Rock You Like a Proverbial Hurricane

My interview with Matthias Jabs, guitar player from The Scorpions, who are embarking on their final tour ever, went live. Check it out to hear what Dr. Ken sounds like for those of you who haven't had the pleasure/annoyance.

I love writing, I love rock music, and I love discussing the rock, so it stands to reason that I was rather pumped about this opportunity. Hope you enjoy it . . .

CLICK HERE TO GET ROCKED LIKE A PROVERBIAL HURRICANE.

Also, I interviewed a female mixed martial arts fighter who is a really nice gal, mother of two, and she can whip some ass. Check that out here.

Keith Stone

I just saw this commercial for Keystone Light, and I don't think I've ever seen a commercial for this beer. Come to think of it, I don't think there is a regular Keystone, is there? Kind of like Amstel Light . . .

Anyway, have a look at their new spokesman, Keith Stone. His name sounds like the beer, he's "always smooth," and what's great is that he looks like a guy who would drink Keystone Light. Have a look . . .



I'm Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, and I support this message.

Big Fat Hen?

A remake of Nightmare on Elm Street is coming out, and I remember how I got freaked out when the little kids would sing . . .

One, two, Freddy's coming for you
Three, four, better lock your door
Five, six, grab your crucifix
Seven, eight, gonna stay up late
Nine, ten, never sleep again.

This, of course, is based on the famous nursery rhyme:

One, two, buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, six, pick up sticks
Seven, eight, lay them straight
Nine, ten, a big fat hen

I looked up this song, found that it dates back to the early 1800's, but there is no known explanation of the lyrics. It seems to me that it's a series of requests for someone to do stuff, and then they throw in that last line about the hen out of nowhere. Let's pretend for a moment Dr. Ken was there in the 1800's . . .

English Bloke: One two buckle my shoe.
Ken: Sure. I guess.
EB: Three, four, knock at the door
Ken: Okay, I'm on it, but you don't have to count like that. I'll hook you up.
EB: Five, six, pick up sticks
Ken: Wait, I haven't even got to the door yet. Do you want me to get the sticks before I knock or after? Am I giving this person sticks or can that wait?
EB: Nine, ten, a big fat hen
Ken: Do you want me to find a big fat hen and give it to whoever is in that house, or are you calling me a big fat hen? Either way, you got some big British balls saying some shit like that after I've done all this random crap for you. If I do find a hen at this hour, I'll gladly give it to the guy in the house, but not before I stuff it up your ass like a turducken!

Baby Wipes

In parts of Europe, Latin America , East Asia, and the Middle East, people use the bidet to freshen up their anus and genital areas after using the toilet. For those of you who don't know, this is the little sink thing that you squat over, and it sprays water down there - and some have a built in dryer! Here in the United States of America, which is supposed to be among the most advanced and powerful nations in the world, we primarily just use the toilet paper, leaving our butts less than fresh all day long until we can get in the shower for a proper cleaning. It's hard to take us seriously at the United Nations when we have the dirtiest asses in the room.

Because Dr. Ken* lives in the states, and he likes his rear end to be nice and fresh all day long to avoid discomfort and a feeling of general grossness, he uses baby wipes every time he poops at home. What's weird is that they say not to flush them, but there's no way I'm dropping those in the trash cans.** Gross! I guess I could buy one of those diaper genies you get for babies, but that's just weird. I suppose I could just keep it, and when I have kids, Ken Jr. and I could just share wipes and diaper genies . . .

On the package of my current wipes (I buy whatever is on sale because I'm frugal like that), it says "great for babies!" Now, I think that us Adult Baby Wipers need to come forward and admit to using them. So, I think, and let me know if I'm alone here, that it should read, "Great for babies, but they also come in handy for adult swamp ass***!"

Okay, seven readers, do you use the baby wipes, the bidet, just straight up toilet tissue, or do you have some cool trick of your own you would like to share to help all my readers maintain a cleaner tuchus?

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*No, this is not Dr. Ken in the picture. It's just some funny guy I found when looking for the bidet on google images. Whoever he is, he should feel proud that his mug pops up as the third picture when someone searches for the bidet on there.
**I realize that I switched from third person to first here, but I'm just not a third person guy. I started to feel like Dennis Rodman.
***or swass if you prefer. See definition two if you follow the link.
****And the winner of last post's caption contest is Beck Eye. She is one of the best bloggers I know, which why she is first on my blogroll. Actually, it's alphabetical, but she is really good. She posts a very in depth analysis of American Idol just after it airs, and she has caption contests of her own, only on a bigger scale because she has more readership than the doctor - think Dr. Ken around three years ago. Anyway, check her out if you haven't already because she's super-duper!

Caption Contest

It is time, once again, for yet another caption contest, so give us your best for this one, and I'll reward you by telling everyone how wonderful you and your blog are. Oh, and let's try not to have them all have to do with their race, shall we?

