Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Tom Petty Debacle

I can't sleep because I'm amped up from too much coffee I sucked back while trying to stay awake during a focus group about pens, so I figured I might as well use this nervous energy to write something. The only spare topic that I have in my handy-dandy notebook* is The Tom Petty Debacle. Now, readers, I'm going to post this, but keep two things in mind.

1. It may read like a crystal meth addict** with AD/HD wrote this thing, but I'm not changing anything. It will be a stream of consciousness of goodness like Kerouac on "the crack," so you and I will just have to make do with what will more than likely be mixed results.
2. I know that I had an "I swear I'm not a sleaze" disclaimer for my last post, but I'm doing it again, damn it. I was wronged by a woman I loved, I had a real bad selfish phase, and I acted like a thoughtless, drunken child for a little too long. I'm all better now, but it would be a shame not to write about these days, right? I mean, it's therapeutic and cathartic for me, and it's, with any luck, damn interesting to you folks.

Cast of Characters With Names Changed to Protect the Innocent:

Abigale: I met her at a hair metal cover band show. She had a white tank top/wife beater thing on that had a small, subtle picture of a cassette tape nestled on her chest. We got to talking, and I shared with her my theory about dating as it relates to cassette tapes: I won't date a woman if her first album was in CD format, because that would make her far too young for me. We went on a date, she must not have had a first album in disc form, but regardless what media type that all-important first album was in, I never called her afterwards. We connected weeks later, she asked me if my not calling was due to the phone difficulties she was having, and rather than come clean, my passive ass found itself saying, "Yes. That must have been it." In the coming weeks we became more of friends/drinking buddies than anything else, I enjoyed her company quite a bit, but she was getting fond of me, believe it or not. One time she said her mom was like, "How's Dr. Kenneth?" I was weirded out, but rather than establish what we were doing, my, again, passive and perhaps a little needy ass kept things at status quo, which was probably as good as leading her on. I know, I was fucked up and immature. I swear I'm better now.

Delilah: This is the first woman I dated after my divorce for whom I had strong feelings. It was way too soon to like someone that much. I would feel weird when I'd open up to her, and then I'd clam up. She had some commitment issues at the time too, may still, and she'd shut down and get wicked distant, borderline cold, which was NOT good for me at the time. As tumultuous as our thing was, I was resolved to be in a committed, dating relationship with someone for the first time since my Devo, which is a hip way of saying divorce, as if divorce could ever be considered hip or anything other than shitty, awful, or awfully shitty.

I get a call from Abigale one day, and she has an extra ticket to Tom Petty with The Black Crowes opening at Alpine Valley, which is in Wisconsin and quite a drive. I remember getting that call while on my bicycle, and thinking, "All right, this is a road trip with a gal who really likes me, and she will probably see it as a bonding type of deal, which really isn't a good idea, cause she, to take a page out of Kevin Arnold's book, "like-likes" me while I merely "like" her. But, I've never seen Petty, and I really like The Crowes," so I said, "All right, American Girl!"

On the way down we got caught in horrible traffic, and we ended up missing ALL of The Black Crowes and we only saw like six Petty songs. Just before the end of his set, a biblical flipping storm*** hits, we exit the stadium the wrong way, have to walk all the way around the thing through the rain and mud, and by the time we get to the car there's literally**** not a dry spot on us. I was driving her car home, and it crapped out on an exit ramp. She's panicking and crying while I'm trying to tell her that we need to get it off the road before someone hits us. Finally, she puts down her phone, and steers it while I push, which is when a guy with a tow truck comes by and says, "Hey, I nearly hit you guys. Do you need a ride?" Turns out this cat works for an auto body place and was on his way home when he saw us, so he towed the car to his shop and drove us to a hotel. As a quick side note, I love the city, but on the whole people are, if you're a city slicker like me, embarrassingly, eye-opening nicer in small towns.

We both have to shower in the room, but since we have no dry clothes to put on afterwards, we both have to sleep in towels. Now, picture Dr. Kenneth doing his darndest to stay faithful to Delilah, but next to him is an emotional, nearly naked, good looking woman who is nuts about him. Plus, they had both managed to get pretty high from a too tightly rolled joint***** his roomie rolled. Also, I'm sure you'll know what I'm talking about here, but when you have a stressful, emotional day with someone of the opposite sex where there's some attraction, there is a certain exchange of pheromones and vibes that tend to make both parties pretty randy. Believe it or not, despite being painfully exited beneath my towel for hours upon hours, I did not lay a hand on her, except to console her, since she was crying from some sort of Tom Petty Debacle related melt down.

