Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Admit It: The Little Drummer Boy Has Always Suh-suh-suh-sucked.

Remember "The Little Drummer Boy?"  I think all seven of my readers would have to agree that it's the most crappy of all Christmas songs.  I was trying to put my finger on why it is so lousy.

It could be the puh-rump-a-pum-pumming.  Nobody needs to hear someone sing onomatopoeia like that.  How about just play that beat on the drum instead?  Or get Biz Markie to beat box it.

"I'm so sad they didn't ask me.  I can still beat box, ya know!"
Then I thought it could be that version when David Bowie stumbled into Bing Crosby's house and they somehow managed to make the most nerdiest version of "Drummer Boy" yet.  Something tells me that if Bing knew that Bowie liked to dress like a woman and sleep with other dudes like Mick Jagger, then he wouldn't have been so accepting.  He seemed to be the old school type that didn't care for gay folks.  And didn't Bing beat the tar out of his own kids?

Then it hit me.  The thing I hate most about that stupid, stupid song is the line where he says "the ox and lamb kept time."  I'll believe that some woman 2,000 years ago got knocked up without doing the nasty and before test tubes.  And maybe that baby was the son of God who could turn water into Smirnoff Ice, or however that one went.  But what I refuse to believe is that a big dumb ox and perhaps an even stupider lamb were capable or cared enough to kick their hooves to the beat of a little broke-ass kid's drum beat who couldn't afford to bring a damn gift when he met the lord of the whole fricking universe.

That's just far fetched.


Cocaine Princess said...

Now I have Biz Markie's song "Just a friend" stuck in my head.

PS. And here I thought I was the only person who dislikes the Bing/Bowie duet! I've never liked it & I don't understand why it's considered one of the all time best duets/Xmas songs. Ick.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The first time I knew of this song's existence was when I read about it in the Guinness Book of World Records. It may have been the most popular record of all time - or maybe the album was, I can't remember. It's a nice enough tune if you ignore the words.

Anonymous said...

Go ahead Kenneth, "I'm listening."

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cocaine: That scene just makes me wretch. I want to drop some Visine in their egg nog.

Gorilla: Sadly, popular usually means poop. I have Grandaddy on right now, and they weren't very popular but so flipping good to me after all these years. Some of the songs still make me cry every few times I hear them. Drummer boy is emotive too in that I want to punch stuff.

Bama: I knew you were with me on this one, Bama. Roll Tide.

Heff said...

Couldn't agree MORE. I've always HATED that song. And YES, my shitter looks like a bar, too :)

Sista said...

Hilarious - we all hate that one(not as much as the "Littlest Angel" though).

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: That song needs more metal. That little boy needs some double bass on his drum kit.

Sista: Don't talk crap about the littlest angel!!! He's my big homey.