Scorps

The other day, I interviewed Matthias Jabs from the German rock band, The Scorpions, and as good as I'm getting at conducting interesting interviews with mixed martial arts fighters, it is clear that my passion for rock music lends itself much better to an opportunity such as this.

My first goal was making sure I was saying his name right. One would thing it would be pronounced "Muhthius" and "Jabs," as in, he through a lot of JABS in the third round. It turns out, it's pronounced Muhtius Yaabs. I was panicking for a pronunciation on youtube because all I could find were clips of virtuoso solos of his. Finally, I found a video of a DJ saying his name, asking him if it was right, and him saying that she did it perfectly. So, I said it just as she had, and he said the way I did it was "absolutely perfect." This guy was so polite, humble, likable, and just as engaged and as excited as I was.

It turns out this is the final tour for The Scorps. He actually points out that as a hard rock band, it makes even more sense to hang it up early because they pride themselves in rocking arenas, running around the huge stage, and that's just not something they believe they should be doing in their 50's.

I'm really pleased with how this thing turned out, so when I post it over at Starpulse.com, please give a listen to some snippets.

Thanks, and keep on rockin' like hurricanes, Seven Readers.

FTGG

Gancey Girlfriend's 16-year-old little sister was just here in Chicago for the weekend from Iowa, and for whatever reason, she really wanted to see a ghetto. Had I been driving, I would have been glad to take her over to some choice neighborhoods to see how the lower half lives, as cruel of an activity as that is, but since we were on foot, the best I could do for her amusement of city life was to point out a fat man dressed as a woman, only a Geisha Girl with a fan and those chopstick things in "her" hair.

You don't see Fat Tranny Geisha Girls (FTGG) in Iowa, so I guess that was better than nothing.

Die Some Eggs. Drop Some Acid.

An amazing accomplishment happened on June 12, 1970 when Dock Ellis pitched a no hitter on acid. Get a look at this terrific cartoon with an actual interview of Dock.



Also, have a look at Robin Williams describing just why it's really not easy to do much of anything on acid, let alone pitch nine no-hit innings. Whether you like Robin or not, he is the perfect comedian to explain the importance of this accomplishment.



Dock Ellis spent a lot of his life drinking and doing drugs, then he became a drug counselor after becoming sober, but unfortunately, in 2008 he died of cirrhosis of the liver.

To Doc and Jesus.

Pour out a little liquor for Dock.

It's Funny To Me, Damn It!

Are there any movies that you find hilarious that most people, including the critics, thought totally stunk?

I feel that way about Step Brothers (2008). When it came out, most everyone I talked to said that it licked. Then when it came on cable, Gancey Girlfriend saw it, told me it was hilarious, and she was right.

However, here is what the critics thought:

Roger Ebert from the Chicago Sun Times gave it one and a half stars, said it was too mean-spirited, and the characters swore too much for his liking. Oh, boo fucking hoo, Roger!

Peter Travers from Rolling Stone
gave it two and a half stars, and he said that while much of it is gut-busting funny, some parts are "funny not so much." How does a movie that busts your gut from laughing with a few bits that don't work only get two and a half stars? Isn't it the movie's job to make you laugh? If it does that, I'd say it's a success, and it should get the three stars because anything less implies a crap movie, as far as I'm concerned.

To me, the movie is funny as hell, and best of all, it added a word to the Gancey Vernacular: Doucher, as in, "I can't believe I've been living here for two weeks, and I'm walking around this place thinking I've got a huge doucher for a stepbrother"

How's about you, Seven Readers? Any movies you love and most everyone hates?

What I Have Learned Over Spring Break in Iowa . . .

. There is a country song with the refrain of "Jesus Loves You, But I Don't." I just love that because as mad as she is at him, she just wants to remind him that we're all God's children. I think it would be kind of rock star if she sang "I Hate You, and Jesus Hates You Even More." It may go against her core beliefs, but I guarantee she would have sold more records.

. Some Irish Wolfhounds can be the ugliest dogs you ever saw. Notice that I say some because I found some rather cute ones online. The two that wander the block of Gancey Girlfriend's parents' house look like 150 pound mutant wolfs with hunchbacks and ugly, ugly faces. I petted them, and as an animal lover, I grew to like them. However, that theory of so ugly they are cute, just didn't ring true in this case. They seriously looked mangy, deadly, evil, not of this world, and ten times uglier than the ones you see pictured.

. I like saying the phrase "like it's going out of style," but so rarely does it make any sense. For example, I had a gyro, and then went on a jog through the surprisingly high hills of Iowa. Panting and grunting my way up a particularly nasty hill, I thought to myself, "Man, I'm burping up gyros like it's going out of style." Could that really have ever been in style, and if so, were there people out there hurrying up to get out a few last belches before it was no longer in vogue?

Any thoughts on any of these topics? Anyone else want to share something they have learned with my seven readers?

