Sunday, December 06, 2009

Competitive Eating and Competitive Pooing


I was watching something about competitive eating with two guys wolfing down 20 White Castle burgers a piece, and I was wondering what their poos must be like after a showing like that. I mean, let alone the fact that even a small amount of White Castle will have you on the can for an hour, but 20 of them?

I then did some research about the sad, sad aftermath of competitive eating that you don't hear about, but you'll hear about it here at The Gancer . . .

According to PoopReport.com, yes there is such a site, Carson "Collard Green" Hughes, after putting down two and one half pounds of collard greens in 17.5 seconds, had a quite an experience that I'll share with you. Don't read this if you're easily grossed out, but if not, get a "load" of this because it's damn funny:

"Around 10:00 that night, the end result occurred," Hughes explained. "All those collards that went in had to come out. What a fast turn-around time! I guess roughage can speed things up a bit. For me, the collards acted like an internal scrub brush -- they cleaned me out from one end to the other. My stomach began rumbling with that all-knowing feeling that I must get to the bathroom quick. Once there, down came the pants and a big plop on the seat, and I was ready. Boy, just in time, because the explosion of a lifetime occurred. It could be compared to an atom bomb, but it was dark green in color -- soft, hard, and runny. A blend of stool. Some of it ended up on the sides of the bowl. Some in the back of the bowl. But most of it sunk to the bottom of the bowl when it hit the water. There were a few floaters that looked like whipped green mousse topping and were about the size of a moon pie. The level of the water rose about two inches."

Wow. Sounds messy! But wait, there's more? You may be thinking to yourself, "he paints quite a picture, but what did it smell like?" Well . . .

"My industrial-size fan in the master bedroom was no match for the fallout. The smell radiated out of the bathroom and right into the hallway and bedroom. It was not a pleasant smell. Lysol could not put a dent in this foul evil green monster that rested in the bottom of the bowl. After several flushes and several hours of spraying, it was finally tolerable. Good thing my wife was at work."

So, evidently if you're looking to get into competitive eating, you better set some time aside for the "aftermath," as it's quite an endeavor. Better have a couple magazines in the old shit house. And a mop. And two or three cans of Lysol. And . . . Actually, Dr. Kenneth is recommending right now that you just never, ever get into competitive eating.

8 comments:

JerseySjov said...

i'm not a fan about how he describes his poo using food imagery "mousse topping" "moon pie"... one wonders if he was tempted.

Heff said...

LOVED IT. Pass the greens....

Miss Organizized said...

That was absolutely priceless! I always wonder the same thing when I watch Man vs Food. That's a denouement I'm a little curious about!

Mr. Shife said...

I guess I never thought about the flip side of competitive eating. It is like they said in Spider Man, "With great eating comes great pooing." Maybe I am thinking of a different movie. Anyway they need to have competitive eating that involves corn and see what kind of damage is done to the porcelain thrones. And hey good time my captcha word is not prick today.

Jenni said...

Nobody needs to eat two and a half pounds of collard greens. Ever.

This summer we fed our dogs corn on the cob. It was cute because they actually ate it how corn on the cob is meant to be eaten. Problem was, they pooped corn for a month.

Whenever Burton (male Jack Russell Terrier) would venture to "his corner" of the backyard to poop we would yell, in our best "Fat Bastard" accent, "CORN! I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CORN!"

Good times.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: He was VERY descriptive. Did he keep a journal in the shitter to jot down notes?

Heff: Not to be deterred. Hahha. How come I can't get on your blog page anymore?

Organized: What goes in must come out, right? But some are scared to talk about nasty stuff like that. Not me.

Shife: Yes. GREAT pooing.

Jenni: I like your doggy corn experiment!!

Trooper Thorn said...

There are no competative eatign contests in Somalia. I'm just saying...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Trooper: I guess you're right. We should be nuked.