Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Anyone Need a Karate Announcer?

I know this crazy son of a gun who used to be a prison guard and now does security at a school.  He is all of 5'5" but is intense as hell and a scary ass drill sergeant when he needs to be.  This guy also teaches karate at the school, and he asked me if I would be a judge for a karate tournament.  I tried to respectfully decline do to the fact that I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to karate.  His response was hilarious and was this:

"Yeah, but when you see a fight, you know which guy got his ass whipped, right?"

Okay, by that definition I guess I'm a karate judge.

When I got there there was another security guard struggling through his soundcheck on the microphone in an attempt to warm up as the announcer.  He asked if I would swap roles with him.  In my estimation announcing was a way safer bet because as the judge I might have parents pissed off that I picked their kid's opponent.  And with that brilliant trade I made a switch to become the MC for the evening.

I got into the swing of things pretty quickly with my commentary.  When I didn't know what was going on in a match, I just defaulted to pointing out how hard one of the kids was trying with lines like, "Isn't he a scrapper, folks?  Let's give him a hand!"

If it was a back-and-forth tussle, I would say "We got a scrap here, ladies and gentlemen!"  The kindergarten division was particularly cute, by the way.

Just before the judges' decisions I would say something to the effect of "That was a closely contested bout.  It will be interesting to see how the judges scored this one."  Then the four judges would flip their flags to the white or red flag for which opponent won in their uninformed opinions.  It probably would have made more sense to have an odd number of judges, but whatever.  In the result of a tie there was only one way to settle it . . . Who can do more push-ups?!  I'm serious.  So then I counted out the push-ups on the mic and commented on who's arms were shaking and who was losing the integrity of their push-up form.  The organizers of this event were winging it, and I was improvising what the hell to say about it.  It was a blast.

My air time on the mic got me warmed up for my third reverend gig that I had on the upcoming weekend (I got "ordained" online to officiate weddings for friends).  My good buddy, Southie got married, and I was happy to help him out  Just like every other time, I was nervous.  I wasn't sure how I did when I wrapped it up, but I got nothing but compliments all night long.  They weren't just people who bumped into me at the bar and felt a need to say something - many made a point to come up to me for the sole purpose of saying how great they thought the ceremony was.  It felt really good to know that I made the couple's special day even better and managed to entertain and please so many guests.

The reverend rides again.  And I hope the karate announcer sweeps the leg again because that was hilarious.


Gorilla Bananas said...

You're clearly a natural, Dr Ken. I wish you had been the commentator for a British TV program called It's a Knockout!.

sad king billy (pilgrim) said...

hah! in my karate days there was little fat english black belt who was a security guard and he was the meanest son of a bitch i ever saw. he took great delight in kicking the shit out of the lower belts.

Exile on Pain Street said...

"Best in Show" for the karate cliques. this post for real? Did all that actually take place? Because I kind of can't tell if this is reportage or satire.

The Grand Wave said...

I can only picture how awesome that must have been - both from your perspective and the parents in the room. I would have cracked up the entire time if my kid was out there and had to do push-ups to win.

On a side note, it's awesome that you do weddings for your friends. A buddy of mine got ordained just to officiate my wedding a few years back and it was the best decision we could have made because he knew us so well and it made the ceremony feel very heartfelt.

Mr. Shife said...

Nice work, Dr. Ken. You need to get that next karate gig on tape so you can share next time with your blogging buddies.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Okay, sir. I'm following that link to see what that show is all about.

Pilgrim: I hope someone got that guy back some day. Maybe like 10 white belts could team up and whack him with bars of soap like in "Full Metal Jacket."

Exile: This is all 100% true. Inner city schools have all kinds of stuff you just have to see to believe.

Wave: Yes, the push-up thing was strange, especially when it came down to a girl versus a boy. Hardly seemed fair. And being a reverend at weddings is one of the most important things I have done. : )

Shife: Good idea. Next one is going to be video taped for sure. I'm going dressed as Johnny Lawrence from Karate Kid, get my blond hair feathered really nice . . .

Mr. Shife said...

Happy 4th of July, Dr. Ken.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Thanks, Shife! Holy balls! I haven't posted in forever!