Here's the worst part: About a week later Delilah broke up with me, I said "what the hell," and slept with Abigale after too many quarter beers at The Horse Shoe. Part of the moronic, sick-fuck thought process of mine was that I was somehow entitled to, not only because I was reeling from the break up, but because I white knuckled and blue balled it through that TP Debacle night, when I really didn't need to, since Delilah already was no doubt ready to dump me by the TP night. So, in my mind, not now but at the time, I was thinking that sticking it to Abigale would be, in a sense, sticking to Delilah. Abigale thought our quarter beer lovin' meant we'd start dating, but of course, I wasn't ready or willing, which I knew before I slept with her. It's quite sad actually. Sad for her, and sad for me that I would do something so downright shitty, just because I was hurting from the divorce, and then rehurting from the Delilah deal.

Midway through this thing I thought about not posting it, and usually when I have that feeling I'm right, whether it's someone reading getting pissed or myself feeling equal parts ashamed and stupid. Well, I'm posting it, because I've been going with an on again off again emotionally naked, cathartic, therapeutic writing style for some time now, and I think my blog buddies who have been in it with me for some time know me to not be the turd I once was. I'm going to get back to posts about silly stuff like nude field goal kicking and Flashdance, because I feel drained after writing this thing. Fortunately, I'm Drained enough to sleep, finally, so I'm off to catch a quick couple of hours of sleep before work. Thanks for "listening" everyone. Good night.


*Yes, I got the "handy-dandy notebook" from Steve on Blues Clues. I watched a lot of that stuff with my nephews. That guy did the least convincing running in place while the background moved, but I always gave him credit for being funny on such an F'd up show. Big ups, Steve.

**Just as I typed that sentence about typing like a crack head, I typed attic instead of addict. Yikes. Hey, when you were in junior high, did you ever ask girls to look down the front of their shirt and spell attic? "A titty I see (A-T-T-I-C)" I'm going to try it, but not in the work place this time. I'll leave that to Dyckerson, who, as an experiment, is going to try that gag on ten women at random next week. Best of luck to you, Dyckerson!

***The electrical storm before the crazy rain came down actually provided a beautiful backdrop during his surprisingly impressive set of the six songs I saw. It's something I'll never forget, much like The Tom Petty Debacle itself.

****One of my roomies is an editor and a real bright guy. He pointed out once that literally is overused, and often doesn't make sense the way people use it. For instance, "I was so hungry I was literally ready to eat my foot." No, not literally. If you meant that literally I'd call the funny farm on your ass cause you are a kook. Well, in reference to how wet we were, this time it's used correctly, because there honest to God wasn't a dry spot anywhere to be found, like we had just done fully clothed cannon balls into the neighbor's pool.

*****Sorry, mom, if you're reading. Yes, my mom reads sometimes and she's awesome. I'm more sorry about the overall content of this piece, but for some reason I'm sorry about the joint thing too. I swear I"m not a druggie, it's been over a year since I had the wacky tobacky, and I've never been a regular puffer.


Inchy said...

Wow. This is like one big long episode of Oprah in a single post. I think someone needs a hug!

Allison said...

Oprah? I was thinking more Dr. Phil. No seriously, it's nice to hear honest thoughts from someone with a conscience. You rock, Dr. Kenny.

Casey said...

Man, that post-divorce time is just fucking miserable, and strangely, the time in a man's life he gets the most ass. He just can't enjoy it.

I missed a Black Crowes chow for a girl one time. Unfortunate prioritizing on my part.

Bill From Gainesville said...

I litterally read this on my computer screen ( correct use of the word Litterally, although I think I am Litterally spelling it wrong) anyhow, I once had a chance to have sex with this very hot woman that was a friend, she was sending me all the vibes but she was also just post breakup with her boyfriend so I held back. but I Know I could have, but heres the thing, a week or so later I DIDNT get to hit it like you ended up doing, and now looking back it is a regret that I didnt take my opportunity when she was vulnerable. -- I didnt because she was vulnerable, but I did totally like her, and if I would have been more a man about it that Night, maybe we would have developed something... so all I am saying is sometimes you are damned if you do and you are damned if you dont, I regret my inaction now, and think it was too freaking chivalrous because Although it clearly would have been taking advantage of some vulnerabilities it might have gone on to better things so my intentions would have been legit...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

If your Mom reads the comments section, then I am never commenting again. O, the embarrassment.

