Saturday, April 10, 2010

Baby Wipes

In parts of Europe, Latin America , East Asia, and the Middle East, people use the bidet to freshen up their anus and genital areas after using the toilet. For those of you who don't know, this is the little sink thing that you squat over, and it sprays water down there - and some have a built in dryer! Here in the United States of America, which is supposed to be among the most advanced and powerful nations in the world, we primarily just use the toilet paper, leaving our butts less than fresh all day long until we can get in the shower for a proper cleaning. It's hard to take us seriously at the United Nations when we have the dirtiest asses in the room.

Because Dr. Ken* lives in the states, and he likes his rear end to be nice and fresh all day long to avoid discomfort and a feeling of general grossness, he uses baby wipes every time he poops at home. What's weird is that they say not to flush them, but there's no way I'm dropping those in the trash cans.** Gross! I guess I could buy one of those diaper genies you get for babies, but that's just weird. I suppose I could just keep it, and when I have kids, Ken Jr. and I could just share wipes and diaper genies . . .

On the package of my current wipes (I buy whatever is on sale because I'm frugal like that), it says "great for babies!" Now, I think that us Adult Baby Wipers need to come forward and admit to using them. So, I think, and let me know if I'm alone here, that it should read, "Great for babies, but they also come in handy for adult swamp ass***!"

Okay, seven readers, do you use the baby wipes, the bidet, just straight up toilet tissue, or do you have some cool trick of your own you would like to share to help all my readers maintain a cleaner tuchus?

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*No, this is not Dr. Ken in the picture. It's just some funny guy I found when looking for the bidet on google images. Whoever he is, he should feel proud that his mug pops up as the third picture when someone searches for the bidet on there.
**I realize that I switched from third person to first here, but I'm just not a third person guy. I started to feel like Dennis Rodman.
***or swass if you prefer. See definition two if you follow the link.
****And the winner of last post's caption contest is Beck Eye. She is one of the best bloggers I know, which why she is first on my blogroll. Actually, it's alphabetical, but she is really good. She posts a very in depth analysis of American Idol just after it airs, and she has caption contests of her own, only on a bigger scale because she has more readership than the doctor - think Dr. Ken around three years ago. Anyway, check her out if you haven't already because she's super-duper!

14 comments:

Casey said...

In one country I hit, there was a garden hose with a regular old spray nozzle on it. It takes some serious skill to use it. Imagine hosing off the business without soaking your pants, etc.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Casey: That seems to be too strong a tool for the job, but maybe if you really need to power wash that area like pavement.

BeckEye said...

Dude, I had a similar conversation with another unenlightened guy recently. And I will tell you the same thing I told him. They sell FLUSHABLE wipes. I've heard some people say that the flushable ones aren't really that flushable, but maybe those people are really full of shit and using, like, 10 at a time.

Who are you going to believe? A bunch of full of shit people or me? Or this dog wearing a robe?
http://www.cottonelle.com/product_wipes.aspx

JerseySjov said...

my mom always bought us baby wipes to use through highschool [when we ran out we'd write "BUTT WIPES" on the grocery list, much to her chagrin] but there was no way i was going to bring a pack of them to the dorm with me.
i'm definitely going to reinvest once i have fewer roomies.

BeckEye said...

Aww, thanks for the super-duper plug!

The Igloo Oven said...

I just use toilet paper but am now inspired to start saving for a bidet. I used baby wipes with aloe for like a week back when I was eating 7 11 taquitos every night.

Heff said...

I use a chisel and sandpaper, but that's just me.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Beck: I'll make sure I get "flushable" for sure.

Jov: Butt wipes. Hahaha.

Igloo: If you get a bidet, I'm coming over to play with it.

Heff: You're a man!!

Kris said...

This is super unrelated.... but...

I stopped by your page, only to have Sabbath greet me from your mp3 player thing.

And so, I thank you.

:)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Kris: Yeah, I love Sabra Cadabra. There are plenty of great songs on that player, so keep coming by for more of my impeccable taste in music.

blamemyrobot said...

Wipes also are perfect for when you have a case of the diarrhea and you have a lot of wiping to do. The wet wipes ensures that your butt-hole doesn't get sore.. good times!

Mr. Shife said...

I might have used a baby wipe or two especially since I have an ample supply in the house now. I also like to squirt a little baby powder in the panties to help combat my swamp ass. And you are right we need something for our grown-up butts. There is no reason for Americans to have butts that smell like huge douchers.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Blame: Good to know you and I have buttholes that aren't sore considering we sit on our assholes blogging so much.

Shifey: Hahhahahhahaha! Huge Doucher! Are you still driving the wife nuts with that word?

radioactive girl said...

My kids use the flushable wipes. I switched to them after they were out of diapers but still needed help wiping. If girls pooped (which they don't of course) I would use them too.