Wednesday, December 22, 2010


So, what makes a good burrito and what makes a shit one because good ones need to be a little bit shitty to be any good. After all, when you get one from Chipotle, it's always nice and quick and clean, but that rice sucks up all the grease, and can you really have a good 'rito when the grease doesn't soak through the bag, making an awesome grease stain?

Another qualification is they have to have Jarritos, the Mexican soda, preferably Lemon Lime if they got it. Furthermore, they need to have tongue on the menu. I don't want to actually order it. Fuck no! Can you imagine actually eating some disgusting cow's tongue? Putting the inside of a cow's mouth into your own mouth? No! That sounds like the worst thing ever, but they need to have it as an option to give it that street cred.

Also, it's bullshit if they have things like hot dogs and cheese fries on the menu. Don't try to cater to us Gringos and our horrible taste. We're idiots! Haven't you learned that in your tenure in our shitty country?

So, have some grease, but not too much, and throw some Mexican soda our way, don't have any bullshit like cheese fries on the menu, and I want some tongue on the menu - but I don't want to eat that disgusting shit. Then again, if I'm drunk enough, I really don't care about any of this; just fill my belly so I'm not so damn hungover in the morning.


Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't see how you can judge a Burrito without commenting on the filling. A Burrito without filling is just a tortilla, right? If the beans don't taste good I'd rather eat samosas.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla, you are my bomb commenter. You come by immediately with a comment. Yeah, I could actually do without the refried beans, but I don't like to hold anything, even the cheese and sour cream because I'm lactose intolerant. There's no point in trying to avoid a bad toilet experience afterwards; there's no stopping it, so why try?

Radioactive Tori said...

I always get mine with no rice. This is where the comment should stop but you know me and my TMI. Rice is very binding and even burritos don't reverse that effect in me. No rice in my burritos and if they mess up and add it anyway I am going to have a stomach ache for a while.

Whenever I hear the word burrito, I think of Beavis and Butthead. Did you ever watch that? I watched it drunk in college all the time (probably while eating burritos).

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Radio: Did I ever watch "Beavis and Butthead?" Are you kidding me? Dick and fart jokes? They're my idols.

Keep binding up with that rice. Heck yeah.

Heff said...

I think you used the word "shit" more than "burritos" in this post.

Burritos...shit...shit...Burritos....I've SO CONFUSED !!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, Dr. Ken !

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: There's a method to my madness because you know the two words are related. Also, I was piss drunk when I wrote this, and I swear more that way.

Merry X-mas back at you, big fella.

HeatherLynn said...

Hi there DKN! Yeah, yeah, i know...crawling out of the woodwork just to say hi to you....and to post something so as not to FADE away entirely!

I have to say, there's NOTHING like a good burrito...I think at one point this summer, i was eating burritos (chicken ones) every night of the week for dinner!

They are ridiculously addictive! Cheezy, ooooweee....goooey goodness wrapped in a tortilla! yes, yes, i couldn't agree more that the world's a better place with Burritos.

and I ain't EVER eating tongue, drunk OR sober! :)

Merry Christmas Angel!


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Lynn: Merry X-Mas to you. What would be in a Christmas burrito? Candy canes? Some sort of egg nog cheese? That would rule.

JerseySjov said...

the best fuckin burritos ive ever had: anna's taqueria. boom.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: I like the sound of it. Do you get a grease stain if you get a to go bag?

JerseySjov said...

they wrap them up really well in the tinfoil, but if theres a crack then yes, you get the stain. also there's also a glorious part when you only have maybe 1/4 left where it all falls apart and you have to just animal out and shove it all in your mouth

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: Oooh. I like that last part. I like when the grease runs down your hand, down to your elbow.

Merry Christmas!