Sunday, June 08, 2008

Kids Say the Deuchiest Things

I'm getting into full swing of my summer job, which sometimes means partying with people way younger than myself. Actually, the party I went to last night was at the same house as the party in a previous post.

I was making some observations while positioned on a balcony where, for whatever reason, very few guests ventured. This amounted to box seats for watching deuches in their natural habitat, and they came out in all variations . . .

Hula Deuche: There was a girl spinning a glowing hula hoop around with her whole body, using a slithering motion. All right, actually, that was more cool and sexy than it was deuchie. She got a golf clap from The Gancer.

Mouse Trap Deuche: A guy came storming out onto the balcony to ask for a "small rubber band" to jerry-rig a portion of the game Mouse Trap. I'm sure he was in college, but he looked 14. In his hastiness, he hadn't noticed that he locked himself out, but the rubber band was his chief concern. I felt like calling his parents to tell them that it looks as if their son has got into some heavy drugs, he's slipped into a Milton Bradley induced dementia, and his deuche baggery has reached alarming levels.

Deuchie Host: Actually, she's a good kid. I saw a big drum and asked if it was some sort of jungle juice. She told me that it had been numerous gallons of "pink pantie droppers," but it was now reduced to a few boozy pieces of fruit. Beer was scarce at the party too, but I was happy to celebrate her birthday, in spite of that and her suck-hole friends.

Deuche of the White Rhino Variety: He was a trendy black dude with a headband and, I'll say it, pretty eyes, and he looked a little like Lenny Kravitz, another big time D. Bag. He had me pinned into a corner of the kitchen, and he was going on and on and on and on and on about how pot will be legalized in the next ten to fifteen years, because of something or other about the government - perhaps based on something he had heard in his poli-sci class earlier that week. I then heard him throwing out some prices for some of his products. $50 for a bag of very "dank" pot and $65 for white rhino, or something like that. I'm so out of it when it comes to pot. I think he became aware of that when I said that I wouldn't mind seeing "dope" (I actually used that word) legalized, but I just can't picture it. Like, you walk into a liquor store and say, "I'll take a sixer of bud and some white rhino dope." He said something like, "Why do you call it dope? That implies anyone who smokes it is a dope." I would never imply anything like that, although, this guy certainly was.

My point is that kids are so sucky these days. Just to the right of the hula hoop girl, there was a hippy drum circle, and I think I saw a sitar. A sitar! Maybe kids have always sucked, but I just wish they weren't so trendy, and would just be themselves. I talked with one real cool kid for quite some time, who was celebrating not getting fired from his fish aquarium job (his "weed money job"), but other than him and maybe one other guy, it was a backyard full schmucks.

If I ever have kids some day, I'll be sure to tell my son, "At the first sign that you are becoming a d. bag, I'm punching you in the crotch. If that doesn't work, you're off to military school. If that doesn't take the deuche out of you, then I'm taking away your sitar.


Jake Titus said...

Sounds like a deuchbaggery epidemic. But what really sucks, is that if I went to that little shin dig, everyone would be asking "what deuchbag brought there dad?"

josh williams said...

Yep, been there. Whats even more pathetic is that no doubt there was romance, heartbreak and all the worlds problems solved by the young ones. Not that us older folk don't solve all the worlds problems after a few beers, but at least know when we wake up we were remember the rambling and earnest conversation, "jeez that was stupid".
So I try to stay with the humor bit, if I have the right crowd I say something not funny and stupid its still funny.
I'm not a sincere or active net worker so I just have to work with the right demographics. Get em high or drunk and they will laugh.

sequined said...

Here's a sign of douchieness: these shorts in long-pants form. I have seen those lately.

Another great part about these douche-y kids is how they think their lives are so intense. "I have been through so much shit in my life!" they insist, even though they've mostly lived completely normal and boring lives in suburbs. They all take themselves too seriously.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Two things:
1. I'd love to go to a party with a sitar.
2. I'm sure the golf clap you gave the hula girl will go very well with the clap she already has.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jake: An epidemic. Yes! It needed to be quarantined.

Josh: That's my idea audience too. High and drunk people keep my readership where it is (2 readers a day).

Seq: Terrific point! They'll tell you about that week where they had to go without their cell phone cause their dad cut off their minutes, and they had figure out how to operate a pay phone. Traumatic!

1. You would have loved this party, just for the people watching.
2. Well played! Hey, which one is "the clap?" Chlamydia? The Cubs had an awful reliever named Felix Heredia, and we called him Felix Chlamydia. Anyone remember him?

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

You should have sooo skipped that suck fest, come to Bmore and attended my house warming party. NO douches! NO lame "jungle juice" type-o-drinks! NO retarded convos regarding weed! NO running out of beers! And NO douches! Oh... and it was 80's music all night... with people who ACTUALLY remembered the 80's!!!