Because He Loved Bender

I'm still working on this play, and while reading a book largely about John Hughes (I know, three straight posts about him), he said that he was approached numerous times about doing a sequel to The Breakfast Club, to which he said he could not because he cared to much about those characters. It got me thinking about my current project, and to be honest, all four of my principal characters could get run over by a bus or an Asian tour group on Segways, and I wouldn't give a crack. Meanwhile, this legendary writer cares for his characters as if they were his own children.

It made me think that I need to figure out just who my characters are, what they want, and I want to care about them like John cared about John Bender. Sure, Bender was a bully, an instigator, and a criminal, but also, despite being physically and emotionally abused by his cruel father, he was smarter than any of the kids in the honors classes (even though the hardest class he took was shop), and in just 7 hours time, he could woo the prom queen into a make out and an apparent girlfriend status. You see, I care about Bender, but I don't care for my guys just yet. Well, not all of them. I just did an exercise where I answered questions as if I were Jackson Bosley, the frustrated novelist in my story, and I think I'm beginning to like him. He's a self-absorbed prick, but he's just so darned witty and fun . . .

UPDATEs

If you look at my previous post, you will see something I wrote about John Hughes movies having no people of color in them, and when they do, they're largely stereotypes. I came to this realization when I was reading a book about the Brat Pack, and then tonight I read a part near the end where they discuss the whiteness of the films. Darn, someone else already made my point!

They also look to Long Duk Dong as an Asian stereotype, and one Asian writer stated that before Sixteen Candles he was compared to Bruce Lee (cool!), and afterward, he was destined to be tied to "The Donger" (uncool).

The book did not point out like I did the Latino and Black guys working the garage who steal Cameron's father's car, but they did point out how the Black guys in Vacation (written by Hughes) rob the rims off the Family Truckster.

You guys know any other movies guilty of stereotyping?

I'm reading a fantastic book that I think you all should check out called You Couldn't Ignore Me If You Tried: The Brat Pack, John Hughes, and Their Impact on a Generation. I have always loved John Hughes movies, and as a kid, without realizing it, The Breakfast Club was the film that made me start really appreciating good dialog, and it would make me want to see a better class of films at a young age, eventually making me want to become a writer: I was reciting long passages from The Breakfast Club while other kids were only getting off one liners like, "He slimed me."


However, as well as Mr. Hughes seemed to understand and portray the high school experience, the truth is, all he really showed us was the white high school experience. There were nothing but Caucasians in detention that day in The Breakfast Club. The only Black people in Weird Science* were the stereotypically Black guys in the all black bar, who were meant to be scary. The only person of any ethnicity other than white from Sixteen Candles I can remember was Long Duck Dong, the extremely stereotypical Asian kid who was complete with a gong banged every time he was on screen. The worst of all was Ferris Bueller's Day Off, in which the only people of color were the ones dancing at the parade and the Black and Latino guys working in the garage, who take the Ferrari for a joy ride. I don't recall any homosexuals in his films. Ducky from Pretty in Pink was close, but we were meant to think he was straight.

Am I wrong about this, seven readers? Anyone have any other examples?

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*Weird Science was snubbed by this book with the author saying the following: Weird Science, though written and directed by John Hughes and starring Anthony Michael Hall, doesn't get much attention herein because, though it's still a late-night cable TV fixture, it has virtually no cultural resonance." I couldn't disagree with this more. The story is about two dorks in high school who are resolved to just live their lives in obscurity and misery until one day when a woman they create on their computers helps them learn who they really are. As a guy who desperately wanted to get laid and be cool in high school, this is a story that "resonated" like a motherfucker to me, plus it's underrated in how funny it really is. Perhaps it's just a guy movie, but that being said, if there's no Weird Science because it's a guy movie, then there should be no Some Kind of Wonderful, which is included in the book, because that is a straight-up chick flick.

Buffalo Fries: How Bad Could They Be For You?

I was watching the NCAA games at a bar the other night, and I was hell bent on not getting fries with my wrap. This place had a lot of healthier options, but then I saw "buffalo fries," I just had to know what they were. I asked, and they're just fries smothered in buffalo sauce. I could tell by the look on the face of the waitress that they were killer.

So, I broke my no fried foods rule, ordered the buffalo fries, and yes, they were incredible. Oh, and then I washed it down with a deep fried snickers.

I have to go.

My Ab Roller wants to pick a fight . . .

Here is a snippet from pop singer Rihanna's new song:

Come here, rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here, rude boy, boy
Is you big enough

I can't believe this is on the radio. What kind of message is she sending to today's little girls out there? What a horrible example she is setting! After all, it should be "are you big enough," not "is you big enough."

For Old Time's Sake

If you look back at some of my posts a few years back, you will likely come across a blog about me going out drinking, talking loud and drawing a crowd because I did that a lot in those days. Now that I have a serious girlfriend and have grown up a bit, I don't often do that anymore, nor do I write about it.