Plus, if I was ever to meet her,she'd think of me as the Sharter, wouldn't she, Dr. Ken?

So@24 said...

Everyone has a Winnie.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Inchy: I know we just "met," but can I have a Clugman hug?

Allison: Honesty is the best policy. It's one of the only policies of mine I'd ever recommend. Thanks for coming by.

Casey: So true. Is it the sympathy points? The street cred that you WERE a man willing to get married? Hmmmmmmm.

Big Bill: Terrific point in your case, but my intentions would have been not so good. You ever look her up? Married?

Cherry: I don't think she checks out the comments, and only reads every so often. You're my favorite sharter.

24: Winnie Cooper was super-duper. <---Dumbest comment EVER on my part.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I tried that trick on the tranny who works at the help desk. What does A-P-P-I-C mean??

Helen Mansfield said...

Urgh! That was rough, but I love your honesty.

I never condone girls getting sh*t on, bu tif any girl hanging out with you at the time didn't:

a) understand you were damaged goods and not to be used as an object of love and a long-term relationship ...

b) have enough self-esteem to avoid falling into said love with you, or get said relationship notions out of her head ...

you gets what yous gets ladies.

Grad School Reject said...

I like reading posts where the author of said post talks about having sex with 2/3 the number of women that have been in my bed. What was I doing in college? And why have I never smoked a joint? Damn you Dr. K for making me look at my life as a long list of wasted opportunity!

Casey said...

Huh. I think I'm going to have to research that. Street cred. Hmmm. I have a new strategy forming, instead of mentioning the marriage/divorce only at gunpoint, I'm opening with it. Of course, I will have three treatments:

A: Treatment will be apprised of former marriage and details of departure immediately.

B: Treatment will be slowly and mysteriously eluded to about possible marriage. Told by end of night.

C: Control. Not told at all and all former love subjects avoided like the plague.

Jake Titus said...

Dr. K,

Honest posts are often the most refreshing. I appreciate your honesty and can relate to your experiences.

Looking into our pasts is human. We've all fucked up or made retarded decisions. Using those past experiences to become better people is the key.

We're all human. It's not the mistakes or bad judgments that make us who we are but rather how we use those experiences to change our future actions or decisions.

ReckenRoll said...

Live, Learn and Move on. You gotta let it go. Just don't do it again next time?

You may choose "it" to represent any part of the story that you choose.

Steph said...

I feel like I need a joint after reading that. lol, loved it.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

November, actually.

TOPolk said...

I don't have anything witty or introspective to add or even a question. I just wanted to say that for some reason I enjoyed this post.

It was oddly comforting.

Drunken Chud said...

someone once told me that our 20's are the time of treating people like shit. after this last birthday i looked back on what i've done in my 20's and realized, he was right. friends, family, women... oh how i was an ass to the women. the worst part is, i look back on the ones i treated the worst and they are in such a good place now. so much better than if they'd have hitched their cart to this horse. though i've never been married, know how you feel. for the most part. sans devo.

Mr. Shife said...

I am a good listener, aren't I?
Sometimes it feels good to unload so hope you are feeling better. You are a good egg.

pistols at dawn said...

You are such a jerk. You know, women aren't just playthings for your...ha ha ha!

Couldn't keep a straight face through that, sorry.

Lots of people do this. Either that, or I'm just friends with lots of bad people. Flip a coin.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Am I a bad person for thinking what you did wasn't that bad? I mean it sux balls for Abigale, but shit happens... life happens... I'm sure she's learnt a very important lesson from the situation... I hope... damn I feel evil :(

5 of 9er said...

Are you doing meth? Do we need to talk?

radioactive girl said...

You know what I think? I think I love this post. Very rarely do I get to read something that is so honest. I love that your mom reads this sometimes, and I love that although you know she won't like certain things, you tell them anyway and then apologize because you care what she thinks.

I love the thing about literally because it is something that my 4 year old son and I talk about all the time...he is a big stickler for asking me "literally?" when I tend to exaggerate things.

