Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Diamond in the Rough

A friend of mine just hooked up with a gal he had been chasing for quite some time. She's one of those nerdy girls who is cute, but you only notice it after spending a lot of time with her. It took him a while to make any successful moves on her, despite the fact that he heard from one of her friends that she liked him a whole lot, because she just doesn't have a flirtatious nature about her. After finally reaching first and rounding second*, he discovered that she has a sneaky great body. Allow me to recap:

He's got himself a girl who:

1. Is cute, but not at first glance to draw a lot of attention from scum bag dudes.
2. Isn't flirty.
3. Has a hot body behind closed doors, which is tough to notice on a day-to-day basis.

What he has is a "diamond in the rough."

Today I get this text message from him:

Gancer's Buddy: Holy shit. I finally got to see Blah-blah-blah's** "diamond in the rough" package full on last night. Amazing . . . She has the body of a woman in 1970's porn, if you know what I mean.

Gancer: (I was playing center in a softball game at the time, so I just sent a quick one) Big bush?

Gancer's Buddy: LOL. I was talking more about the nice hips and good size to everything. Not like typical girls now a days filled with chicken steroids.***

Gancer: (Still playing softball) Oh. That’s good too. Hahahaha****

I’m sorry if this blog was gross, but everybody talks about that stuff, right?

It’s your turn, seven readers: Tell me in the comment section who you think talks about details in their sex life more, men or women? What about gay men and women? Anyone want to weigh in there?


*Sorry about the baseball references, but the Cubs are in one of the best teams in baseball. It’s on my mind more than S-E-X. Well, almost as much. For those of you who need a refresher on what each base means, second base is feeling boobies.

**I left her name out, and in its place I used the Biz Markie method of anonymity.

***Can anyone find some hard facts about how the steroids in chicken effect breast growth in women or anything else?

****I can’t stand when people say LOL, so I always use the “hahhahaha,” which is only slightly less lame. Any edge I can get on eventual lameness . . .


Falwless said...

Holy shit, I do the "hahahaha" instead of the "LOL," too, to cut down on lameness. I'm pretty sure it's been proven to work.

We girls talk about everything. Okay, well at least my friends and I do. And I do mean everything. I don't think guys go into such great detail. Sure they'll mention a hot body or a nice rack, but I don't think it's covered as explicitly as it is in our circles.

I'm Not Carrie Bradshaw said...

wait, does chicken steroids mean they have biggity boobs or tiny ones? I'm so confused.

TSTuesday said...

I loathe "LOL" or any other abbreviation that is used in IM/texting. I spell everything out because I feel that the younger generations r bcmng stpd by not spelling things out.

Women speak just as graphic as men, we just cover it up by saying things like "I was on my period" or "and then the doctor said I should take a Z pack" in order to make it sound like we aren't talking about what you wish (read: know) we are talking about.

P.S. Get rid of that damn word verification thing for goodness sake!

Anonymous said...

Of course you were playing 16 inch softball, is there any other kind? I have/still do use LOL way too much, I am trying to break the addiction.

The Trailer Of Love

Casey said...

My dad once said at a high class dinner party my mom pressured us into: "Women are probably popping out tits earlier because of the cattle. They pump 'em full of steroids to make 'em grow teats faster and bigger. and if they can crap out half the corn you feed you feed 'em, they can sure crap out most of the steroids you feed 'em. And ever'body knows that shit just winds up in your ground water."

That statement irritates because A)It as an absolutely true and succinct description of how conservation of mass works in the science of environmental hydrology and B)I have had to pay money to a lot of people named Dr. Blahblahblah to tell me the same damn thing.

So the big, sloppy maximal bodies are probably due to the unmetabolized nastiness in our big, sloppy chickens.

mysterygirl! said...

I don't talk about specific sex that much with my friends-- I'll throw in a comment like "he has the biggest dick I've ever seen" or "I was surprised that he had a six-pack" but I don't go into detail about the actual sex unless something out of the ordinary happened. (I'll mention good-out-of-the-ordinary; bad-out-of-the-ordinary I usually keep to myself until we break up). On the other hand, I will retell my conversations and interactions with a man in excruciating detail. So there appears to be no payoff to being my friend.

M360 said...

I give my peeps some details on my GF, but seriously I think my GF gives her peeps a whole lot more. I don't mind tho.

Oh, and diamonds in the rough? Are AWESOME! My favs! Seriously!

Jenni said...

"Not like typical girls now a days filled with chicken steroids."

Another plus to being vegan.


Kritkrat said...

What do chicken steroids do? And why haven't I heard about it already? Damn.

