Tuesday, November 03, 2009

What Critter Would You Shtupp?

I was at a bar not too long ago, and somehow, I'm never sure exactly how, we got talking about what animal we would fornicate. We're talking you have to do it, like your family is in danger if you don't run over there and hump that rhino, your whole family is offed execution style. I'll now give you the results, protecting their anonymity, as no one wants to be known as a monkey fucker, or whatever the case may be.

1. 23-year-old Female: Horse. Ouch! Later she said that she meant she would "F" the horse, but no, there are no use of strap-ons. That doesn't count! I never got another answer.

2. 24-year-old Female: Octopus. She liked the idea of tentacles all over various parts of her a body; she likes a multitasker.

3. 35-year-old Male: Hippo. "Big, wide ass" he said, demonstrating the width of the hippo's hands with his massive hands.

4. 32-year-old Male: Dolphin. "They're always smiling, they're the only known animal to have sex for pleasure, and nailing a dolphin would be somehow . . . beautiful."

5. 27-year-old Male: Human. "A human being is an animal." Booooooo! That was cheap!

6. 25-year-old Male: Dolphin. He then sited the same random statistic the other guy said about the dolphin having sex for pleasure, despite not being there for that conversation. This excited the previous subject who then drunkenly blurted out, "We're breaking into Sea World and fucking dolphins!"

7. 23-year-old Male: Monkey. "They're the closest to humans." Is that really better? I think I'd rather have something furthest removed once I'm out of the realm of humans, as I've been with some at the brink of exiting that realm.

8. 26-year-old Female and Bartender: Cat. She did not have time to elaborate, but I guess she's a cat person. We elaborated for her, speculating that it may be good to have your cat declawed before attempting this, unless that element of danger gets you going.

What is the point of this exercise you may ask? Well, ask yourself, is there not a difference between a girl who wants to be titillated by the various extensions of the delicate octopus and the one who wants to be railed by a big, hulking horse? I'd say so.

How about you, Seven Readers? Which animal would you make love to, and why?

And remember, there's a blog below posted moments ago, so try to get by and comment on that one too (still posting two a day to get caught up). Thanks!


JerseySjov said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JerseySjov said...

there is a difference between horse effing and monkey effing...what that is exactly i cant really say, but there is a difference.

as for what i'd choose...hm...
a nice big boa constrictor

HeatherLynn said...

Um, I'm going to go with a Lion.

We used to raise them....and I know the males, while they appear to be damn near biting the back of the heads off their female mates....they are really just love bites....

Here...read this: You'll want to mate with Lions too!

The mating ritual in lions involves a lot of physical rubbing and presenting leading up to the copulation event. Female lionesses engage in a lot of headrubbing towards male lions and then begin their sexual displays. Lionesses will lift their hindleg with their front paw or roll onto their back and bite at their hindlegs. Similarly, females will “present” by lowering their forebody and arching their back and hindlegs. The females do the presentation, and the males choose the estrous female they want. However, the choice pretty much means whichever presenting estrous female they run into first.

Lion mating is notoriously quick, repetitive, and unsuccessful. The male usually initiates copulation with a mating snarl which is intended to excite the female. If the female does not respond, the male lion may lick her neck, back, or shoulders until she complies. The enticed female will then crouch down, and the male lion will quickly mount her. The male lion during copulation will usually bite the neck of the female and let out a loud roar during and immediately after ejaculation. The male will then move away from the female as the female rolls on her back and stretches her legs. The mating activity generally lasts for about four days. Copulation lasts about 30-70 seconds and is repeated once every 25 minutes during the four day period.

you get to do it for FOUR days! Plus, the male lion rawrs at you when he getting off...and licks your neck and sweet talks you into doing it! yep, Lion, for sure!


JerseySjov said...

"lasts 30-70 seconds and is repeated once every 25 minutes during the four day period"
that would just get annoying to me!!

HeatherLynn said...

JerseySjov - well when you only do it once or twice a year, guess you got to get a years worth in at that time!

Naturally we'd all like more than 30-70 seconds (as a human, that's not worth taking my pants off for, but when you're a lion, you got freaking gazelle's to mow over....wildebeasts to slaughter, you ain't got time for long seductions and what not! ;)

Hence one reason I'm so happy to be a human....and a woman. I'm not a big fan of raw meat...


BeckEye said...

Probably a seal. They're my favorite animals, and there would probably just be a lot of rubbing involved. And swimming. And being awesome.

Casey said...

Yeah, I'm thinking the lion things sounds kind of awesome, but what if you lasted more than 40 seconds? Would she kill you?

I'm just saying I would have to be drunk enough to fuck a lion, which means it's going to take a while.

Is anybody checking to make sure you finish up, or could you fake it?

HeatherLynn said...

Casey ~ I'm going to go ahead and say, it's your deal....if you live to tell about fucking a lion...you can fake the orgasm part all you want if it pleases you...frankly, a lot of dudes might not even be able to get it up for something that has teeth and claws and could devour his manhood in an instant...

wait, no i take that back, i know a lot of guys who date girls who are quite snarly, with teeth and claws....who devour their manhood in the instant the man appears weak and vulnerable....i like to refer them as high maintenance gold diggers! ;)



Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: So, the boa either means you are into size or you like to be constricted or both.

Heather: Those lions know what's up. Roaring, biting, and quick.

Jov: That's true. You'd be all, "Not again!"

Heather: What's even better is that they do all the hunting and the lion just sleeps and does it. That's why they're the King of the Jungle and I'm the Schmuck of the City.

Beck: So, if you pick seal and I picked dolphin, then we must be similar in some way. Proper.

Casey: Interesting points, and I'd expect nothing less. : )

Heather: Thanks for getting the discussion rolling! : )

HeatherLynn said...

DKN ~ anytime m'friend.


JerseySjov said...

dr ken: constricted; im no size queen ;)

hl: i dont know...i still cant get into the lion thing!
if i had to pick from the big cats i'd go for something a little sleeker, like a jaguar or panther

Casey said...

Heather: Trust me, the danger would only add to the desire. I fucked a drill sergeant once, and it was mostly awesome because I turned a total robo-bitch into a subjugated, doggy style teenager. Was it right to feel that way?

I just assume that Thor McPython and the Thunder Twins work on their own ethical plane.

Jenni said...

I'm going to go with the Loch Ness Monstor.

After all, he's kind of a celebrity. It'd be like srewing George Clooney.

Michael5000 said...

Starfish. I want to keep this thing as abstract as possible.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heather: You may pass up Jov for Number One Fan at this rate!

Jov: Constricted, eh? Does that suggest that you like guys who cling really closely, like to the point of controlling or just needy? Am I reading too much into this animal fucking?

Casey: Wait, was she YOUR drill sergeant? Gosh, that's like a Penthouse Forum waiting to happen. HOT!

Jeni: Shit! I didn't even think of mythical creatures. A Minotaur would be a good lay, I'm thinking.

Michael: Hmmm. You could bust off their limbs in the heat of passion, and they'd grow back, yes?

Michael5000 said...

That rough shit is messed up, dude. I'd be a gentleman with my starfish.

JerseySjov said...

physical constriction, but emotional space.
controlling/needy aint my bag outside of the sack. [hah, unintentional bag/sack pun]

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

5000: Hahahaha. Yeah, you would. Wine and dine and 69 that starfish . . .

Jov: Gotcha!