Sunday, May 17, 2009

5 Things in the 1980's That Didn't Form Voltron

I did one of those lists on Facebook called, "When I Was a Kid, I Loved . . ."

Here's what I came up with, in no particular order:

1. Stinkor from He-Man. He looked like a skunk, and his power was just that he really, really smelled. It must have sucked for him to have a superpower of which he was a little self-conscious, or did he just not give a damn, like, "That's right, bitches! Stinkor is back, so put your clothespins over your nose, and get ready to lose your appetite!" Whether he embraced it or he wanted to crawl into a cave and wallow in his own stink, either way, only the 1980's would have a muscle-bound guy who reeked to the point of superpowerdom.

2. Big League Chew. It was gum that came in a pouch, billed to wadded into your mouth during little league games to prepare kids for chewing tobacco and eventual mouth cancer, and you have to love how they still make the stuff. Joe Camel gets all that flack for being a cartoon geared towards kids and having a phallic nose, while all the while kids are throwing in a chew before heading to the on deck circle, and I like that for some reason.

3. Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka. He was a Fiji born professional wrestler who ushered in high flying acrobatics off the top ropes into the world of body builders who fake like they're hurting one another. He was my favorite guy, and it always seemed like he lost, which is why I liked him. And the Chicago Cubs.

4. Pitfall. It was a game on the Atari 2600 video game counsel in which you were Pitfall Harry, a guy jumping on the heads of alligators, swinging on vines, and hopping over scorpions in an endless screen-by-screen pursuit of hidden treasures in the jungle. Today's games are too advanced. Now they have these story lines where you're a guy stealing cars and shooting hookers in the face. I like the world of Pitfall, where I could assign my own metaphors, like maybe he's just going to that next screen, hoping for more treasure, but no matter how much gold he gets, the game will only end when he dies in a limited number of horrific ways, or when his time runs out. If you don't see the deeper meaning in that, just go back to your hooker shooting games, and try not to think too much. Pitfall Harry and I think you're not deep enough, and you wouldn't last a day in those scorpion infested jungle caverns.

5. Feathered Hair. I just dig it, that's all. Do I think it should come back? No, that would be stupid, but it's hot. Can a chick work up some feathered hair for one night only, and then fix it before she had to go to work the next day looking like Farah Fawcett? If my girlfriend could do that for me, I'd be happier than Ponch. At the very least, I'd promise never to feather my own hair.

13 comments:

Heff said...

Hell, I STILL play Pitfall every once in awhile, thanks to "Stella", the Atari 2600 emulator, lol !

Kadonkadonk said...

Voltron was on my list.

BeckEye said...

I used to love Pitfall too. There was also a super-long Superman game on Atari that I used to play all the time.

Feathered hair, yeah. I had it. It was law.

JerseySjov said...

wasnt feathered hair from the 70s?
granted i was only alive for 2 years of the 80s so my input is probably not totally valid.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Pitfall was awesome. I still have my old Atari and it still works. Between Pitfall, River Raid and pinball, I was set.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: As you should!

'Donk: I loved Voltron. Did you like Sven or The Princess in the Blue Lion?

Beck: Yeah, that Superman game was goofy. I just rememeber picking up a bridge and flying around, and I think his cape made noise when he flew.

Jov: The 70's bled into the 80's a little. The early 80's still had feathered hair and sporatic bell bottoms. Then again, I was young for those early 1980's.

Charm: I almost went with River Raid. Loved that shit. I always wondered how that plane could run into boats and other planes and pick up fuel floating on the water.

JerseySjov said...

i learn so much from you.

radioactive girl said...

I was awful at pitfall. Space Invaders was my game. I wonder what that says about me?

Jenni said...

I liken my two Jack Russell's to Stinkor. They roll in worms, dead fish at the lake, pickled herring(don't ask), all to get that perfect, pungent, aroma of pure stink.

I hear ya with pitfall. However, I could never make it past that last large oil pit.

(By the way, my word verification has conjured up the perfect stripper name. "Mistiona".)

Mr. Shife said...

Every now and then I harness Stinkor's spirit especially if I get ahold of some cheap beer. Clear the room the morning after. I love feathered hair as well. I straightened my shortened curlies just so I could feather them.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: I'm here to educate . . .

Radio: Probably means that you hate aliens, and that you support border restrictions.

Jenni: Mistona could leap over that pit. All that pole dancing strengthens the legs, increasing the hops.

Shife: Are you telling me that you have not only wicked beer farts, but feathered pubes, too!? You are an amazing fellow . . .

Zen Wizard said...

I remember Big League Chew--it was sort of Bazooka Joe without all the "humor"...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

zen: those bazooka joe jokes were bad, but were they worse than laffy taffy?