I'll talk explicitly about sex, just not my own sex. Probably because I am not getting any. But if I ever do get laid again, I'll probably be telling even the paper boy about it. Girls talk about everything.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Fawl: I agree that women use more detail, but let's see what the other readers say . . .

Brad: Apparently, some people believe that girls growing up today have bigger knocks because of the steroids in the chicken they eat. I'm no scientist.

Chards: The word thing keeps the advertisers away. I used to get hit with them. Besides, sometimes it spells fun words randomly, like buttstink.

Ronnie James Dio: It was 12 inch. Not my choice. Girl ball!

Casey: Your dad kicks ass because he says "pop out tits" at a high class function.

Mystery: Here's hoping you get that guy with the six pack and the 12 inch.

360: If you don't mind what she's telling people, then u must be putting it down for the '08. By that I mean you must be sexin' your lady right. By that I mean it must feel favorable to her when you put your thing in her thing. By that I mean . . .

Jeni: I do eat chicken, so you can say I'm "juicing" like Barry Bonds.

'Donk: I hope you have some details for that paperboy real soon. Wait, why don't you just nail the paperboy and take care of both situations. I'm having Dejavoodoo.

Drunken Chud said...

dude, chicks SO talk in more vulgar detail. at least i like to think so cuz it makes me feel a little better about being so damn open and vulgar about my sex life.

i haven't had a diamond in the rough in a while. i like the trophies. mostly cuz i'm shallow as fuck.

Ivonne said...

So, if I eat more chicken it might help me get bigger (read: better) boobs?

Girls do talk about that stuff,in great detail but not as often.

Lauren Elizabeth said...

I had a gay roommate that would wake me up in the middle of the night to introduce me to the guy he brought home. In the morning he would tell me all the details. He was way worse than any of my girl friends.

JerseySjov said...

from my real life experience, id say that girls and gay guys talk more abt their sex lives than straight guys.
and from my blog-reading experiences, it seems like guys are more into the broad-generalization/exaggeration talk whereas the ladies are more detailed.
the lesbians i know are pretty close-mouthed about their sack sessions.

Brunhilda said...

I feel like a whore going into too much detail with many of my friends, and some of my friends have found my blog, so now I feel marginally like a whore EVEN THERE! But I guess the solution to that is either embrace it or give it up, and the latter isn't fun.

So I talk about sex and stuff. Is the short answer.

Anonymous said...

I think that men talk way more than women about the details of their "partners" body. Something would have to be really out of the ordinary for me to comment on specifics of a guy's body. I'm always grossed out to hear guys talk about how much "bush" is there. Gross.

Unknown said...

"diamond in the rough"...yes, an accurate description. i concur.

(by the way, it's raining here)

Zen Wizard said...

I hate "LOL," because it is really rare that a person reading something on a fucking phone is ACTUALLY "laughing out loud."

I think I have probably actually laughed out loud maybe THREE TIMES at shit on the Internet or whatever--and I have read a lot of funny shit, but it is just really rare that you are REALLY laughing out loud.

You are usually more like laughing INSIDE--or stifling a chuckle or whatever.

It's like on a TV show when the guy wakes up from a dream sequence and lurches up in a forty-five degree angle and says, "Huh!!" How many times have you really done that in your life? Maybe three...

LOL is just one of those modern cliche's like "Pay no interest until 2012!" or some exaggeration/misrepresentation that we start to take for granted and slowly "LOL" will cause the death of Western civilization...

Anyway--what were we talking about?

Stealth chicks that nobody else but YOU realizes are hot?

Yes, they are pretty cool...plenty of wood behind closed doors where it matters; fewer bar fights over the stealth hot because nobody realizes she's hot, resulting in a nice "hard-on/concussion"-ratio.

The only negative is you don't get that, "Everyone-looking-at-you-in-the-restaurant-and-wondering-what-you've-got-because-at-first-glance-you-are-with-a-hot-chick-apparently-out-of-your-league"-effect.

But the ELAYITRAWWYGBAFGYAWAHCAOOYL-effect is highly overrated, anyway.

And now that I think of it, it does not make a very good acronym...

Mr. Shife said...

I think both sexes talk about it equally but I think men are more superficial and don't really get too deep. We talk about the boobies and the butt or the big bush. The big bush would have been my reaction too if someone said a '70s porn body. Those things are scary. I saw a wolf beav once and thought I needed a tetanus shot afterwards.

villageidiot said...

I like zen's acronym. I always aimed higher (out of my league) for the simple fact that sometimes they said yes. love how that works.

and I agree with those that said straight guys talk more in generalities about sex, more than women and gay guys.

villageidiot said...

oh, and diamonds in the rough? always the best, in the end. (no pun intended...)

Heff said...

I like Big Tits. Ok, no "lol" from me.