I cranked out maybe one of the loudest, most ungodly farts that's ever had the pleasure of exiting my asshole in its 30-year existence. Before I could bask in the glory of such an accomplishment, as I often do after farts of this magnitude, my heart sunk at the realization that my special lady-friend was lying next to me. Keep in mind, I've only been seeing this gal a short while, and up until this morning, I had not yet ripped ass in her presence. My first thought was, maybe she's sleeping, which is possible, but I don't think it's possible she slept THROUGH it, since it was, as I said earlier, quite a fart. So, then I was pretty sure she must have heard it, but I had waited too long after the fart to comment upon it, so I just said nothing, which is worse than at least saying SOMETHING, right? She must be like, "Man, this guy just thinks he can fucking UNLOAD a fart like that and not say anything??"
Isn't it crazy how we hold our farts in and pretend we don't shit for the first few months we're dating someone? Come on, we all poo and fart, right? I learned that when I was two when I read Everybody Poops, so why is it that I go through such great lengths trying to convince all the women in Chicago that I've never floated a brown trout? You may not believe this, well, if you've been reading a while you probably will, but sometimes I'll go over to a girl's house, like after work, and be like, "Is it cool if I take a quick shower? I just feel really gross." Then I'll turn the shower on, cut one off, and rinse off in the shower right quick. She can't hear me grunting, farting, or flushing, and my asshole is clean as a whistle after the shower. The perfect crime!* But why do I try to fool these women into thinking that I don't make poops or farts? Is that really a better scenario in her mind if she really believes I don't poop? What would that make me? An alien? A robot? A Terminator? Does she really want to date The fucking Terminator?
How about you seven readers, that is, if you're still willing to read after such a low-brow post: Tell me a good poo or fart related dating story or just tell me if you've farted or pooped in front of your current partner, or tell me about the first time you did with a previous partner.
* You're free to use this trick, seven readers. Let me know how everything comes out. Get it? Comes out . . .