Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Non-porno Movies That Make a Guy Reach for the Tissues

My roomy and I were watching Remember the Titans the other day, and he said it’s on a short list of movies he can admit to crying during. This led me to assemble a list of the All Time Greatest Male Tear Jerker Films in no particular order.

1. Old Yeller (1957): Everyone has lost a dog at some point in his/her life. Sure, not all of us have shot our frothing at the mouth dog in our backyard, but I think you get the idea.

2. Hoosiers (1986): That scene at the end when Gene Hackman is giving his speech and they are zooming in on the picture . . . I’m dripping tears onto my flipping keyboard just thinking about it. Let’s just move on.

3. Field of Dream (1989): “Dad, do you want to have a catch?” That’s all I have to say, ladies and gents.

4. Brian’s Song (1971): I love when Billie D. says, with a tear in his eye, “I love Brian Piccalo.” Come on?! The heterosexual, man-love flowing between Lando Calrissian and Sonny Corleon (just look at him presenting in this photo) is so THICK in that movie, and it teeters at the brink of gayness. I’m surprised Billie D. didn’t slip him some Colt 45, take advantage of him, and say, “works every time.”

5. Rudy (1993): Didn’t we all want him to finally get in a game? And then when he gets that meaningless sack on the quarterback we are as happy for him as a fat Jon Favreau.

6. Electric Horseman (1979): This one gets me every time when Robert Redford talks about his reasoning for setting the horse free, and there is a likeness between the aging rodeo star and the aging racehorse. Okay, this one wouldn’t make anyone else’s list, but I can’t discount a movie that gets the waterworks going every, damn time.

So, what are the commonalities of the male tear jerkers? It appears as if a guy needs an animal or sports to justify crying, which means Ed (1996) and Gus (1976) are the ULTIMATE male tear jerkers. If only Both films had taken a page from Old Yeller, and culminated with both animals being 'put down' by means of shotgun.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO WEIGH IN HERE? WHICH FILMS HAVE I MISSED.

16 comments:

classyandfancy said...

Even though I am not a fella, although I do play one on tv, I will put in my two cents, because, well, I always do! You are missing some crucial movies here. Here goes the missing gems:

1) MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate (2001)
2) Breakin' (1984)
3) Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)
4) Purple Rain (1984)
5) Three Men and a Baby (1987)

They all meet your sports or animal requirements. Even Purple Rain where playing guitar and looking fabulous coming out of a bathtub is a sport and Three Men where, I don't know . . . making babies and dealing with Steve Gutenberg is a sport?

Anonymous said...

Big Fish. The dad/son connection is a tear-jerker.

Cherry Ride said...

I agree with anonymous. I saw that movie days after my dad had a heart attack (he's fine now) and I swear to God the total stranger in the seat next to me got up and moved because I was audibly sobbing.

I would give you a list of the other movies that make me cry, but you'd then think I was a total pussy.

...Let me rephrase that: MORE of a total pussy than you already think I am.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

classy: That connection between Turbo and Ozone is INTENSE.

Anon: I willl give you props on Big Fish. I can relate to a father that tells the same damn stories over and over and over . . .

Cherry: Freaking people out with your man-crying is impressive. Keep doing what you're doing.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I was blind drunk when I wrote those responses to your respective comments, and I must say, I made myself laugh.

Cherry Ride said...

Hey, I'm posting a second time. Someday, Gancer, if you are lucky, I may just post THREE times for you. But only if you're lucky...

laura said...

My vote is for The Bodyguard with Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner.

I think men cry at the end because they realize that 1. this was two hours of their lives that they are never going to get back 2. the girl next to them is totally not hot enough to make the whole thing worth it.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry- Classy is green with envy. You should give her a token second post too.

Laura- I almost forgot about that absolutely crappy film. How about that scene when she seduces him with the sword? Do you think Kevin tooted a line of blow or two off of her ass?

laura said...

For Kevin's sake, I hope so.

I think a true tear-inducing movie is In America. My one of my exes shed a few tears during that movie. But then again, maybe he's a big pussy.

ps: I cried during the movie.

mysterygirl! said...

I love your title, and I completely agree that Ed and Gus should be put down. Matt LeBlanc, too, while we're at it.

I watched both Rudy and Hoosiers in the last month and wept during both... then again, I'm a chick, so I'm allowed to cry at everything.

Loudlush said...

Well I'm not a bloke, and I rarely cry at movies so I'm spectactularly unqualified to comment here... but as that has never stopped me before:

1. My boyfriend cried his eyes out over the English Patient. I think it's because he knew that I'd be fantasising about Naveen Andrews whenever we were in the sack from that point foward.

2. I cried over The Joy Luck Club, but I think that's because I realised that Andrew McCarthy was still as cute as in his 80's heyday and I... wasn't. Sniff.

3. Saddest movie evah: Dumb and Dumber. Learning that John Denver was "full of shit" was an emotional jolt that I'm yet to recover from

Loudlush said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mystery: I think it is time for Matt LeBlanc to be youthenized, or however you spell that.

Lush: Hahahahaha on the Dumb and Dumber reference. Wait, they say he was full of shit because they THOUGHT they were in the state of Colorado. So, he's NOT full of shit. Don't cry just yet . . .

Z said...

I am terrible at thinking up answers about movies on the fly like this ...
but what, no Brokeback?
;)
(What?? Someone had to say it)

Ex's Canadian Uncle said...

Thank you, Z, for the Brokeback reference. All the others left their balls on a shelf somewhere.

Two films by Almodovar are always sure to do me in: Talk to Her (Habla con Elle) and All About My Mother (Todos Sobre Mi Madre.) If you have not seen these movies, they are some of the best examples of film making of the last 25 years, and both contain deeply profound scenes where a film watcher with a streak of intellectuality is sure to fall to pieces.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Z: I still haven't seen Brokebutt Mountain. I think I'd watch it if it came on cable, but for some reason I'm not rushing out to see it.

Uncle: I'll have to check those two out!