Zen Wizard said...

As I recall from the Sixties when they were trendy, sitars are VERY difficult to play.

Most of the bands in the Sixties just gave up and they came up with this machine that MADE a guitar sound like a sitar.

Modernly, there is probably some sampler or synthesizer that can sound like a sitar. I think Indian music plays quarter steps instead of half steps for one thing--half steps are the staple of Western music--like, A-flat, A, A-sharp, etc.


There is really no adequate term for a female douchebag, though some etymologists and linguists have suggested douchebaguette. Others have suggested "Bleeth"--though I am not sure what makes Yasmine Bleeth a douchebag, exactly.

I would define douchebag as, "Someone who blindly follows trends and peer pressure to ingratiate himself socially."

An obvious example is tribal tattoos when the wearer does not belong to an actual tribe, camouflage when the wearer is not or has never been in the military, etc. A motorcycle jacket without the requisite ownership and registration of a motorcycle would seem to be suspect--and I have been guilty of that.

Drunken Chud said...

ok, sequined, do they make those pants in fat guy sizes? cuz i would rock those out on a golf course.

ken, seriously, i was at a party one time where a bongo drum and guitar "jam session" broke out... i was sitting about 4 feet from them in the backyard. i stood up, beer in hand whipped the ol mini chud out and started pissing right fucking there. many applauded, many shrieked, all were happy the hippies were offended and stopped playing near us. i think they went next door to play after that. meh.

and i agree with you and sequined about kids taking themselves waaaay too seriously. i mean really. your life hasn't been that hard. you just make it hard. and even then it's not as though they're living on the streets giving handjobs for crack. but when you think back... we were that way too. if i had a dollar for every immature little fuck that says to me, "i think i'm mature for my age"... i'd be rich. NO! YOU'RE NOT MATURE FOR YOUR AGE! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY IT IF YOU WERE! I'D SAY IT FOR YOU! I WILL NOT AGREE WITH YOU! YOU ARE A D-BAG! I WAS A D-BAG WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE! YOU'LL GROW OUT OF IT... HOPEFULLY.

JerseySjov said...

not all kids are douches...if my friends and i went to that party, saw that there was a sitar and no booze we'd be out in a second.
then again, we're probably just a different brand of douche.

youth sucks.

...on second thought, no it doesn't.

Chardsy said...

Gancey, why in God's name were you at a party like that? Did the kids ask you to go buy more booze for them since you were the only one with a real I.D.?

Cherry's comment is amazing.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Wow. Just wow.

That's all I got Gancy.

pistols at dawn said...

That sounds hippariffic, and I wouldn't have lasted five minutes without screaming and/or punching a lot of people. I'm just too goddamned old to put up with anything involving a drum circle.

Sabina said...

I hate how trendy kids are now too. Don't you just want to shake them and ask, "do you REALLY want to play the sitar? REALLY?" Also, what's up with the panty-droppers? Another douchebaggy quality: not admitting to wanting sex sober, and blaming it on alcohol.

radioactive girl said...

I feel old now. I am 33 but I feel about 100 right now. I haven't been to a party like that since college.

classyandfancy said...

What ever happened to the Rocky burlesque?

josh williams said...

You get two readers a day!Please help me with this I get maybe two posters every few days but, readers? Dang Gancer you got game!

5 of 9er said...

Probably the same people older said about you a few years ago... and me. But I want to be the Mouse Trap Deuche!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

360: Sounds like a hoot. I'm real stoked about my 1990's party this summer, but I'm figuring out that girls don't like the idea, cause it's hard to look cute as a 90's chick: Too frumpy.

Zen: You couldn't be a douche if you tried, but I bet you've dated your share of bleeths.

1. You would totally rock those pants.
2. Good move peeing on the bongos.
3. Totally true about any kid saying they are mature is a sure-fire sign that they're an immature d-bag.

Jov: Yeah, an old guy that STAYS at a party like that with no booze might be the real douche.

Chards: No, thank God they didn't ask me to buy booze. I went cause it was on the way home and I was bored. That and I had a sitar lesson scheduled.

Charm: Wow is right. Hey, I needed the blog fodder.

Pistols: A few punches would have went a long way.

Sabina: True. You have a pretty good handle on the modern d-bag.

Radio: Well, you're not missing much.

Classy: It sold out! Do you believe that??

Joshy: I've just been around a long time, that's all.

Niner: You'd be great at being that guy. Actually, you'd be better at making fun of him. I wish all the Liars were there . . .

The Clumsy Chatterbox said...

I haven't bumped fuzzies with the roomie...damn.

AND, I am such an old soul. I relate to the "everyone younger than me is probably a deuchebag" mentality.

Argh. Just thinking about it makes me a little stressed.