Monday, March 10, 2008

On the Road Again

Disclamer: Okay, all. Please don't take this post as sleazy. Many of us had days of one-nighters, and this is merely meant to educate, not to offend.

On Saturday, I had an all-day bachelor party deal for a good friend. In between shooting each other with paint balls and shooting down shots of Jager at a bar, we had some time to drink some beers at my place and shoot the proverbial shit. While discussing what the night may entail, someone inquired about how many of us were single. The answer? Zero! Zero out of eight of us considered ourselves single. What did that leave us talk about? Our glory days . . .

Here's one thing we learned: When it comes to a one nighter/hit it and quit it situation, most guys prefer a "road show" to a "home game." Here's why:

3. Miss One Nighter will never know where you live, or that you're 31-years-old and live with 4 other guys, not that I know anyone like that. Also, if she's nuts, she can do a lot less damage to you and your property at her place, in theory, unless she has a Buffalo Bill, "It puts the lotion in the basket-esque" dungeon where she locks men in for weeks on end, but how many women like that do we meet? One, maybe two lifetime?*

2. No neighbors, roommates, land ladies, wives (?), or anyone else are privy to anything that transpires during a road show. Sometimes we have weak moments and take home something that's not looking so good, or even if she is looking good, maybe we're just not comfortable letting people in our immediate area in on the fact that we make a habit of this. For lack of a less overused phrase, what happens at a "road show" stays at a "road show."

1. When you wake up, all you have to do is excuse yourself. You know, I have to get my oil changed, take my grandmother to the zoo, have my testicles laminated**, whatever; just make an excuse and go. During a home game, you feel rude making an excuse, cause you're basically throwing her out, so, if you're like me, you end up driving them home. That way you save them the walk of shame by offering the slightly less embarrassing drive of shame. Even still, when you say, "So, I can drive you home?" What they hear, and rightfully so, is, "So, get the F out of here?"

How's about you, my beloved readers? Which do you prefer and why? Anyone out there prefer a nice home stand?

________________

*Got this pic off of a picture of a t-shirt! What sick son-of-a-gun is going around with that guy on his/her shirt!?

**Borrowed that awesome little phrase from George Carlin when he's talking about how when it gets quiet suddenly at a party you're always saying something stupid, like telling someone you're having your testicles laminated.

41 comments:

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

Never have all of my friends and I not been single, i think hell woudl freeze over before that happenes.

In regards to a home or away game I am 50/50. I like the home game because I know where everything is. By everything I mean the 7-11 for supplies and the phone to call him a taxi at 5 am. Away games are always fun until you wake up the next morning and realize the guy stills lives with his parents and doesn't own a car to drive you home with.

So@24 said...

I got nothing on this entire post.

But it'll be great crib notes for a someone as green as me!

elyse the portuguese said...

Well, I can't really comment out of experience- however, the road show does seem to have its perks. Hit it, quit it and have something to blog home about sans potential stalkers.

logorrheic. said...

um yah i'm with so@24 and elyse. but if i ever engage in it, i'll be sure to hand in my vote.

Bill From Gainesville said...

In College Basketball, home games are HUGE, In hittin it and quittin it, away games are the best, but like in Basketball you have to take them as they are scheduled and sometimes that may mean going into Rupp Arena, or sometimes coming home to the house...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chardsy: Do you also have a Pleasure Chest nearby for other "supplies?"

24: Hey, take notes. Read some more posts when you come by. You'll be as dumb as me in no time.

Elyse: Aren't you still in HS? No road shows for you. You shouldn't even talk about it. You're grounded. Just kidding! Glad you came by. It's been a while.

Log: I will be here when you're ready to discuss. This is a safe place . . .

Bill: Maybe some gals feel more at home at their own court, so that may be another added bonus. Comfort level can be good, right? I like the college bball knowledge!

Steph said...

lmao @ nut lamination. Damn but that would be painful!

JerseySjov said...

i'm constantly saying 'testicles laminated'-esque things. the trick is you have to just quickly shut your mouth, laugh, and look around like you don't know who said that. kind of like back in gym class when 'someone' would accidentally pass gas during sit-ups.

but i wish you had written this last year. i've had too many home games with the home team [so...scrimmages?] when there are at least a handful of perfectly good frats on the other side of the city. oh well.

Anonymous said...

