Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Gancer Gets Groceries! That's Fascinating!

Is it all the writing and blogging that makes me have an internal monologue running through my head, thinking what's funny about the world, what would be good to write about, rather than living in the actual moment? Do any of you do this too?

So, I thought about lots of things while I got groceries today, and I must warn you: Nothing all that interesting happened. Sure, if the store was robbed or Marv Albert came in wearing crotchless panties and bit a woman's ass, then the thing would write itself, especially that second one. However, to me, writing a blog and attempting to make it funny and/or interesting, without embellishing details, when nothing all that noteworthy went down, was seen as a challenge in my eyes. Is this exactly what's wrong with blogging? Maybe so. Well, if you'd rather move onto something more sexy like that New York hooker's myspace who blew that Governor right out office, go right ahead.

Do you care what you look like at your grocery store? As I'm talking to my roommate and tweaking my hair, he asked me if I was going out. "Nope," I said. "Just going to Club Jewel." Let me explain. We call the Jewel, may be called Albertson's by you, across the street from our place Club Jewel, because the people are so darned pretty there. We used to call it Hot Girl Jewel, and then met some girls who called it Hot Guy Jewel. How odd that this shop brings in all the hunks and babes, right? That being said, you actually have to get dolled up a little before you go, because the women in there look like TV Spokes Models on Star Search*.

Do you eat like a grown-up or like a kindergartner during snack time?
A young couple in the same aisle as me was talking about cooking something, what should be used to marinate it, or whatever, and I started to think how I need to eat more like a grown-up. My dad is one hell of a cook, I'm sure I could learn a lot from him, impress women by cooking for them, be a lot healthier, and maybe a little happier. I thought all of this while I stealthily grabbed my six pack of beef ramen noodles and ducked out of that aisle.

Have you met, have you tried, or do you hope to one day meet memebers of the opposite sex while grocery shopping? I did see some good looking birds eye balling produce and comparing unit prices*, but I have a girlfriend right now. That's right, I said the GF word, it's kind of a big deal that I'm using the words, being that it's a promotion from Special Lady Friend, which would probably be an interesting subject, but we're not here to talk about anything interesting and nothing personal on this blog for a few posts. We're here to talk groceries, damn you! So, I wasn't macking on any of the Grocery Girlies, but even when I was single, that's a tough approach, right? I think that in other countries people converse more with strangers, but here in America, especially in big cities, we're taught and/or conditioned not to make eye contact at any cost. It's to the point where if you just try to point out a better deal to a gal, she may freak out, mace you, and kick you in the balls. Well, it's not to that point. I'm just saying it's a tough opener.

When you put your items on the conveyor belt, do you look at what the person in front of you is buying? Why am I even asking? Everyone does. Do you then make inferences based on what types of things they buy? For instance, if they have lots of lean cuisines, then they're probably single. If they buy lots of organic shit, then they're tree hugging hippies. If he buys a bottle of Jack and a 20-pack of rubbers, then he's Gancer. You know, just little inferences like that. Anyway, the gal in front of me had some high class items, but I had too many man-child items to hide. I looked to hide my ramen noodles, but when I moved some items to hide it I saw my Chef Boyardee in plain view.** She's going to be making some very obvious judgements, and they will be dead on.

Do you like paper or plastic? Wow, this is getting flipping boring, but seriously, I'm a paper man. When I walk home from the store I always have way too many things to carry and no little cart thing, cause I'm not quite old enough to be That Guy, so all those plastic bag handles burrow into my hands. Today I had two real heavy, double paper bagged loads, perfectly loaded by yours truly. I exercise a fair amount, but I never do any kind of weight training. Is it bad that one of the only times I feel the burn on my triceps is when I waddle home with twenty pounds of groceries in each hand?

Your turn, readers. Answer one or more of the questions in bold type at the start of these boring paragraphs.


*A very dated reference, but well worth it for the people who remember. Do you think Ed McMahon got on any of those models? If I had to guess, I'd have to say, "Ha ha! Yes! You are correct, sir."

