Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Moments After Waking Up This Morning . . .

I cranked out maybe one of the loudest, most ungodly farts that's ever had the pleasure of exiting my asshole in its 30-year existence. Before I could bask in the glory of such an accomplishment, as I often do after farts of this magnitude, my heart sunk at the realization that my special lady-friend was lying next to me. Keep in mind, I've only been seeing this gal a short while, and up until this morning, I had not yet ripped ass in her presence. My first thought was, maybe she's sleeping, which is possible, but I don't think it's possible she slept THROUGH it, since it was, as I said earlier, quite a fart. So, then I was pretty sure she must have heard it, but I had waited too long after the fart to comment upon it, so I just said nothing, which is worse than at least saying SOMETHING, right? She must be like, "Man, this guy just thinks he can fucking UNLOAD a fart like that and not say anything??"

Isn't it crazy how we hold our farts in and pretend we don't shit for the first few months we're dating someone? Come on, we all poo and fart, right? I learned that when I was two when I read Everybody Poops, so why is it that I go through such great lengths trying to convince all the women in Chicago that I've never floated a brown trout? You may not believe this, well, if you've been reading a while you probably will, but sometimes I'll go over to a girl's house, like after work, and be like, "Is it cool if I take a quick shower? I just feel really gross." Then I'll turn the shower on, cut one off, and rinse off in the shower right quick. She can't hear me grunting, farting, or flushing, and my asshole is clean as a whistle after the shower. The perfect crime!* But why do I try to fool these women into thinking that I don't make poops or farts? Is that really a better scenario in her mind if she really believes I don't poop? What would that make me? An alien? A robot? A Terminator? Does she really want to date The fucking Terminator?

How about you seven readers, that is, if you're still willing to read after such a low-brow post: Tell me a good poo or fart related dating story or just tell me if you've farted or pooped in front of your current partner, or tell me about the first time you did with a previous partner.

* You're free to use this trick, seven readers. Let me know how everything comes out. Get it? Comes out . . .


K.I.D. said...

Ahahaahah! I've so been in your shoes.

But anyway, why upset the delicate balance of the first few months? Nasty smells and noises just make people uncomfortable. You need to be in the "unconditional love" phase for farting and pooing to be part of the equation. Until then, hold it in as best you can.

Girl in a Guy's World said...

I've had this exact conversation before!

At work (yes, I can do The Duece at work because I spend more time there than I do at home), we have a system that if someone should avoid the bathroom because The Browns have just been taken to the Super Bowl, we'll tell the other "That wing is cloooosed!"

Everyone does it. But like a guy once dated said:
"I know you do it. I just don't want to think about you going poop while we're doing it, because THAT'S when it will pop into my head." This is probably why I don't date him anymore.

There are definately more times this has happened....

Mood Indigo said...

I have never actually "crapped my pants," but I had a friend who did once after a particularly bad case of food poisoning and ever-after the incident I would get completely paranoid that it would happen to me. I actually had my ex pull over one time when I was convinced I'd blown a load while driving home from dinner. He thought it was hilarious, especially when I confirmed I was, in fact, just being a hypochondriac of the worst kind. Serves me right for being the closet farter I am.

Come Back Brighter said...

Unfortunately, I don't have any shit related stories. I mean, I have plenty of shit ones, but that's not the same. But what did happen with your special lady? Did she say anything? Did she gag and throw up down the side of your bed?

phishez said...

I bet she was laughing quietly in her head, and didn't want to open her eyes and let you see that she was amused.

C'mon. Fart jokes are always funny.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Dude, there must be something in the air today - check out my post.

5 of 9er said...

Way to go!!! It's not healthy to hold in your farts... or hide things from a young relationship. Rip away!

Kritkrat said...

The only time I ever got annoyed with my ex is when he let one rip like that while I was... um, already down in that general area. But even though I was annoyed, I still had to crack up, because seriously, how can you not laugh at farts?

Jenny! said...

What's with you boys and all the assholes functions today??? The down side of being comfortable enough to fart and shit in front of someone is that it never stops. Shit happens...and I would rather have someone to talk to instead of going it alone!

Zen Wizard said...

I have never ripped one off in front of a significant other, and I am not sure why.

Though I will offer a potential remedy for the next time you do:

You: "BRRRRAAAAP!" (Pause...) "You know, in some cultures, that is viewed as complimenting the chef."

Her: "I haven't cooked for you since the night before last."

You: "And what a lovely meal that was! In fact, that must have been 'it'..."

Loaf said...

I think the time it became acceptable for me to let rip in the presence of my ex was around the time she thought it was alright to use the toilet while I was in the shower.

And really, is these the theme to the week between you and Cherry? I'm totally on board with that!

