Monday, September 12, 2011


All the time you hear people say, "Don't rain on my parade," but as my girlfriend, LSD, points out, who really likes parades, anyway? I think it's widely agreed upon that fireworks, whether done professionally or shot off very unprofessionally with no shirt or shoes and a beer in your hand, are way cooler than any stinking parade. So, don't rain on my fireworks? It doesn't quite work, does it?

LSD and I were saying how parade rainers, or as I call them, parade-shitters, can really bring you down. I'm sure you know the type: They're critical of everyone, they get annoyed when others have fun, they complain about everything, they're control freaks . . . any combination of these or any one of these to an excess would qualify as a bonafide parade shitter. Essentially, it's the person you envision when you listen to Bob Dylan sing "Positively Fourth Street," specifically the part about what a drag it is to see him/her (probably her).

So, here at The Gancer, to update this phrase, and to tie it in with the whole shit thing, here is what we shall use henceforth:

"Don't shit in my picnic basket."

You can just see it, right? Some jerk just opens up one end of your wicker basket packed with goodies and just craps all up in there, ruining everyone's afternoon with no regard for anyone but himself. That's just what the picnic-shitter does. He shit in picnic baskets.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Would you like to contribute a phrase of your own in the comments?


Gorilla Bananas said...

"Don't fart during my orgasm" might be worth saying once in a lifetime. John Vernon had a great line in The Outlaw Josie Wales - "Don't piss down my back and telling me it's raining!"

Radioactive Tori said...

I always call those kind of people fun suckers, as in they suck all the fun out of everything they are near. I am the kind of person who has fun doing everything, including making every surgery or bad thing that happens to me more of an adventure and fun suckers drive me bananas. If I can laugh just before surgery why can't they just not suck the fun out of things that really are no big deal? Your expression is awesome!

CurlyKateMcGee said...

haha fart and orgasm, perfect!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Those are both excellent ones to be added to the pile. Good work, Gorilla.

Radio: You are no parade-shitter, young lady. Keep doin' what you're doin'.

Curly: Especially if you "fartgasm" with someone between your legs.

Andrew said...

The Parade-Shitter sounds an awful lot like the Nasty-Ass Honey Badger.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: No, the Honey Badger is just fearless. He'd fuck up a parade, picnic, or just about anything else if he felt like it, but he doesn't have the benefit of reason. Human parade shitters should know better, yet they do it, time and time again.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

My go to phrase is "don't be a Debbie downer." sometimes I'll just call that person Debbie, and they will know exactly what I mean.

I need to get the visual of shit in a picnic basket out of my head now.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Too many Debbies out there.

Deborah F. Downer.