But, last night was a celebration for St. Patrick's Day and Gancey Girlfriend's birhday, and as a result, it was a throwback to my latent frat boy period. You have to understand, St. Patty's Saturday in Chicago is just insane. People fill up the bars at 9AM. We were slackers, starting our boozing around 1:30PM. My plan was to drink one whiskey on the rocks an hour, and just sip it slowly, so that I could pace myself for the long haul. At around 4PM, Gancey Girlfriend pulled me aside to let me know that it wasn't working out because I was already kind of lit. I made the switch to beer, and I'm not going to tell you that it slowed me down any.

Whenever you go out in big groups, there are always bar changes where folks get split up. We did this a few times, and one time, just as we got to a bar, we got a text that the girls had already gone to a different one so that they could dance. Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP)* said, "Jeez, this is like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego!

It was the dancing bar where things got a little hazy and crazy.** For whatever reason, this bar which shall remain nameless seems to lead the nation in asshole guys hitting on other guys' girlfriends because it was going down left-and-right. I had to intervene with one guy who apparently, I didn't see this, balled up his fist like he was threatening to punch Gancey Girlfriend. What astounded me is that when I said, "Yeah, that's my girlfriend, so you can go away now," he didn't. He kept saying stuff to me that I either can't remember or couldn't hear, and I kept saying increasingly louder and more frustrated, "Just go away!" He eventually did, and he was thrown out.

What seemed like moments later, but it could have been hours later, another butthole was chatting up my lady while she was clear to him that she didn't want him around. I saw his arm go around her wais, and I just lost it. I talked to him, and basically had the same conversation I had with the last guy, only this one was worse compounded by these 2 simple facts:
1. I had just had this conversation with another a-hole, so I was really frustrated
2. This guy was twice the doucher that the last guy was.

It was a conversation about like this:

Dr. Ken: Sir, that's my lady, so this would be an excellent time for you to fuck off.
Doucher: (something rude with a mean, rude face)
Dr. Ken: Just go away.
Doucher: (Still being rude despite the fact that he's in the wrong.
Dr. Ken: What is it with these people? GO AWAY!!
Doucher: (Still being a turd, saying something assholish, despite the fact that, again, this guy doesn't have a leg to stand on)
Dr. Ken: Just go away
Doucher: Turd, turd, turd. I'm a turd.
Dr. Ken: Just go away
Doucher: Call me Turd Furgusen***
Dr. Ken: Let's step outside
Doucher: Sure.

Now, let me remind you that Dr. Ken's fighting record is 0-0-0. I have never been in a fight, nor do I have any idea how to fight. If I got in a scrap, I'd probably try some mixed martial arts moves that I saw on Spike the night before, and I'd undoubtably take an ass whipping that would likely lead to drinking through a straw and some reconstructive surgery on my big Swedish face. The second I said the words "let's step outside," I thought to myself, "Why the hell did I just say that? I don't know thing one about fighting," but I wouldn't have to fight on this night. A security guy came and grabbed Doucher, just Doucher, and walked him to the door. No one even laid a hand on me, so someone must have tipped off security, like someone had to remove the last jerk.

The life of a man dating a woman most people would agree is out of his league looks-wise is not an easy one, so it's good to know another place I need to stay out of, and this is one such place - so full of unbelievable uncompromising assholes. I was glad I was able to share with you this tale of drunken bafoonery, and I hope you were entertained. However, I need to grow up a little and leave the hazy and crazy (love that line!) posts to the college kids like Jerseyjov. She's a good writer, especially for how young she is. Check her out. Me, I'm going to go back to a mild mannered life and post boring stuff about the grocery store.
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*HLP, if you're reading this, it would be a great time to click the link and check out all the blog posts in which you come up!
**Just made that up. I rather like it.
***I have no idea what he was actually saying because I was lit, it was loud, and I was cutting him off and telling him to go away from us. If he had really said the Turd Furgusen thing, I would have probably had a laugh and bought Doucher a drink.

Also, click anywhere in this sentence for a link to the published version of my article about Rupaul's Drag Race.

Drag Race Preview

I'm going to publish this over at Starpulse, but I wanted to give you, my Seven Readers, a sneak preview of a write up I did on the show, Rupaul's Drag Race. Sorry, there are no pictures. I let Starpulse do that because they actually get permission for all their photos. I'll be sure to let you know when it goes live so that you can see what they do with it, as they usually do a pretty good job. If you catch any typos or grammar issues, go ahead and email me at thegancer@yahoo.com if you like. Here it is . . .

Have you seen this thing? This is the second season of this show, but it’s new to me, so I’m going to break it down for you, as I was surprisingly sucked into it. It’s just what you would expect, unless you expected drag queens physically racing: a number of transvestites compete in various competitions until one diva with caked on makeup, lofty ambitions, and a pronounced Adam’s Apple is left standing.