I love the blue's clues thing, and I just love everything about this entire post (well, minus the part where you were hurting, because that just plain sucks).

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Okay, I'm way behind on commenting. Here I go . . .

Mighty: Hahahha! Yes, all jokes have to be slightly altered when you're dealing with trannies.

Helen: I suppose you're right. Thanks.

GSR: It sounds to me like you and Mrs. GSR have a good thing going, joints or not.

Casey: This looks like very formal research! You are a go getter.

Jake: You are a wise hydrant, my friend.

Reck: True and done.

Steph: I don't have "guys" anymore, so you're on your own to get that doob. Thanks!

Cherry: OUCH!! Good seeing you the other night.

Topolk: I oddly comfort lots of people. Thanks.

DC: That's a good theory, and I hope it holds true, for both of us. BUT, if we ever have that Gancer/Chud outing, I think we have to let our 20-something jerks out for a while and have some fun at some other people's expense.

Shifey: That beats a rotten egg any day. Thanks for listening and for being Shifey-like.

Pistols: I suspect you could tell me some stories. As always, thanks for coming by.

360: A lot of people said it wasn't that bad, so you're not at all evil. Thanks, bud.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner: I was wacked out on the stuff when u saw me sat. JK

Radio: Thanks! Your 4 year old is smart for KNOWING the word literally.

Chardsy said...

No need to apologize for your sexual deviances, we all do bad things. By "all" I mean everyone but SO. I gotta get that kid laid.

Ron, apparently said...

All this touchy-feely stuff is crap. Every adult knows exactly what the deal is when they jump in the sack with someone else. She might have turned around and said"Thanks for the sex, but you're not the guy for me". The chance of that happening is there with every shag. Enjoy 'em and be happy you got some. There's plenty of folk not getting any, you big girl.

Inchy said...

It takes a man from Wales to state the obvious.

Anonymous said...

Treatment A responded, but was enormous. No go.

Treatment B responded very well, but was herded off by women I tried to convince her were not really her friends. No go.

Treatment C was not implemented in any serious fashion.

Treatments A and B are worth another shot. I think with a large enough sample size, I may really get some hard evidence.

Casey said...

Open ID sucks. that was me.

Ron, apparently said...

I thankew. *takes a bow*

Drunken Chud said...

yeah dude, our inner 20somethings will be out in force. i promise you that.

btw, everytime i land on your page i get biz markie... thank you.

captain corky said...

I had to turn off the Biz Markie song while I was reading your post cause I was laughing to hard to concentrate.

I think we all go through an asshole period. It's the one's who don't regret it that you have to watch out for.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chardsy: Please do get him some at any cost. Please do.

Ron: Sorry to lament about getting some. You must be one of the ones in the not getting some camp to be so hostile with your "girl" accusation. Sorry, buddy.

Inchy: You're taking the guy's side who said I'm a girl? If I can't trust Klugman, who can I trust?

Casey: Sometimes you're too smart for your own good, Mr. Wizard. Is it okay if I link your new page on my blogroll, or do you want to stay hidden?

Chudsy: That happens to me sometimes on my page. For a while it was I Was Made for Lovin' You by Kiss. Some of the songs on there I've gotten sick of as a result, but not that one. I can't believe Kiss made such a perfect song and then they got songs like Firehouse, where the chorus is, "Get the firehouse, cause you sets my soul on fire."

Cork: First off, see Chud's comment and my response to him if you'd like to know more about Biz. Second, you're 100% right.

josh williams said...

I don't know what to say,when I see 33 comments I end up reading others responses and then I think I'm going to sound redundent so...

classyandfancy said...

My Tom Petty Debacle consists of me wondering how he got so damn skeletor sexy.

Ron, apparently said...


Coconut said...

I find it very refreshing that your mom reads your blog and your still open and honest.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Classy: He IS Skeletor hot! Hey, what was the name of Skeletor's bad guy Battle Cat/Cringer?

Ron: Okay, thought I was picking up on that. Hahhahaha.

Coconut: I'm a firm believer that if you let ANYTHING change how you want to write, than you need to look at that, and 9 times out of ten write right through that.

Inchy said...

'Panthor' was Skeletor's big pussy cat.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Inchy: Don't know what made me check the comments on this old post, but you're right about Panthor. Thanks!