Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Mugs in the News

Believe it or not, there is so much crime in my hometown of Chicago that there is a section on with that very title. Here at The Gancer, I'd like to help stop crime by assuming other crimes that these guys have done based solely on their faces and make fun of people who are innocent until proven guilty. But let's face it - they probably did it.

Suspect #1

This fella is charged with attempted murder, but because he looks so much like Thom York, I'm going to say that he's also guilty of a couple years of brilliance followed by years-of-years of aimless moaning and groaning like a sick cat over drum machines and tape loops.

Suspect #2

This ruffian is charged with aiding in child molestation, aiding in child exploitation, aiding in voyeurism, aiding in theft, and possession of child pornography. Now, to aid in voyeurism, is that like holding a ladder while another guy peeps in a window? We're also charging him with playing second fiddle too much to a real pervert.

Suspect #3

This idiot stands charged of aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult. Now, when you batter someone, throw a brick at their head, don't just provoke and insult. Just like grade school: No name-calling, young man! In addition, with that horribly dumb smile of his in the mug shot, The Gancer is formerly charging him with smiling entirely too eagerly and creepily for your mug shot. I think he may have been the lead pervert with the overly helpful assistance of Suspect #2.

If you have any suspects you'd like me to make assumptions about and make fun of, send them to With your emails and my assumptions, together we can stop crime.


sybil law said...

That's funny - I just went through our own local criminals site last night! One chick was hysterical! Uh, in that mean, make fun of crackheads way, I mean.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sybil: Making fun of crackheads is always funny. "Get out of here, cracky!!"

radioactive girl said...

Did you see that the kermit voice guy from the bachelor got arrested? Not in chicago, but your post reminded me of his mug shot especially because he also looked so happy in it.

My daughter saw one of these and said "he looks like a child molester". I didn't even know she knew what that meant. Awesome.

Heff said...

Suspect #3 Is obviously an ANGRY GAY, who looks too complacent when arrested.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't think voyeurism on its own should be a crime. Suppose the "victims" are exhibitionists? That's how the dogging craze got going.

b.burjan said...

haha..i love that section in the trib online, hardcore...i think you're onto something here, doc.

Andrew said...

There is nothing better than looking at an awesome mug shot. I'm rather partial to the one my cousin had taken this past summer that was in the local mugshot magazine.

Mr. Shife said...

First, Starscream sends her regards. Secondly, The White Mamba is awesome. Taj Gibson might as well stay on the IR because he has lost his job. Thirdly, your assumptions are excellent, funny, and awesome. I will be on the look out for suspects, and I am looking forward to stopping crime with you.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: Encouraging that your daughter can spot a perv.

Heff: Angry gay? hahaha

Gorilla: Yes. If she is dancing around her apartment stark naked with the windows open, there is no way in hell I should be charged with veuyerism, or however you spell it.

Burjan: Fun section, right? Especially when sports in this town are so suck.

Andrew: You can't beat them, especially celeb mug shots.

Shife: I'm commenting a year later. I miss the Mamba.