The theme of this show, or at least the third of the episode I caught, was a drag wedding, and as the “ladies” were putting together their gowns, things got heated. Apparently everyone hates one named Tyra, who was pasting on dress accents onto her bare skin with a hot glue gun and screaming like a girl. Well, I guess she is supposed to scream like a girl if she’s trying to be one, but this was really annoying. Besides, as one other drag queen pointed out, who uses hot glue on their own skin? The same guy/gal that pointed this out went on to say something like, “That’s right, bitch. Burn yourself.” This drag race was dangerously close to turning into a drag fight!

The contestants all came out in their dresses and pranced around, and it was about what you would expect, but then they showed wedding photos of them posing with the male versions of themselves in tuxedo’s, and that was just creepy. You have to really love yourself to want to put on outfits of both sexes to take a picture of you marrying yourself. What we really learned from this from seeing them as men next to the women versions of themselves is that it takes a really, really skinny man to be a somewhat convincing drag queen. So, as a woman they usually have manly bone structured faces and big “man hands,” and as men they are emaciated skinny. Either way, not ideal, but these drag queens seem to be loving life either way . . .

The judges picked the ones who faired the worst in the wedding bit, and, for those two, it was time to: “Lip sync for your life!” The winner would stay, and the loser would be cast off with Rupaul’s not-so-great catch phrase: “Sashay away?” They both did a good, enthusiastic job getting the judges’ attention, but ultimately the one who did a jump off the stage into a split was the winner. That really should have disqualified him or at least warranted an immediate genital check because how could he do that if he truly had a set of . . .

Anyway, this show is worth taking a look at because it’s doubtful you have seen anything like it. As for Rupaul, he/she is still prettier than around 70 or 80% of the contestants, but he/she is showing his/her age a little. After all, it was the early 1990’s that he/she had a hit. However, in his/her day, he/she would have been far, far more convincing than any of these contestants. Okay, that was a long way to go for that point, especially with all of those his/hers and he/she’s. Exhausting.

My only regret is that I didn’t see the episode just prior to this one, which was in a game show format: The Snatch Game. Biologically speaking, that just can’t be what it sounds like. It just can’t be . . .

Chris De Burgh Wants To Touch Your Boo-Boos

I was watching a show on VH1 highlighting the Top 100 One-Hit-Wonders of the 1980's, and when they spoke of Chris De Burgh, singer of the super wussy rock 1986 "classic," Lady in Red, they showed a video of him claiming that he has the power to heal people with his hands. He claims to have touched people's legs who could not walk on them, and, behold! - They could walk!

I cannot for the life of me find any video footage of the De Burgher talking about this phenomenon, so if you find a link, please leave it in the comments so that I can embed it on here.



This got me thinking about an old roommate I had and his quasi-girlfriend. The three of us used to drink too much and sing karaoke on the on demand cable, using a mini flashlight as a microphone. My roomy would always do Lady in Red. I would usually do The Rain by Oran Juice Jones, dropping the microphone like the end of a Chris Rock show after the spoken word part at the end of the song, and then I would go straight to bed. Keep them wanting more is what I always say. One night, however, I decided to throw down Lady in Red. Roomy was pissed. He said, "Don't you go trying to out-De Burgh me!"

Give Lady in Red another listen now, and let me know if you think this man can have some super-human powers. What power does this song have over you? The power to induce vomiting? The power to induce slow dancing? Let me know, oh Seven Readers. Let me know so that Chris and I may heal your soul. As always, be sure to turn off my music player on the left panel if you decide to listen to the video, unless, that is, you want to revisit The Rain by Oran Juice Jones.

Have Any of You, My Seven Readers, Seen . . .

Sea of Love (1989) starring Al Pacino and Ellen Barkin? Al plays a detective who goes undercover answering dating ads to catch a woman killing men, which is when he meets the incredibly sexy Ellin Barkin. I love this movie, but hardly anyone I have ever known has seen it.

Oh yeah, it also stars John Goodman, who a friend of mine met once, and apparently he has a head of gigantic proportions. I was at a barbeque when he told me this, and to illustrate the immensity of Mr. Goodman's skull, he said, in his St. Louis accent that was somehow almost Canadian, "It was the size of that propane tank over 'der."

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is not to tell about a portly actor's head but to say that that this film was the performance of a lifetime for Ellin Barkin because, as I said, she's sexy as all get out, but if you look really, really closely, she is not all that attractive. Yet, that doesn't at all stop her from being undeniably hot. So, without the benefit of natural good looks, like so many other leading ladies, she manages to exude nonstop sex appeal in every one of her scenes, and to be fair, her acting is quite good here too.

Can you think of any other actors or actresses who are hot despite not being all that good looking? I'll spot you Benicio Del Toro.

Sometimes There Are Just Too Many Bad Omens to Ignore

Have you ever seen the Omen (1976)? It is the story of a little boy, Damien, who unbeknownst to his parents, is the son of the Devil. His father, played by the always stoic, and in this case stupidly so, Gregory Peck, who despite seeing numerous insanely scary events, refuses to believe that his boy is the spawn of Satan. Now, I know that this is not something that is easily accepted. I admit that I'm one of the biggest skeptics ever: I'm not sure I believe in anything, be they Gods, aliens, ghosts, or anything else not proven by science without some hard evidence. That being said, I think if I saw some of the crap this guy saw go down, I think I'd change my tune sooner than 3/4 of the way through the film. Here are some of the things he was able to look past:

Damien's Nanny, at his birthday party, hung herself in front of everyone, saying, "I did it all for you, Damien," or something like that.

