ladies and gentlemen." It just sounds damn funny, but a little classy too, right? It got me thinking, what The Gancer (Dr. Kenneth Noisewater) would be like if asked to be our nation's first First Gentleman. My first thought was that I'd be a freeloading, half-assed, homemaker loser, but I think the K Fed comparisons would be enough to drive me out of the White House and into the work force. I would also engage in some other endeavors . . .


1. I'd nag my wife incessantly until she appointed me Secretary of Rock. Man, that has a nice ring to it! First Gentleman or not, somebody should appoint me to that post, because I'd be awesome at it. I think I'd have to dress the part, like maybe a Dee Snyder look, but with a judge's robe. If I deemed something too sucky and/or wussy, I would launch a formal investigation and scrutinize chumps like Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. One too many "nays" from my committee, who would be all appointed by me, and most likely would consist of my drinking buddies, and Rob would be Josh Homme's (from Queens of the Stone Age) guitar tech for a year-long, probationary period until Rob learned how to better rock and suck/wus-out less.

2. Since some past First Ladies have championed women's rights, maybe The Gancer could be a strong proponent of Man's Rights. Here would be some of my Man's Rights causes

A) I would have the Lorena Bobbit decision over-turned. I mean, yeah, the guy is an abusive moron and a lousy excuse for a human being, but did he deserve to have his penis lopped off? Maybe so, but should she have gotten away scott free? I demand some punishment, because it's setting a dangerous and downright scary, especially if you're a man who values his penis, precedent. To avoid such a precedent, I would have her serve one day in prison or one day fluffing Ron Jeremy, whichever she wants.
B)How about a two hour period of time in which a wife is not allowed to talk to her husband, like during an important ball game, as if he could hear half of what she's saying then anyway . . .
C) Come to think of it, I'm not too big on these Man Rights. All this misogyny is starting to make me feel like Mighty Dykerson, and while I love his work, it's making me uncomfortable.

3. Help me out here, seven readers, what other responsibilities do you think I should have? What would you do? Female readers, what would you like from your First Gentleman if you were a lady President?

25 comments:

Mr. Shife said...

People should get their own theme music. So when you walk into a building your music plays once you make your grand entrance. Or everyone should have a midget army at their disposal.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'll take that as a compliment.

Drunken Chud said...

damn, shife is on point with that. i would love the theme song bit. problem is the amount of people that would have "real american", "the imperial march", "eye of the tiger" and "the theme from the a-team" would get a bit annoying. now, if we could have multiple theme songs that would be cool. for work my theme song would be primus "my name is mud". when i go to the bar it would be notorious B.I.G "big papa". when i roll up 'in da club' it would be akon "i wanna fuck you". and then my general theme song would be queen "princes of the universe". yeah, i'm a little bit pimp.

as for other responsibilities as the secretary of rock... open season on everything EMO. EMO "rockers" and all Emo kids. if you have you emo hair, or an emo myspace you are fair game. anything that rhymes with emo, or sounds like emo, or has emo in it are banned. this means the words: emotion, hemophelia, hemostat, hemorrhoid, et al would be banned.

ADW said...

National Lap Dance Day. Seriously, Stripper appreciation Day?

Sunshine McThunderkitty said...

I'd like my
First Gentleman to be in charge of sexual re-education so that no woman would ever have to be put in the position of being with a man who was under the misguided impression that it would be enjoyable for her to be fucked with a cigar...this might also go towards helping decrease the incidence of Bobbit-like stuations.

5 of 9er said...

Secretary of Rock... classic!

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife: OR, how about a good song kicks in when I sick my army of midgets on someone?

Mighty: It was meant that way.

Chudley: I Am a Real American would be GREAT! I'm all for banning the sissified EMO crap.

ADW: Only a former Hooters worker would support such things. I'm all for lap dance day.

Sunshine: Wait, the cigar had the little tube over it, so it was okay. You know, it wouldn't crumble in there or anything . . .

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner: Thanks, buddy. I was kind of proud of that one.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I had to stop reading after the "Dee Snyder look with the judges robe." Because I think I can actually see you pulling that off.

Fever Dog said...

If you were first gentleman to a lady president, does this mean you would have to support her even after she's found out having it away with the interns?

classyandfancy said...

As President, I would make the First Gentleman take care of the First pandas and teach them a choreographed rhythmic gymnastics routine which he too will partake.

I would let him organize a monthly concert on the White House lawn, but I would have veto power over the artists, and absolutely NO Oasis.

mysterygirl! said...

Classyandfancy for President!

The First Gentleman should have a replica of his favorite outfit placed in the First Ladies' Dresses exhibit at the Smithsonian. He also needs a pet cause, like literacy or AIDS prevention. You could think of something cooler.

I can't think of anything better than Secretary of Rock.

zen wizard said...

I am guessing he will be sort of like an elected Prince Philip, without the fox hunting, but with more sex (fortunately for his sake, not with the President).

Step Right Up said...

Pick up after yourself, don't fart in my presence to the extent that it is no longer funny, be spontaneous, pay attention to me now and then, let me know you appreciate me, be faithful, walk the dog when it's cold outside, compliment me from time to time...basically most things that women want from men.

Step Right Up said...

As for any causes you may consider promoting, forget it. You won't have time with the above listed Presidential needs.

Alannah said...

Minister of Rock would be another good title - it's Euro-fancy.

First Gentleman needs pet causes. Instead of reading to school children, or writing books about the First Dog, why don't you work to save all the best dive bars, diners, roadside cafes, bowling alleys, skating rinks and other relics of the awesome bygone era. You could be the Preservationist of Americana or something.

Eve said...

Secretary of Rock! Love it. As President, I would reserve veto power over the Secretary of Rock. Seriously. No Queen, except maybe Under Pressure.

Oh, and ditto to Sunshine McThunderkitty.

And didn't John Bobbitt have a short-lived porn career? Talk about a silver lining...

Legaleagle said...

First Gentleman, huh -- who wears the pants in that relationship?

Secretary of Rock? I was just reminded of Jack Black. Hmmmmm....

Ms Smack said...

Overseas diplomat to Adelaide female bloggers

Steph said...

If you were my first gentleman, you'd be on call for foot massages and oral sex all damn day!

w00t!

Mr. Shife said...

I think I would like it if they called Bill the First Bubba.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: I could totally pull that off, and you KNOW it.

Fever: All her interns would be hot-ass, young girls. That way I get to look at them, and if she hooks up with any of them, that's just an added bonus.

Classy: Just for that, I'm having a panda rock band play Champaign Supernova on your front lawn.

Mystery: My outfit that will go down in history will be my every day attire: A Soprano's jumpsuit.

Zen: Imagine Bill and Phillip out on the town. I would travel in their wake trying to get their leftovers.

Step: Jeez, that's a lot of work. What's a harder job? Being a good husband or a single president?

Legal: She would be wearing the pants, and that's fine, because I'd be the Secretary of Rock.

Smack: That is truly a noble cause!

Steph: If my wife were the president, I'd be doing both those things, under her desk, sometimes both at once.

Shife: First Bubba!!!! You're my dog, Shife.

K.I.D. said...

You could be a style icon like Jackie was...an inspiration to men everywhere.

Jenny! said...

The 1st Gentleman could work with the laundry room of the White House to make sure that no stains were leaked to the President! He might be the 1st Gent. to have his penis chopped by the Secret Service!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

k.i.d.: Great call! A style icon . . . Do you think my Dee Snyder-inspired outfit would take off?

Jenny: Cleaning up Mrs. President's naughty stains for her? That sounds horrible. You've ruined my dreams . . .