**They were on sale for $.79 a can, since you asked.


Inchy said...

I love it when you seem to follow the same person around the store. At some point they'll notice you, eye contact may be made at this point, if it is then it's game on! They'll try to shake you off by possibly doubling back or switching lanes, but the savvy stalker can see this coming and compensate for it. You get double points if you can finish your shopping at the same time as them and be behind them at the conveyor. Let the games begin.

logorrheic. said...

hey good doctor::::

have no fear in regards to the ramen. i do the same. and spaghettio-s because frankly, that stuff is the shit. i thnk my grocery conveyer belt translates to single and completely incapable of cooking. but yes, i do judge people by what they buy. down here we have combination of the man with the potato chips, lots of soup and six pack of beer and the couples with all the whole foods organic shit. i need to find myself a man who can get a pack of yuengling, some chicken breast, a mango and spaghettios. then i know we're meant to be =P ha!

Allison said...

I'm certain YOU would never do such a thing, but I swear, at my grocery store, there's a dude who lurks about all day trying to snag a chick. He's there EVERY time I go shopping, and I don't have a regular shopping schedule or anything like that. He always uses the same lame line too ("I forgot my grocery list, can I borrow yours?") Hullo, do you not remember saying that to me like 60 other times. And yes, I just heard you say it to 3 other women in the produce aisle. Or how's 'bout the time you ogled my breasts and stated emphatically that you suddenly remembered you needed milk (that one actually made me laugh a little.) Didn't you notice the hundred jars of baby food and diapers in my cart? Oh, and yes, the baby? How totally creepy. (but still funny to some extent).

radioactive girl said...

I know more than I should about the spokesmodels. Remember Bobbi Brown? She was in a Warrant video and dated the ugly singer from Warrant that I sometimes confuse with my pretend (in my head, but he grosses me out lately...have you seen his show???) boyfriend Brett Michaels.

Lately I have been making my husband grocery shop for me because I dislike it so much. What does THAT say about me?

I always feel like I buy way too much crap though...donuts, ice cream, etc. and I feel like if people are checking out what I am buying they probably think I am bulimic because I am skinny but buy a bunch of crap food. For the record, I am not, I just have a lot of kids that sometimes like yummy snacks and I myself like to eat crap instead of healthy grown up food. But then I fix that by taking vitamins. That balances it all out, right?

JerseySjov said...

chef boyardee and ramen? you need to get mature and move up to frozen burritos and cup-o-noodles.

also, the only people who hit on me at the grocery store are the guys that stock the produce section.

Casey said...

I try to flirt a little at the grocery store, but I generally find it as productive as church for getting women. Something about shopping turns women to a browse mode. They like that you're there, and they like that you noticed them, now go away so they can focus on other radishes/men.

Maybe I'm just doing it wrong by shopping for groceries at midnight drunk.

zen wizard said...

There is a Kroger on Piedmont Road in Buckhead that is to this day called, "The Disco Kroger" because the infamous Limelight used to be right next to it--the problem is that it hasn't been there for like twenty years.

Anyway, the people who go there are all impossibly hot.

I have tried to pick up women there but almost without fail have always fallen flat on my ass.

Drunken Chud said...

do i care what i look when grocery shopping? no. i will go in slippers and sweats, or whatever else i happen to be wearing at the time i decide my pad needs some munchables. that being said, if i notice a cute worker bee there, then every subsequent trip does involve some planning. you know, just in case.

oh, i eat like a grown up kindergartner at snack time. that is that my eggs and steak are balanced by eggos and steak-umms.

flirting at the grocery store... i've done it plenty. never successfully enough to get a number. but, enough to have fun.

as far as judging people by the shit they buy, i wish i did. see, i have what doctors call A.D.D. grocery stores are buit for me. everywhere i look there is something new. something fun. so when i'm at the check out loading up the conveyer i wish i was paying attention to what the dillhole in front of my was buying, instead i'm reading the covers of all the rags on the newsstand in front of me and contemplating whether or not i need a tire guage, nail clippers, or a lady bic.

as for the paper or plastic argument, i don't care. give me whatever, cuz either way they're going to be turned in to garbage bags at some point.

oh, and fear not with the star search reference. see, i'm a horrible singer, yet i LOVE to sing, and whenever i notice friends and co-workers staring at me in disbelief of my lack or tune holding ability, i always say," i know, i'm such a rad singer, i should be on star search, that was easily a 3 and a half star performance."

mysterygirl! said...