Damien intentionally ran his big wheel into his mom while she was fiddling with a hanging plant, knocking her off the balcony, killing her unborn child, the very child some priest told the father Damien would try to kill, and oh yeah, that priest knew she was pregnant before anyone else did.

That same priest also had a metal rod go right through his body during an electrical storm, killing him and skewering him while he was still standing, which is how the father saw him on front page news. Would a paper really publish something so gruesome?

They took Damien to one of those drive-through zoos, and after delivering just one creepy smile at them, all of the chimps went bananas and started screeching and jumping all over the car.

Another day, they tried to take him to a church, and Damien started panicking as they were pulling up. They said, "It's just a church, Damien." When they stopped the car in front, and it was clear to him that he would be going there, Damien started punching and clawing at his mother, bruising her badly with no apparent punishment.

Here's the one I really don't like: After their last nanny hung herself, a new one showed up before they even started looking for a replacement. She is obviously an unnerving woman and a Satan worshipper, and she brought a giant scary Rottweiler to protect Damien. Gregory Peck is all nonchalant about it, like, "Hey, I thought I told you to get rid of that dog." This woman is clearly a nut job. Fire the bitch!

In any event, I had to take a sick day today, and I was just lying on the couch this afternoon getting pissed about this guy looking past all of these things. Is there a movie you can think of where a character is a skeptic for far too long into the film, and don't say George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life because that movie is perfect.

Gay First Grader

As much as people on the Nurture end of the debate would like to convince you otherwise, sometimes you can already tell a kid is gay when he's in the first grade. I know some gay first-graders, and some of them wear sweater vests, some are into Hannah Montana, and some of them the only word you would use to describe them is "sassy."

Now, if you're going to try to tell me that there is something you could do as a parent to keep your kid from "going gay," then how do you explain gay first graders?

Parents, if your kid is playing Double Dutch at recess and he wants an Easy Bake Oven, don't go into panic mode and try to send him to some sort of Christian camp where they try to pray the gay out of him. Just consider this a time to start preparing yourself for the idea. Sure, his life might be difficult for a while with the teasing and fear of coming out, so why make it worse on him by putting added pressure of shunning parents on him?

Gay first graders are a reality people, and they're kind of cute, so it's time you accept it.

Are You Old?

Do you know what the hell Lady Gaga is saying in the gibberish part of "Bad Romance?"

I've decided that if you don't, then you're old. I'm officially old because I really tried to learn it by concentrating hard when I heard that part on the radio. I actually like the song. It sounds like the soundtrack at the happ-happiest gay bar of all time. Despite liking the song, and trying my hardest to commit it to memory, I can't do it. I have decided this means I'm old because if I were at a club (which I don't really go to anymore), and this song were playing, I just know that I would be faking it, and look around to find that all the 20-somethings know it by heart.

For the record, the "words" are:

Ra Ra-ah-ah-ah
Roma Roma-ma

GaGa
Oh la-la
Want your bad romance

Vajazzled

When you look up Vajazzling on Wikipedia, this is what you find: To Vajazzle is when a person decorates the outer labia of the vagina with adhesived backed crystals or faux gems. The term came to the fore front in pop-culture when Jennifer Love Hewitt explained it on "Lopez Tonight",[1][2][3] She has an entire chapter in her book dedicated to vajazzling.[4]

To me, any time I'm face-to-face with a vagina, it's a good day. Does Dr. Ken need sparkling gems or Swarovski crystals to enhance the experience? No, but how about you, readers? Here's a real pic, so you can judge for yourself.

If you ask me, these celebrities need to find better things to do with their money, but what do you think?

Your Mission, If You Choose To Accept It . . .

is to use the word "shit-assed" when talking to someone, as in "I went out for happy hour, and I drank until last call at two in the morning. I was completely shit-assed!" To my knowledge, this word, and I do mean word because it's hyphenated, is an invention of Dr. Kenneth Noisewater and unique to his vernacular. Sure, people say "I got shitty," or "I was shitty-drunk," or I was shit faced," or even "fit shaced. Some may also use variations on "ass," like, "I was drunk off my ass," but to my knowledge, shit-assed is a phrase all my own.*

So, please use that word in a sentence, and drop a comment to let me know the context in which you used it. And when you think of me, think of me kindly.

Wishing you a shit-assed weekend,

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater

*Just found "shit assed" on urban dictionary, but the definitions are for when you have a poopy butt or when something is broken beyond repair. Damn that Urban Dictionary. Well, still, when you use it, think of me, not the Godforsaken Urban Dictionary because any schmo can post something on that thing. They don't even have honorary doctorates like me.

