Sunday, June 14, 2009

A Book Review and Some Random Crappola

1. My good friend Jeff Phillips, otherwise known as The Igloo Oven, just published a book called Whiskey Pike. Having known him for around three years now, seeing him steal the show with his knack for comedic timing in the play I co wrote and directed, The Loitering Hole, and knowing what a light-hearted fellow he is in his day-to-day life, I was not expecting such a dark tale. Yes, it's dark, but not just dark for dark's sake; it has something worthwhile to say about strained relationships in a family as they deal with greed, corruption, and alcoholism. I also like the cute illustrations Jeff did on his own that keep such a sad story grounded in the theme: "A Bedtime Story for the Drinking Mankind." So, pick up a copy at the website or at, sit back with a single-malt whiskey, and settle in for all 65-pages of booze soaked enjoyment.

2. Recently I got thinking about a bar that one of my best friends managed that was like my home away from home for around a year. I knew the whole staff, they knew me, and I always felt pressured to be funny when I came in there, coming up with bomb-ass one-liners like Norm on Cheers. There was a gal there who will probably always be my favorite bartender. She'd pour me a drink with like a four to one booze to mixer ratio that I could just sip on for an hour or two, and she'd say, "I put some stank on it." One day my roommate at the time and I were having a few there and helping that very bartender come up with names for a Christmas shot she had concocted. I'll be honest here because there's no other way to say it: It looked like a shot glass full of cum, but it tasted just like Christmas! Because it looked so much like spunk, all of the names we were coming up with were totally inappropriate, but so damn funny that they need to be shared.

I remember throwing out Santa's Baby Batter, and my roommate, always shocking me with the funny stuff he'd stir up in his head, being such a quiet fella, came up with Blitzen Juice. Blitzen Juice! I still laugh when I say it. Telling that story last night, I decided to text him those two words. I woke up this morning to a return text from him: Santa's Sleigh Load. Ha! Forgot that one.

3. I was watching COPS today, and as you know, I've been known to offer little tips here and there to help all of you Gancey Up Yourself, and I think this is one of my better ones: Watch COPS as a means of boosting your self-esteem. I watch losers getting arrested, and I think to myself, "Sure, I have a heaping pile of student loans, my writing career isn't taking off like I hoped, and my actual job doesn't pay a whole lot, but I have all my teeth, I've never smacked my 'old lady' around, gotten handcuffed shirtless on my front lawn with a knee in my back, cursing out cops who would moments later find a few grams of cocaine in my jean shorts. I got it pretty good next to those guys, and so do you, seven readers. Whenever you get down on yourself, just remember, even if your job sucks, be thankful you have a steady one, and you could be somewhere getting dragged out of your trailer and beaten with nightsticks while snarling police dogs bite your ankles.


BeckEye said...

Okay. I'm just disturbed beyond belief by that Santa picture. So much so that I forgot what I was going to say.

JerseySjov said...

what was in it that made it look like cum but taste like xmas?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Beck: Yes. I have a knack for finding the best possible pics on google images.

Jov: No idea. Peppermint? Cum? I'm not sure.

Radioactive Tori said...

Here is something that I learned just recently that is similar to your cops tip. If you are mad at your husband for whatever reason, watch Daisy of Love for just a few minutes and see how lucky you are that you didn't choose one of those loser guys. Anything your husband does or says after seeing that will be wonderful.

Heff said...

Yep, even when you're down, you can usually take pride in the fact that there's someone else out there in worse shape than you, lol !

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Personally, I think Santa's Baby Batter was the tops.

And since I am still unemployed-exactly how far away do you think I am from the toothless trailer park?

Mr. Shife said...

I watch COPS and The People's Court whenever I need a little shot of self-esteem. I think Santa's Baby Batter or Blitzen Juice would be excellent seasonal drink. Maybe you and your buddies from the bar can package something together and make a small fortune.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: I'm going to have to turn my GF onto that show!

Heff: Yes. I need to start tivo'ing that shit for emergencies.

Candy: Yes! It may be worth taking a drive through that trailor park if you can find it.

Shife: Yes. We should "package" those drinks. Sadly, I think the bartender in question broke up with her boyfriend, started a trampage, and developed a monster coke habit. Such a shame because she was so sweet back then.