Saturday, July 03, 2010

We Have a Code Brown! Repeat: We Have a Code Brown!

I went for a run today, and things were going well for the first half. Then, with about a sixth of the way to go, I felt something. A feeling that can best be summed up by saying:

"When you're sittin' in your Chevy, and you feel something heavy - Diarrhea cha cha cha. Diarrhea cha cha cha."

I immediately started walking because I feared that if I kept running I might . . .

"When you're slidin' into first, and you feel something burst - Diarrhea cha cha cha. Diarrhea cha cha cha."

I walked, quickly, trying to focus on getting home in a timely fashion and keeping the beast in the cage. You ever have to talk yourself down and concentrate like that? It's quite the challenge, especially when Flip Wilson is right at that back door.* Everything had to be controlled down to a science at that point, even what song I was listening to, as some songs would aggravate my anus, somehow. At one point I got the shivers, like the cold sweats. That's when you're know that you're in some deep shit, so to speak. Believe it or not, there was a point where I considered ducking into an alley and having a poo, not unlike Smokey in Friday.

As I was walking through the final alley, the magic alley where a warehouse always throws away good stuff, I saw a pair of perfectly good bar stools, and I need some for an upcoming party. Despite having a stool problem of my own, I grabbed those two bar stools and continued on that home stretch. Then I had the phenomenon where your butt says, "Oh, sweet, we're close to home, so I can open the flood gates and start the process," and then your brain has to say, "No, you idiot! We're not there yet! Are you crazy? We're going to shit ourselves if we do that!"

Slamming the bar stools on my porch, I opened the door and left it open** - no time to be closing things, as that's not a step that brings me any closer to that bowl. You know when you have to crap so bad that you know exactly what that poo is going to be like?*** I could just tell that this one was going to be hot and splattery, and it was going to make my butt burn because I drank too much coffee, a protein shake, and a quiche. Quiche! What was I thinking? I'm lactose intolerant, and plus it had goat cheese in it. Oh, and I had somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand beers the night before.

Well, I was exactly right about it being a bad, bad scene on the pot. For the all important shower, I had to do that maneuver where I turn the water temperature down to a moderately cold setting and cool off the old "culo." I even had that rare instance where your body is so screwed up from the squirts that your balls pull way up into a tight little undercarriage.

I mark down what workouts I do on my calendar, and I think on this day I'll have to document "5/6 of my nine mile run due to a Code Brown."
*I know that's a bit of a racist phrase, but it's just too funny. For some reason, saying "taking the Cosby Kids to the pool" is more racist to me because it's just overused. Flip Wilson is so damn random and funny, that's it's somehow okay for me to say it, despite the fact that I'm insanely liberal.
**Oh shit. I think it's still open.
***You don't have to actually answer any of these questions.


JerseySjov said...

nothing like a good poop story to brighten up my day.

i know you said it was optional, but yes, i do know the feeling when you have to crap so bad that your butt sends an image to your brain of exactly what kind of trouble you're in for.

day after drinking shits are never fun. i have a friend who will alert me when he's had a bad case of the "d.a.d.s." as he calls them

Heff said...

Add some Budweiser for EXPLOSIVE FUN !

Happy 4TH !

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jov: The DADS! I like that one.

Heff: Yes. Explosive things are good for the fourth. Happy fourth to you too, bud.