As some of you know, I'm a big mixed martial arts fan, and I love all the personalities within the sport, which is why I like to interview them. However, Frank Mir, on a radio show, went way past being a flashy trash-talker, and right into an asshole/psycho realm with this statement he recently made about Brock Lesnar, someone who beat him badly the last time they fought:

"I want to fight Brock Lesnar. I hate who he is as a person. I want to break his neck in the ring. I want him to be the first person that dies (due) to Octagon-related injuries."

Sometimes an athlete will say, "we're going to kill those guys," but what Frank did was different all together: He said he wants to literally kill the guy.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Is that just some good media hype, or is that just going way too far.

Dr. Ken's No-No Words

I have noticed that kids say three words that weren't okay when I was a kid, and they shouldn't be okay now: sucks, retarded, and gay.

1. Sucks: When I was in school, it was your ass if you said "this sucks!" Now, it's perfectly fine, and in fact, kids are genuinely surprised when I reprimand them for saying this; They really have no idea that they have done anything wrong. The problem is, saying "this sucks" is really an abreviation for "this sucks dick," which I think we all can agree is not appropriate.

2. Retarded: I hear this one all the time now on TV, and I just don't get why this isn't offensive. What's good to do to kids who say this is to abruptly say, "Hey! My brother's mentally retarded." When they say, "He is?" Say, "No. I don't have a brother, but don't say that word in that sense. It's cruel."

3. Gay: If you're talking about someone being happy or homosexual, by all means, use this happy little word, but if you're using to say something is stupid, as in, "This is gay," what you're doing is equating being homosexual to being stupid, which isn't fair to gay people. What I say to kids is, "I have gay friends, so I personally don't like that word being used in that sense. Could you use another word?" They usually say, "What? You have gay friends? You're gay?" I think some kids think that gay people live off in little colonies and don't interact with anyone. I think that's probably kind of what I thought when I was their age. In fact, I probably said all of these words in these exact ways in any given day as a kid, but as a writer who values words and a believer that our words carry great weight, I try to do the little things to change how these kids talk, or at the very least, get them to think about it.

Top 10 Excuses To Use When Someone Passes You Up When You're Jogging

10. "That guy is probably running a shorter distance than me. He just goes out for a quick mile."

9. That guy is probably just sprinting like that at the end of his run. He couldn't possibly keep up that pace."

8. "I have a cramp."

7. "That guy is wearing tights from head-to-toe. It's totally okay to get passed up by those guys 'cause they're hardcore."

6. "F*ck that guy. I hate him."

5. "That only happened because I slowed down to find a good song on my ipod."

4. "He shouldn't run that fast. He's going to get shin splints, a herniated disc, and a decreased sperm count."

3. "It's okay for one or two to pass me up per run, so long as everyones not flying by me. You're okay, just focus . . ."

2. "He's probably one of those guys who just can't be happy unless he passes everyone up. He's messed up. I pity him."

1. "Look at him; He runs like a dork. I'd rather run slow than run like a complete doucher like him."
___________________________

NOTE: If you're a man, and it's a woman passing you up, that's a whole different list of even more imaginative excuses.
___________________________
Also, congrats to Heff for winning the caption contest from the last post. He's a great blogger with a really cool layout at his site, but he has been on hiatus for some time now. However, Heff's Bar And Grill returns on 02/24/2010. Mark your calendars or just put him on your blogroll.

I have to run off to a volleyball game, which means I have no time for a decent post. So, It's time, once again, for a caption contest. Do your worst . . .

I made a key today for the shitter at my work, which is a huge coup by the way, and while in the locksmith shop, as the old guy working there turned around to make the all-important key, I completely forgot that he has a gray rat tail hair style. I blogged about it, and I still forgot about it.

That goes to show you how long it's been since I or anyone else has posted at The Liars Club. I'm still looking for Chicago area writers to post with me. Email me if you're interested or know someone who may be interested in keeping The Liars Club alive.

In the meantime, what's the most embarrassing hairstyle you've ever had?

"On the Wings of Love"

Anyone know what that is the title of this season? I'm a little ashamed to say that I know that it is the tag line of this season's The Bachelor, and I have seen nearly every episode. While I had my doubts about how fun this season would be, considering Jake is the most boring human to ever live, his his douchiness actually makes for pretty entertaining television. Tonight, with three women remaining, he said something like, "I can honestly say that I've fallen in love with three women." Is that possible, and if so, is it something you would want? That sounds like a horribly confusing, tormenting experience to me, and I'm just not sure it's possible. I think the Bachelors and Bachelorettes always have their minds made up, but the producers make them look over the photos on the mantle and tell Chris what a hard decision they have ahead of them, just to keep us from flipping over to NBC to watch The Olympics.

How about this, Seven Readers: Let's say that you could either fall in love once or three times in your entire life, but the three times all had to come at one time? Which would you choose and why?

I Hate It When . . .

