Monday, January 09, 2012

Forever Lazy and Forever Behind the Times Here at The Gancer

Yes, I'm probably the last blogger on earth to see this commercial for pajamas geared towards weirdos who want to be lazy infants. This video . . . it fascinates me. Allow me to tell you, oh seven readers, chronologically, just how Forever Lazy pajamas are so warm, fuzzy, and creepy.

0:01: Have you ever seen people struggle so much to operate something I had thought mankind had perfected thousands of years ago: the blanket? That last woman looks like she's about to snap, the poor thing.

0:40: This guy has evidently decided to "party it up with friends" by calling over his buddies to watch the ballgame in their fuzzy jammies. Do you get the feeling that he insisted these kids slip into the Forever Lazies he had "just lying around," and then asked them to join him for a celebratory "cuddle fest" after the local team won the televised sporting event? I mean, I would cut the Forever Lazy commercial-maker-people some credit and say it was a harmless afternoon of a father and his sons, but they're the ones who painted the picture of some grown-ass-man "partying it up" with his prepubescent "friends"

0:41: Are they suggesting that it's easier to get close to animals when you, like them, have a full body coat of fur? Okay, I guess I can see that. I don't take issue with this. Next . . .

0:58: Now, I don't get how they're billing these get-ups as the best way to get lazy as hell, but then they're saying it's good to wear them when cramming for an exam. I'm concerned this young man will doze off to sleep into his Western Civ book and hibernate through the whole semester like a big, lazy pink bear. Slip some jeans on, sir, and . . . Wait! Is that his asshole roommate, also wearing pink Forever Lazy, loudly and quite rudely shooting Nazi's in the face in "Call of Duty" with his feet up while his poor roommate is trying to study for his midterm? More importantly, do these boys have no fear of being made fun of unmercilessly for cavorting around together in their dorm room in their matching pajama onesies?

1:00: Now, when they say that going to a ballgame in a big group, all wearing Forever Lazies, will make them the talk of the next tailgate, do they mean that they will be talked of in a favorable way, because I have my doubts about that.

1:15: And this takes us to the coup de gras - how to go pee and poop in one of these contraptions. There are zippers both in front and on back, of course. Am I to believe that these folks going to the ballgame are to sit their furry asses down on a toilet seat, sucking up all those germs and crabs onto their furry pelts? Yuck. Count me out for that post-game "cuddle fest."

1:20 to Rest of Stupid Commercial: If you order now, as if wearing one of these things doesn't sound quite lazy enough, you also get a neck pillow. And if you don't think that you feel nearly enough like a baby, you can also get something you probably haven't worn since you were an infant: Footies!

If you and your friends order a bunch of these and attend a ballgame in them, I'd like you to send your videos to And please don't send any videos of you doing your number one and two's through the flaps or any furry love making, also utilizing the flaps, as that's not something I'm into. Yet . . .


sybil law said...

I think *someone's* a little pissed he didn't get his adult onesie.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Thanks for reading. I really feel like I've done something . . . important here. Now, where can I get Superbowl tickets? Oooh! I just had a terrific idea: Forever Lazy/Zubaz! Oh man . . . I need to write that one down. Damn Forever Lazies have no pockets for pens . . . Just flaps for wieners.

Andrew said...

The first time I saw this on the internet, I thought it was a joke.

But then I remembered that this is America.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: I thought the same thing! Shit is hilarious.