Yep. The road game is definitely better. As it turns out, my shitty little one bedroom apartment is apparently quite cozy on Saturday mornings/afternoons, because the last two girls I've brought home seem quite comfortable sitting around watching TV with me all day. It's nice to have company sometimes, but it can get awkward because you feel like you should entertain them and but the hangovers make it tough.

radioactive girl said...

Since I got married when I was 20, I don't have any experience with this. It was interesting to read the thought process though.

pistols at dawn said...

Some of it depends on the venue. Strange apartments? Fine. But strange old houses can be tough, because you can't, say, find the bathroom in the morning and then find the bedroom again.

Also, if she lives with people, you've got to do the end of the night, "Hey, your roommate/sister/good friend's going to need to make a life mistake now."

But I still go with the away game, because I know what my apartment's like.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Forget the Road Show or the Home game. I prefer the bar's bathroom stall.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: I love that line too.

Jov: See, you helped me threw how to handle those testicles laminated moments, and I showed you the beauty of the Road Show. We helped each other today, and that's a beautiful thing.

Anon: You must have established a lot of trust. That or you have a good cable package.

Radio: I didn't know you got married at 20. Your family sounds awesome though, and I really don't think crap like this and a-holes like me are anything to worry about missing out on.

Pistols: So, you're an explorer of sorts. Would you say a Conquistador?

Cherry: WOW! I had no idea. Were there lots of bathroom stall moments in your New Zeland adventures that you're yet to write about? . . .

Jake Titus said...

Nuetral ground and fake names. A $39.00 motel and alias is huge in preventing the follow-up phone calls and keyed car doors.

sequined said...

Whichever one is closer. Or depends on my roommates. I guess I do like being able to hit it and quit it, so to speak, instead of twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to get the fuck out. Though since I just admitted over on MY blog that I haven't had sex lately, my philosophy on one-night stands is probably kind of moo.

ReckenRoll said...

Away Game every time. Gancer, you and I would have to go with the hotel option since neither one of us would be willing to go to our own home.

That, or take up Cherry on his stall suggestion. Although, I don't even really like to pee in most public bathrooms so I can't really see enjoying myself much in there.

Just Wandering... said...

Hmm since I went to a small college, doing an away game meant a very public walk of shame. But having a home game meant getting shit from the girls in the sorority house when they saw him leaving. Tough one!

Sassy Blondie said...

I know it's incredibly boring, but I've never had a one-night stand....


But if I were to have one, it would have to be on the road...no way I'm taking some stranger back to my house. Of course, it's the stranger danger that's kept me from having one...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jake: What was your fake name when you pulled that stuff?

Seq: I'll have to swing by your blog and see why you're not getting any lovin'.

Reck: Don't take any dating advice from me or Cherry. Especially Cherry. Okay, fine. Especially me.

Wanderer: Interesting, yes? Now we'll see what you prefer outside the college world.

Sassy: Hard to believe, but respectable.

Mr. Shife said...

Definitely prefer to take the show on the road. For some reason my body knew I was in a foreign and possible hostile land so it would wake me up before I had to go coyote ugly on my wife for the night.

josh williams said...

Always the away game if possible. With the home court yes you have the advantage because you can entertain her with show and tell and then lead her into your room, but the rosy fingers of dawn sometimes strike like thunder and waking up with a real life mythical beast can be uncomfortable when it comes time to boot.
Years ago I had a date with a nice looking woman, we ended up at her apartment, her sister sneered at me, we then went to her room and made sweet love. I woke up dizzy
and sick to my stomach, I rolled over on her water bed and almost pitched everything I had charged the night before. I got up told her I would call her explained I was sick and then I never did because I associated her with the flu...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Another good thing about road shows: Sometimes the previous occupants of the motel room will leave you a used prophylactic in the waste receptacle. Free rubbers!!!

Jake Titus said...

Mick Steal. Contractor from San Diego. Glad to meet you.

Inchy said...

I remember travelling from Scotland to Belfast in Northern Ireland for my friend's stag weekend. Long story short, in the wee small hours of the morning I found myself in a house in the middle of a Belfast housing scheme, no idea where I was, wearing my kilt, with a girl giving me the simultaneous gifts of fellatio and a prostate massage, and what gifts they are! Upon completion of said task, she wiped her face on my kilt, looked up at me with big puppy-dog eyes, and said "Would you like me to phone you a taxi?"

I could have cried tears of joy.

captain corky said...

My friends and I used to call the guy who had gone the longest without any action, Father Time.