If Club Jewel is the one on Southport, I can vouch for its hotness, because I was once approached by a(n obviously blind) modeling agent there-- clearly its hotness is notorious enough to encourage a modeling agency to stake it out.

And yes, I judge people by their groceries, and I try to hide all my unhealthy food under produce.

How long have you had a giiiiiiiirlfriend, Gance?

Chardsy said...

Of course I remember the spokes model comp, and you know McMahon banged some of them.

To answer your question about looking at the items of people in front and behind me in line, I do it all the time. The nut jobs that go to the the same market that I do buy some interesting crap. The other day I was at the market and the man behind me bought 12 small jars of Miracle Whip, a 12 pack of Diet Coke and 1 box of english muffins. I actually started laughing.

Chardsy said...

To go off what Zen Wizard said...there is a Ralph's down the street that is called "Rock and Roll Ralph's" because at any time of day you go there (especially 2 am) you run into a rock star. It is creepy.

pistols at dawn said...

I did meet a woman once in the grocery store, based on me telling a friend: "Poor Funyuns - they're one of the few chips people can actively hate." She said she enjoyed them, as did I, and so we had something in common.

What we didn't have in common, however, was a similar opinion on how enjoyable we found sex with me.

ReckenRoll said...

I am RARELY at the grocery store but that's because I am rarely home long enough to eat anything before it goes bad.

That said, I always get plastic but I make them give me as few bags as possible because of the global warming.

That is how my brain works.

Grad School Reject said...

When I was single I used to feel weird buying kid's cereal. That said, nothing stood between me and my Lucky Charms and/or Frosted Flakes. Haters can suck it.

Coconut said...

I never care what I look like at the grocery store, but the only time I like to go to the grocery store is right after work, so I'm in my "business casual" attire.

I definitely do not eat like a grown up unless I'm cooking for someone else, I'm in the Lean Cuisine category.

That leads to answer another of your questions, the fact that I'm loading up the conveyor belt with frozen chicken strips, pizza, and other immature junk-food makes me self-conscious of what everyone else around me is thinking, because I look at everyone else's foods, so fo course they are looking at mine.

I once heard on Oprah that grocery stores are a good place for women to pick up men if they want a guy that can cook. Not sure how accurate that is, but I haven't tried it personally. I don't think I'd mind if someone tried to pick me up in a grocery store, though.

Finally, paper bags with handles rock, especially when carrying them up to my apartment. Every time I get plastic it hurts my hands and then an hour later I'm wondering why it hurts to make a fist.

Good post!

So@24 said...

The Gancer: Look, just stay away from my fucking lady friend.
Da Fino: Hey, I'm not messing with your special lady.
The Gancer: She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend. I'm just helping her conceive.

josh williams said...

I profile a person by what is on the conveyor, yes I do and I say this without shame. I also profile the lines, if a I have a choice between a male or female with an equal amount of grocery's I will always choose the guy line. The woman line and I speak from experience usually pays by check or charge and waits for the total before she digs around in her purse to find her credit card or check book and then...Well yes I profile, men that shop are normally ready to get the hell out! If I had a nickel for every time I swiped my credit card to soon I would have a bunch of nickels.

josh williams said...

There is not a damn thing wrong with Ramen noodles!

Jake Titus said...

