Believe it or not, there is so much crime in my hometown of Chicago that there is a section on Chicagotribune.com with that very title. Here at The Gancer, I'd like to help stop crime by assuming other crimes that these guys have done based solely on their faces and make fun of people who are innocent until proven guilty. But let's face it - they probably did it.
This fella is charged with attempted murder, but because he looks so much like Thom York, I'm going to say that he's also guilty of a couple years of brilliance followed by years-of-years of aimless moaning and groaning like a sick cat over drum machines and tape loops.
This ruffian is charged with aiding in child molestation, aiding in child exploitation, aiding in voyeurism, aiding in theft, and possession of child pornography. Now, to aid in voyeurism, is that like holding a ladder while another guy peeps in a window? We're also charging him with playing second fiddle too much to a real pervert.
This idiot stands charged of aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult. Now, when you batter someone, throw a brick at their head, don't just provoke and insult. Just like grade school: No name-calling, young man! In addition, with that horribly dumb smile of his in the mug shot, The Gancer is formerly charging him with smiling entirely too eagerly and creepily for your mug shot. I think he may have been the lead pervert with the overly helpful assistance of Suspect #2.
If you have any suspects you'd like me to make assumptions about and make fun of, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. With your emails and my assumptions, together we can stop crime.