We also had a great contest for cash one Summer with a chart, gold stars and categories. Those were the days...

thisdayandage said...

I like "road shows" as well. it's good to be able to leave whenever I want. however, being in college, it's hard to say whether it's a road show or home game, because I'm still only a few minutes away from my dorm, and the other person usually knows where I live. kind of odd to think about...maybe it's just a pick-up game. or road shows and home games are equal. I'm rambling, and clearly I have no idea where I'm going with this one.

but jager is delicious.

classyandfancy said...

You should have written "privy to anything that trampspired during the road show".

My vote is for a home stand. That way I can avoid the whole awkward Room Raiders black light shenanigans prior to coitus.

Eve said...

Oh, definitely rather not be at my place, for all the reasons you mentioned. Also, sheets don't need to be washed asap.

But! There's also the chance of losing something, the walk of shame, and loss of the home-court advantage. Just putting that out there.

zen wizard said...

I would say the road game adds the exotic nature of the exotic locale to the mix so it is the clear winner.

Ron, apparently said...

I don't care, home or away as long as no-one can see how ugly she inevitably is.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I actually prefer a home game, mainly because when you tell a guy that he needs to leave, he doesn't take offense. If you get up and pull your pants on at his place, he suddenly wants to do the "cuddle" thing. 'Come on, dude, we both know it was just a sex thing, I've got things to do that don't involve you.'

5 of 9er said...

I took it as sleezy... sorry.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

i've only had 3 one-night stands in my life... and 2 were on road. like they happened during a road trip to another city... which were awesome! road shows are 1000 times better for sure. the 1 home game wasn't that bad, but she got my house number and even though she never made a surprise appearance at my doorstep, she called my home phone constantly for a couple weeks... it was awkward

katrocket said...

That's a hard call. I like the road show for security and anonymity purposes, as you have mentioned, But for the ladies, this can result in having to deal with biohazardous sanitation conditions.

Client No. 9 said...

Nothing beats a road game with an open mini-bar in Mayflower Hotel's Room 871.

I'll bring the condoms--yeah, right!!

Bah hah hah hah hah!!

Just don't bring those stupid demo tapes again...what do you think this is, American Idol?

zen wizard said...

^ Okay that was really me--but you have to admit that was pretty good.

Casey said...

I hate one nighters at my house. I don't ever know how to deal with the cuddling and it's easier to go through her stuff to find a name if you forgot it at her place. Otherwise you have to go out to her car and look for insurance papers or something.

zen wizard said...

You always said you wanted a woman who, "shares [your] taste in music..."

I am seeing a real Rene Angelil/manager/mentor-thing that could come out of this.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shifey: Great point. The body does know where it's at . . .

Josh: "Real life mythical beast!" Yes, waking up with goblin would be bad news.

Mighty: Reuse and recycle. Very responsible of The Dyk.

Jake: Mick Steal could lay the pipe, for sure.

Inchy: And you didn't marry her?? Great comment, and thanks for coming by. I'll return the favor.

Cork: Father Time! Hahahhaha.

Thisday: Yes, college confuses matters. Lots of gray areas.

Classy: Trampspired! Darn it. You had to upstage me . . . .

Eve: Haven't seen u in a while. Very well thought out responses.

Zen: True. Better stories to tell if it's a new place, but not that I kiss and tell, or that I've ever
been on a road show . . .

Ron: True. Keep that bar lighting and beer goggle look from start to finish.

Charm: Very dude like of you! Then again, this just may have more to do with your current attitude. Hell hath no fury . . .

Niner: Ha!! That's fair. I'm a charming sleaze though, and you know this. Guess this means I can't bring over girls when I babysit?

360: Yikes! You must have left some impression on that philly.

Kat: Thanks for coming by. I'll be sure to return the favor soon. Good point on that fact that men have gross apartments, especially bathrooms. I just cleaned the everloving shit out of mine, but before that it was kind of foul.

Zen: Ha! Not quite April Fools, but nice.

Casey: True. "Mulva? . . ."

Zen: That could be the start of a beautiful friendship. When you make 3 comments, it makes me happy in my pants, and I don't mean that in a gay way.

Ron, apparently said...

Thinking on, I suppose I'd have to err on the side of the away game, as Mrs. Ron gets really fucking annoyed when I roll up to our house with drunk, horny birds.

Drunken Chud said...

here i thought the first asterisk was for the mallrats reference. i suck.