. . . You're waiting to use the self checkout thing at the grocery store, and the guy in front of you has a million items, and he's searching for turnips on the little screen thing. Just tell the machine they're tomatoes, and ring up your shit, asshole. Right?

"Wrap It Up, B"

There is a Big Mac Wrap at McDonalds, and it got Dr. Ken wondering, is it any more healthy because it's a wrap? Do we automatically think something is healthy when we hear the word wrap, even if said wrap has the contents of say, a Big Mac, the worst thing for you in the world? The good doctor has done some research for you.

Big Mac Wrap: 330 calories, 19 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat.

Regular old Big Mac: 578 calories, 32.5 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat.



So, the wrap is only half as bad for you but still pretty bad for you. I think the word "salad" has the same effect. You can get a fried buffalo chicken salad, and suddenly it's healthy, right? "Light" can fool us too. A serving of light eggnog still has 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 of unsaturated fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 21 grams of carbohydrates (20 of which are from sugar).

Hey, Seven Readers, are there other words or phrases that trick us into thinking stuff is healthy?

I Just Heard How . . .

. . . intense the Olympic drug testing is. Apparently you have to let the drug guys know where you are 24 hours a day (which shouldn't be a problem if these athletes have Twitter accounts), and an inspector randomly comes out to see you. If you're not where you say you're supposed to be around three times in a month's time, you're off the team.

Every athlete must consent to this, even the U.S. Curling Team. Yes, curling, where you get down on your knees and gently push a granite stone while your teammates aggressively brush in front of it. Actually, it's a lot like shuffle board, the game retirees play down in Florida.

Now, I can see where maybe a juiced up sweeper could maybe give a team a slight advantage, but few could argue that the guy slowly releasing the stone gets any kind of benefit from performance enhancing drugs, except for maybe his quads looking better in the tight pants.

What do you think, readers? You think all athletes should be subject to drug tests? I'm coaching chess right now. Should I test my kids for 'roids?

Good Point

I was listening to a podcast with Adam Carolla, and he asked the question, why do so many helicopters have no doors? Of all the things to need doors, right?

I'm sure there's a bizillion bloggers posting about this, but did you, my Seven Readers, see where Sarah Palin had notes written on the palm of her hand when she spoke at the National Tea Party Convention, whatever the hell that is? The notes were a list of items: tax cuts, energy, and lift American spirits. The beauty of it is that getting busted with her cheat sheet came after she had poked fun at President Obama for using a teleprompter. This is just too stupid to believe. I may actually have to tune into Saturday Night Live for the first time in around five years to see what they come up with.

Dr. Ken doesn't need to make a note to himself to lift American spirts; he just does it naturally. It's the byproduct of the way he lives his life of awesomeness.


Watch CBS News Videos Online

I watched this when I was home alone, and I was really, really scared. Even without the funny music and effects, wouldn't this scare the crap out of kids? If I find any evidence that Mr. Rogers was friends with John Wayne Gacy, I'm going to be pissed.

As always with clips on my page, be sure to turn off the awesome music by hitting pause on the music player along the left panel of this page.

I had a friend who, in college, did these two things:

1. Shotgunned a can of Mountain Dew and immediately threw up. I guess he was so into shotgunning at the time, that he thought why not try it with a can of highly caffeinated and carbonated, disgusting soda?

2. He would go to parties and ask girls to get a look at his new "watch," and when they looked down, he would have his penis gently draped across his wrist.

"Living Better Now. Coogi Sweater Now."

As Gancey Girlfriend and I were walking out of the grocery store, we saw a couple walking a dog, and the dog had a funny sweater on.

Gancey Girfriend: Oh, look at the sweater on the dog!
Dr. Ken: Yes, it's a Cosby sweater too! And he's a Black dog! Wait, is that racist?

I've been trying to bulk up because I've always been kind of on the skinny side. Yeah, it's good to hear that I'm in good shape compared to some other people who are 33-years-old, but that's just not that great to hear, actually. So, I bought a bunch of weights on Craig's List from some German dude who had to go back to Germany, perhaps for the Scorpions farewell concert.

The funny thing about lifting weights is that you feel buff, so you're walking around all day like a hard ass, and then you look in the mirror, and you're the same scrawny puke you were before working out. It's frustrating. It also doesn't help (or maybe it does depending on how you look at it) that Gancey Girlfriend works out religiously along with Billy Blanks, and with her 5'10" long leg kicks and increasing muscle tone, it kind of looks like she could kick my ass if she needed to. That's not okay.

Because I watch so much mixed martial arts, I decided to use those guys as a model for how I want to look, because that's so realistic, so I found a guy who's my height (6'2"), and a reasonable weight to achieve (185). Here's the problem: Look at this guy!! I don't get how I can be so thin and weight 190, while Michael Bisping is five pounds lighter and totally ripped. I thought muscle weighed more than fat? If that's true, then this guy must have zero fat, and I'm like 70% body fat. This could be quite an uphill battle . . .