Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Pedaling His Way Through a Second Puberty

Floyd Landis*, Tour de France winner, has been accused of taking performance-enhancing drugs. “In his first public appearance since a urine test showing a testosterone imbalance cast his title into doubt, the American said his body's natural metabolism -- not doping of any kind -- caused the result, and that he would soon have the test results to prove it.”

In other words, “I have an ‘abnormally high testosterone ratio’ because I have a steady stream of testosterone pumping through me at all times. I’m ALL MAN! I had chest hair when I was four, my balls dropped when I was 5, and I banged my kindergarten teacher in between snack time and nap time when I was 6!”

This got me thinking about tests for abnormally high levels of estrogen in men. Shouldn’t someone test Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional? I think that Mr. Carrabba has been doping with estrogen for years to churn out puss rock of the worst order, and someone needs to ween him off of the stuff, fast.

I also started thinking about what my “doping” might be in terms of bike riding. Sure, the threat of being late for work gets the pedals moving, but I really think my ipod is the ace up my sleeve. I think if Lance Armstrong and I were racing along Lakeshore drive, myself with Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age bumping and him with anything by Sheryl Crow polluting his ears, I do believe I’d blow by him quicker than he dumped his wife and started dating an aging rock star, despite the fact that his ex stuck with him through nut cancer, and left a good job to help him start his nut cancer foundation.**

*Jesus, look at his face! If a man embodies an overly productive, fully functional testosterone factory it is this guy.
**Perhaps I was a little hard on Lance, and my fact-finding may have been suspect, but I had to get a good analogy for the speed at which I’d kick his ass, given a good series of ipod songs.


Steph said...

I don't get bike riders having to use performance enhancing drugs.
Like it's not really a SPORT surely. And it's not like there are massive prize money or huge sponsorship to be gained is there???

I dunno. Most riders have small nuts anyway.
So i'm told.

classyandfancy said...

If you need to get somewhere on your bike in less than fifteen minutes, might I suggest the following listening combo:

Ween: Stroker Ace
Motorhead: Ace of Spades
Sparta: Cut Your Ribbon
Trail of Dead: A Perfect Teenhood

Regarding the Lance, maybe his recent shacking up with Matthew McCona-what-what will enable him to unleash some of that extra bottled up testosterone. They probably play naked bongos with one another.

laura said...

Joshua Homme could inspire me to do many things. He's dreamy.

In spinning class, I keep pedaling to avoid the overwhelming sense of shame (that would accompany stopping) since the woman who rides on the bike behind me (who happens to have three children, works full-time AND comes to spinning class at 5:45am) looks relaxed -- all the while I am ready to pass out and fall off the bike.

Loudlush said...

Dr Ken, you did get it bang on right in your one sentence appraisal of the Life of Lance. Maybe you could make a packet selling it as the abridged version of his inspirational tome? I won't hear a word against Floyd though, he's a good Mennonite boy who's been framed. Bastards.

Oh, and re the previous post. Mmmm. Josh Homme.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph, I don't know about small nuts, but I have heard that long stints on a bike seat depletes the sperm count. Small nuts I think is an effect of steroid use, so yeah, they do have small nuts too.

classy, How funny is it that you said Ace of Spades right after a Ween song, and then Ween covers it in Wisconsin?

Laura, I get Josh Homme comparisons, but I'd look like Biz Marky if it meant I could play guitar like Josh.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Lush, I'm glad you agree with my assesment. I just wanted to make it clear that I don't know the whole story. How cool is it that I have to commenters on my blog who lust after Josh Homme from QOTSA? I have the coolest chicks ever commenting on this page. It's quality of commenters that matters not quantity.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

TWO not to. Sorry about the typo.

laura said...

I ran across this a few days ago. I think it might be up your alley.

link to book

Mo said...

Do you think Chris Carrabba has to tape down the man boobs he’s grown due to his estrogen doping? He looks pretty flat to me but he probably just pulls the duct tape extra tight so as to appear buff in his fitted tees.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Laura: That book does look interesting. I wonder if it can explain why every white man in America thinks he can run up a million steps and beat up the Chicago Bulls when he they hear the Rocky theme.

Mo: So you're with me on the Carraba estrogen doping theory? I think I saw some duct tape through the hole in his armpit when he raised his hand during a poignant moment of one of his whiney songs.