Either I've become a left-wing tree hugging liberal, I'm old, or I'm cheap. Hell maybe I'm a combo of all. I am no longer a paper or plastic person. About a year ago I bought a shit load of those woven re-usable grocery bags. I make all my fellow eco-shoppers happy, and save .15 per bag on my bill. Yippie!!!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Inch: Great call! The Stalker! I love when you keep seeing the same person. Do you smile at them the third or fourth time?

Logo: Glad to have met a fellow kindergarten pallet person.

Allison: I lost my shit when I read your comment. That guy is my idol. He's everything I want to be.

Radio: Bobbi Brown was a TV Spokesmodel? I wonder what kind of groceries she bought?

Jersey: You're right. I'll step it up a level. Baby steps . . .

Casey: Hahahha. I can see Casey trying to be a pimp at the midnight hour. If they're there that late, they just need to get that "emergency" item and get out. BUT, maybe, just maybe, they're desperate weirdo chicks and THEN they are ripe for the taking. No? I'm just speculating here.

Zen: Don't get up. You'll get that Grocery Gal yet. Lay some of that Phil Jackson zen shit on 'um.

Chud: WOW! Extra credit for Chudly for commenting on EVERY question. You get a gold star, my friend. I never got the scoring system on star search. Confused the shit out of me and the contestants it seems, cause they seemed to always not know they had won until Ed told them. Sinbad was a force to reckon with on that mutha.

MG: You're right about that one, but mine is in Lakeview. Why didn't you do some modeling for the Grocery Guy? I've been seeing this one for almost 3 months, which is pretty good for me.

Chardsy: Why 12 small miracle whips? Here's my theory, he planned on sticking his pean in them. My parents told me a story about a local newspaper when they were in college that ran a story about a guy getting busted dipping his willie in the mayonaise jars.

Pistols: Well, whether she liked it or not, you still met a girl at the store and had the sex with her, so I give you kudos bars.

Reck: Save the world Recky!!

GSR: "Haters can suck it." May be the quote of the day. I like kids cereal too. Fuck! I should have bought cookie crisp. I love when the milk turns to chocolate milk. Bomb. Ass. Shit.

Coconut: You know what I should do to get those chicks who got that tip from Opera? Push around a cart full of items like I can cook my ass off, just trying to scare up some tail, and then ditch that cart after I get some numbers, grab some twinkies and bounce. Great tip! Also, great call on the paper bags with handles. That's EXACTLY what I need.

24: We all borrow from that movie, right? Amazing.

Josh: I profile too. I can tell a dumb-dumb when I see one. Thanks for getting my back on the ramen!

Jake: Good man! Very responsible.

Kadonkadonk said...

Um, dude, what's your problem? Bring your own damn bag to the store! It can hold a lot more, it's easier to carry, and it's not completely fucking up the environment. And if you are ever single again, the ladies will dig it.

Kadonkadonk said...

Ok, I just read some of your comments. WTF, people!? Americans use 92 BILLION plastic bags and 5 BILLION paper bags every year. It takes 12 million BARRELS of oil to make the plastic bags that Americans use every year. So right now you are thinking, papers better and that's what I use. Well you're wrong buddy! Paper takes 5 times the trucking capacity because it's so bulky and overall, paper bags take 40% more energy to produce. THEY BOTH SUCK.

I mean, how hard is it to buy a reusable bag? All you paper/plastic loving assholes suck.

Kadonkadonk said...

Have I mentioned that I work for an environmental non-profit?

Inchy said...

That's all we need, a tree-hugger!

Ron, apparently said...

Since you ask, Dr. Ken, CostCo has a great deal on reusable bags right now. They're about 4 times the size of the crappy reusables that Trader Joe's sell, and half the price. Mrs. Ron is particularly fond of the double handle design allowing the shopper to choose to either carry the bags by hand or over the shoulder, no doubt to accommodate the shoppers choice of either Chef B. or Ramen.
As far as picking birds up at the grocery store, I once did bone the checkout girl from the grocery store in the Forum shopping centre in Chester, the name escapes me (the grocery store that is, her name was Sharon, of course).

zen wizard said...