Eve said...

Oh man. Hahahahaha.

I woke myself (and my guy) up with a fart about a month ago. I accidentally opened the floodgates (his, not mine.)

And by the way, when you go "take a shower," you're not fooling anyone.

Congrats on the best fart ever though.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

That was you??! I thought I heard something around 7:30 this morning.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

I am in support of a burgeoning relationship moving from the naive-in-the-clouds-la-da-da phaze into the warts/farts/I-love-you-anyway phaze.

But has anyone else made the we-were-spooning-and-I-farted-mistake? I highly recommend avoiding this no matter how long you've been together.

mysterygirl! said...

I'm too repressed to know how to comment on this post! Poop! Poop!

Airam said...

What is it with Chicago and their "shit" posts lately!?!?!

You and [Cherry] have totally made my day yesterday!! This post was hilarious!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

k.i.d.: You're right about the unconditional love period. Great call! Until then I'll just hold everything in. Gulp!

Legal: So you'll drop a deuce-deuce, and then announce it to all your coworkers? Awesome. Do you give them a post-game show too?

Mood: Glad you averted disaster. Better safe than sorry when it comes to crapping your pants. That's what my grandpappy always said.

Fever: She said nothing. This morning she was over, and I blasted a series of three farts, like brraaaap, brrraaaap, braaaaaaaap! Same thing: I just forgot I had company.

Phishez: Farts are funny. They're shit without the mess, as George Carlin would say.

Cherry: There is something in the air: Me and Cherry's farts. They don't call Chicago the windy city for nothing.

Niner: Ripping, sir.

Kadonk: You finished "the job?" You're a great catch!

Jenny: So, you like a poop-buddy, huh? That's romantic. Was that in your wedding vows?

Zen: Hilarious. "Umm, Well, that fart was complimenting the dress you wore tonight . . ."

Loaf: That can make for a smelly, musty shower, what with all the hot and stinky air. That's true love.

Eve: Yeah, now you've done it. Open season for your "guy." Gentlemen, start your engines . . .

Mighty: Not bad, huh? It really was a doozy. Like, that was all the farting I had to do for the whole day!

Chuck: Spooning far is not good, especially if you're being spooned, since the fart will reverburate right into the person. Yeah, I can't spell that word. What's it to you!!

Mystery: Don't worry, there's no WRONG comment to this post.

Airam: Glad the "Windy City" could brighten your day.

Anonymous said...

while i've enjoyed reading all your comments about uncomfortable smelly moments, try being pregnant.

i, like the zen wizard, successfully made it through ten years of dating with out farting in front of a boy. but once you're knocked up, there is no holding back.

you fart ALL THE TIME and they're smellier, juicier, come on faster, and you simply can't hold them in. i'm surprised my husband hasn't stopped at the local army/navy supply store and picked up a gas mask.

ahh....the joys of marriage

ReckenRoll said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

everyone i first meet just thurps them out in front of me... maybe i don't warrant the finer degrees of human acceptance ... or maybe they take one look at me and realize i'm vulgar... whatever but that's the truth...
you gotta good thing going on here. I dropped in via friends of friends typa thing.
I'm at gledwood2.blogspot ~ come by any time and comment on my uncommentworthy posting
all the best

ReckenRoll said...

The truth? Girls talk. She's probably telling all her girlfriends right now and they are currently debating YOUR future.


maybe she's a heavy sleeper and you got away with it.

Could go either way really.

Grad School Reject said...

I am curious about your thoughts on the "dutch oven." Just the phrase makes me laugh.

And to answer your question, my wife and I treat poo/farts like Fight Club: Rule #1 - Nobody talks about Poo/Farts. Rule #2 - NOBODY TALKS ABOUT POO/FARTS

Girl in a Guy's World said...

Doc --

Just another reason I love this job of mine.

The Legal Eagle

Jenny! said...

No, but it's a stipulation in the pre-nup!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Helper: I've heard that pregnant women rip ass like crazy. That's sexy as hell.

Gled: Glad you stumbled upon my page. EVERYONE, check this dude's page out. He can write his ass off.

Reck: Well, if she is going to talk about me, I hope she tells her friends just how powerful a fart it was.

Legal: Are you a professional farter?

Jenny: That seems fair. With farts like the one I cranked out the other day, it may have to be discussed in the will too.

hawkeye23 said...

I am very proud to say that I hold the top 5 of the top 10 most vile, putrid, revolting and hideous farts ever produced in our relationship. Bloke is very disappointed, as I am more about quality rather than quantity. He farts often, but they're mostly the "non chewy" variety.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Hawkeye: Keep letting them rip! Sounds like you can really clear a room.