I would go "plastic" on the eternal "paper or plastic?" debate.

If something spills in paper, then even if you are buying, like, peacock feathers (hey--I sometimes need them--and not just for when hookers tie me up and tickle my anus, okay?), the "weight" of the item will break through and rip the bag.

For some unknown reason, when you have something expensive like wine, you want it individually wrapped in a paper bag--you ever notice that?

I guess we feel that paper has an insulating effect, like it will keep stuff from being too hot or too cold.

For some reason, flowers seem like they should be in paper.

It is important--as I recall--for flowers to be in the right thing, since American males only buy flowers when they have f*cked up and gotten caught doing something wrong by a female who could wait till they fall asleep and then kill them--i.e., what we call, "a significant other."

Or when they PERCEIVE that they MAY SOON GET CAUGHT.

If they don't already, for instance, they should sell flowers in the lobby of the Mayflower Hotel. And they should be in paper bags...

Porn should obviously be in a paper bag, though I have never seen that sold in a grocery store. Anything you are ashamed of should be in a paper bag. Like, if you buy "Sex and the City: The Complete Fourth Season" and you are a dude; well, then, paper bag. I mean, around the CD and over your head...go through "Twelve Items or less," and then perp walk right out of that grocery store. You should be ashamed!

If you buy pantyhose or women's underwear and they are for YOU; well, paper bag. Doh't think you can say they are for, "your wife."

People just seem to know...

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Do you care what you look like at your grocery store? - not too much

Do you eat like a grown-up or like a kindergartner during snack time? - i eat like someone who's unable to cook a real meal. all meals come out of a box or packet

Have you met, have you tried, or do you hope to one day meet memebers of the opposite sex while grocery shopping? - never have... and that would be cool. however i have a friend who meet a girl at the grocery, chatted with her all through shopping, took her for coffer right after the grocery, took her back to his place after coffee and had his way with her all night... seriously! but then she turned out to be a complete psycho, told him she loved him after 1 day, and stalked his house for a couple weeks... you get what you pay for

When you put your items on the conveyor belt, do you look at what the person in front of you is buying? - yeah i do... and i make assumptions (i know that's bad)

Do you like paper or plastic? - i know i should be getting the paper because of the environment yada yada yada... but the plastic is easier for me to carry to my apt (don't be mad hippies... i love the environment)

Anonymous said...

i'm so happy to hear i'm not the only who has a running commentary in my head, thinking about what would make a good potential blog post.

le sigh.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You think Star Search is a dated reference? What about Marv Albert - didn't his career end in 1988??

The Charming Hedonist said...

Ah, the grocery store. The very place I avoid until it is impossible to do so because I'll do something completely nuts, like starve.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Sorry, but your Jewel is so not the Hot Girl/Guy Jewel.

PS - Drunk Portraits are posted at my blog.

TOPolk said...

I'm all about eating like a kid come snack time. So much that when I bring my lunch to work, its in a metal spiderman lunch box. One that includes orange slices, a turkey and cheese sandwich, and a box of raisins.

It helps to ease the pain of being a cubicle monkey.

Douchegirl said...

True story:
My mom met my stepdad at a Publix parking lot. He asked her for directions. And her number.

Is it really wrong that I've NEVER been asked if I want paper or plastic? They only give me plastic over here.

And I never look at other people's groceries. I'm waaay too busy catching up on Britney, Brangelina, et al to care.

Bill From Gainesville said...

Blooging about every day mundane things is the original 13 colonies of blogging. Its kind of where it all began and either you are a great writer and you can pull it off, or you are able to mix in funny shit about Marve Albert and it works...

Bill From Gainesville said...

I said Blooging, but of course meant Blogging, and I think there are 3 main things in blogging: there is the writing, the humor and the underlying content. You only need one of them to be good for the post to work, when you get all three working, then you have something...

Mr. Shife said...

When you put your items on the conveyor belt, do you look at what the person in front of you is buying?

No I actually imagine giving them a wiener mustache.